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Old 20-05-2020, 03:15 PM   #2381
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I hope the trip to Tesco isn't too bad.



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Old 20-05-2020, 03:20 PM   #2382
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I decided not to go. Luckily I managed to get a delivery slot for tomorrow, 6pm-10pm though. I'll try and go a walk later.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-05-2020, 03:58 PM   #2383
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That's good. If you do go for a walk I hope you enjoy it.



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Old 20-05-2020, 05:30 PM   #2384
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Originally Posted by one_step_closer View Post
But then you're not 2 meters apart?

Every time I go the other customers have different rules and I've been stuck behind queuing customers in an aisle for ages when there has been room to overtake. I'm really worried about wearing my mask but I've said to myself I will go to Tesco today. I'm maybe going to try and wear my headphones on the walk there but with no music on to see if it will at least dampen down the sounds.

I meant only if there's 2 metres space to get around them.

Whether or not people have different rules or not I think that if you're in doubt, wait. If you don't feel safe, then move away and wait somewhere quieter until the queue lessens.

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Old 20-05-2020, 06:33 PM   #2385
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Aisles aren't wide enough to have 2 meters space surely? I'm just going to avoid shops as much as possible even if it means running out of the essentials. I tried to go out for a walk this evening but there were people blocking a corner so I had to turn back down a street and head home.

I spoke to the other CPN today and she said to make sure I phone Duty if I can't keep myself safe. I don't want to keep myself safe and I can't phone anyone anyway, I can only do the scheduled calls I've been having. The CPN seemed to take seriously how I'm finding it hard to differentiate some things that are going on in this world and the other world but my own CPN didn't seem to think it mattered. I don't know if I'm going to be able to explain anything to the new psych tomorrow so she might end up just having to go off the things that other people have written about me. I don't feel like I ever find my voice.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-05-2020, 06:56 PM   #2386
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Some of the ones in my supermarket are really wide. I know that's not the case everywhere. Maybe try different times of day to find a quiet time? An hour before closing seems to be fairly deserted, not sure about the mornings.

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Old 20-05-2020, 09:00 PM   #2387
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Everything I've read says the distance is meant to only be necessary when standing. For passing by someone, it's okay to be closer. So even if the aisle isn't that wide, as long as you are only passing by others and not standing next to them, you should be okay. That's how it is when I've gone to supermarkets here at least.



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Old 21-05-2020, 12:53 PM   #2388
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Thank you, I'm really not sure what the rules are here. I'm just going to keep avoiding shops as much as possible.

The new psych just phoned and had a very short chat with me. She didn't seem to hear how distressed I am. She I can start taking one Lorazepam in the morning and 2 in the evening but I have tried that and a whole load of other combinations and it isn't helping. She said there is scope to increase my Aripirazole in the future but she really wants to see me face to face first. We didn't talk about the other world or the messages or anything really. I know I'm new to her but I thought she would talk a bit more about how things are. I guess there's only so much she can/wants to do over a phone call.

Things were extra loud outside this morning when I went for my prescription. I forgot to bring my headphones. People aren't respecting the 2 metre distance and I've had to turn back when I'm going places because people are crowding at corners. People are scary right now. I should probably just wear my mask but I only have 2 and it says to wash them after each use.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-05-2020, 03:58 PM   #2389
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Sorry you didn't find the phone call with the psychiatrist very helpful. Is there a plan to meet with her face to face at some point?

It sounds as though things are really scary for you when you're out of the house, but in a way I'm glad you have to go out every day for your prescription as it would probably be even more overwhelming going out after not doing so for a while, if that makes sense. Now that restrictions have eased a little, maybe you could try to find some quiet outside space to sit and read or something occasionally, if that's something you might enjoy.

Would you not have time between uses to wash your masks so that there's always one you can use?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 23-05-2020, 06:37 PM   #2390
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I will meet with her face to face at some point but likely not for a while.

I know things would feel more huge if I stopped going out. There are big enough noises coming into my house from outside too and it's getting too much. I think there is a bird messenger hiding inside the house. It's so loud. There is a new noise and it is hurting my ears. Why all of these messages in noises? Why not show me directly through song changes and word changes etc. All this noise has no way of being processed so it just fills up my head and everything packs in together. I have to head bang to separate things a bit, but my head is too sore right now. Maybe things will move to other areas inside my body. I am a walking message that needs to be translated and heard.

I should go out in the rain and wind. It might be other worldly weather. I could get some peace or some answers or some closeness. But there's no reason to go out now and I don't want to get stuck inside wandering the streets.

I probably would be able to wash the masks in between but I don't know how long they will take to dry and I'm just uncomfortable in general being seen and I think people will look at me more with them on. I wish it was clearer what to do. I don't want to be exposing myself or others to the virus.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-05-2020, 09:18 AM   #2391
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With these messages, are you able to describe a time when the message was clear and made sense and what was said turned out to be true? It's just that to me it sounds as though these noises are unfortunate psychosis-type things that are bothersome but nonsensical and ought to be ignored as much as possible!

I've seen a lot of people out with masks recently, I don't think you would be conspicuous or looked at. And they shouldn't take longer than two days to dry out, I don't think you need to worry about that. Also, if you stay 2m-ish away from people there really is very little change of any transmission. Add onto that, that the majority of people who get it don't have symptoms worse than that of a cold, I don't think you need to be quite so concerned about transmitting it. Of course, I'm not saying the virus is nothing to worry about at all, just that everything in life involves an element of calculated risk (crossing the road, driving etc) and if you follow the government guidance there is nothing wrong with going to a shop or for a walk.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 24-05-2020, 02:49 PM   #2392
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The messages used to always be clear and mainly involved 'do x or y gets it' scenarios. They always followed through. Even things like words changing in posters saying death was coming, maybe no death close to me happened but it was better being able to see things clearly. This is just all piling up inside my head and I can't get it out. The men put it there because it's important and if I'm not decoding it then it stays there and my head gets fuller and fuller. I wonder if it will soon move to other parts of my insides. I suppose I know a lot about what I'm supposed to be doing anyway, like when the weather is extreme.

I'm finding it hard to know if people are human or from the other world. People appear out of nowhere. Someone appeared seemingly from nowhere but I said to myself there is a wall there and they could have come from round there. Someone appeared directly out of the road, like rising from the concrete and surely that can't be human. Sometimes it's harder to tell because I don't see the faces of the people from the other world but also I don't really see faces from a distance any way because of my vision problems. The people from the other world can approach and appear in the way that humans do too, so that's also not obvious if they're just coming round corners or walking in front of me. People tend to follow me a lot and sometimes I can't see them at all. It's scary being outside and sometimes it happens inside too. I'm just mostly confused. My CPN thinks the messages became less clear when I started on Aripiprazole. My psych might want to increase it at some point but I know that will just block the communication channels further and it will be awful. I don't know what to do. This is my life.

Thanks. I'm still worried about wearing a mask because people who know me will take a second look. I've kept almost everything about me the same throughout my life like my hair length and style, never wearing nail varnish, wearing the same sort of clothes. I just don't want anyone to notice me and they would notice changes like a mask. But I know safety is much more important than not being seen.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-05-2020, 10:15 AM   #2393
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Quotes from R/V plus more.

Who am I? One of the other world? There is no way to tell.

This is a jumbled mess.

There must be some kind of test. There must be something I can be doing to sacrifice myself and put the world back in order. If I am from the other world I can have an influence of what it does to this world. I only know the basic protections and not always how to use them or fix things. The protection corner for the screaming followers. Somehow putting out the fire in the other world. Self harm rituals but it's all just guess work when there is no guidance.

The followers need my help. I will help them.

I created a skin version of the protection corner including a something to allow the men to add or take away things. I don't know how long I will leave it like that. Is there no hope that the followers will ever be saved?

There was a fire somewhere I passed this morning. I didn't see it just the smoke. Before I got to the smoke a bird made a drilling message noise and the thing in my arm gave me a shock of pain. I think the people from the other world were telling me this was my fault. Maybe some of the smoke went in the thing in my arm.

My CPN is phoning at 11am. I have a big page of notes written but I won't get through them all. There's nothing she can do anyway.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-05-2020, 10:52 AM   #2394
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I hope your CPN is helpful. Are you able to tell.her all this?



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Old 26-05-2020, 02:32 PM   #2395
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I really hope it went well with your CPN today.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 26-05-2020, 06:50 PM   #2396
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Thank you both.

She thought the psychiatrist would have increased my Aripiprazole. Everyone wants to see me first to see how I present and if it's just lockdown that's making things worse. She said I have become obsessed with the other world stuff and it takes up my whole day. She said this sort of thing is in the EUPD criteria but I read that it's only transient and stress related. I'm sure she mentioned I'm having delusions. She asked me to take the thing out of my arm because it could cause so much damage that I could end up needing an amputation. I took it out. She said the health centre's building manager isn't opening it to the public yet so we can't have a face to face appointment yet. She said people with these kind of beliefs are creating a new world to avoid their past or pain or something. That makes me want to punch myself and slap myself and bash my head. My life is so complicated. I'm sick of me. She asked where we go from here and I said I don't think there are any steps forward right now.

All noises are too much. Just every noise from everyone and everything is close to unbearable. For once in a very long time tinnitus is getting to me too.How do you get silence when the world is too noisy and you have tinnitus???! White noise is even too noisy. I need some peace and quiet. I need to be dead. I seriously can't take this life any more.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-05-2020, 06:59 PM   #2397
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Do you think it might help to see your CPN? Would she meet you in an outside space, do you think? Would you meet her in such a way?

I'm not sure on how these experiences fit with EUPD, but looking at them from an overall psychological perspective might be really helpful for you over the course of time.

*Sits with you*.

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Old 27-05-2020, 01:42 PM   #2398
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Thanks. My CPN didn't offer that option so I'm not sure if it is an option. Probably because we'd be in a public place and I'd hold back as much of my behaviours as I can so she wouldn't truly see how I am.

Any time I've seen a psychologist I haven't found it helpful, only the human contact and space to be heard. They keep saying I'm too risky for them to take on anyway.

I am panicking because it would be so easy to hide away from life in bed and fall into the pattern of not getting out of bed for 36 hours again. I just can't get any relief from anything.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 29-05-2020, 02:03 PM   #2399
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Had a bad night last night and burned myself. Spoke to my CPN today and she just made me confused. She said that all this other world stuff can be psychosis-like and delusions and hallucinations within EUPD, that it can last years and not be transient like the criteria say. But then she was saying that people make worlds to avoid things and I say I can't do good things for myself when the men tell me to do bad things because it's putting people in danger and choosing myself over other people. It like she was saying I've made this whole thing up to avoid being kind to myself, but she did say that's not what she was saying. I hate all this. I want there to be no digging or questions around it, just let me be. The other world is what it is. I'm just really scared. I don't want people to be challenging my reality or trying to get me to question it. I have lived this way all my life. I'm so upset. Why can't I just live like a normal human being? My life is so complicated. No one can agree what is going on and that is dizzying.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 29-05-2020, 05:58 PM   #2400
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I don't know if this is going to make any sense and I understand that you don't want people questioning your reality and that's not what I'm doing.

You have your reality - the other world and this world - why does all the emphasis need to be on all the bad stuff of the other world? I know this world isn't a particularly good place for you either but I believe it has more potential goodness for you than the other world does.

I don't think your CPN meant that you're making everything up, more that your mind is creating a reality to help you feel safer or to explain the way you feel in this reality. That is not something your mind has done willingly or purposefully to be unkind, it's become a way of coping somehow.

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