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Old 21-03-2017, 10:25 AM   #1
UnanimousAnonymous
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
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Intense and Intrusive Suicidal Thoughts.

For the past week I have found myself struggling to do anything. I get enjoyment out of nothing.
Much of my day is taken up by suicidal thoughts. I can't follow a conversation as my brain wanders off and I think about self harm or suicide.
I've researched a place, put it into my sat nav and sat in my car for 2 hours talking myself in and out of going today.
I have written down multiple plans. My journal is full of them.
My mind terrifies me.
People are sick of me now.
I'm selfish.
I'm cruel.
I am a failure.
I am a terrible person.
And I am a burden on my friends, family and society.
I've even started smoking an illegal drug to self medicate and knock me out. I have cancelled all plans this week so that I can be alone because I shouldn't inflict this on anyone.
I am lost and don't know where to go or what to do.

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Old 21-03-2017, 11:33 AM   #2
UnanimousAnonymous
 
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And now I have bailiffs coming to my door tomorrow.
I don't know if I can do this.

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Old 21-03-2017, 02:13 PM   #3
Aubergine
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Hey.


I wish I had some magic words that would take the pain from you. I don't mind listening though if you want to talk a bit more? Hang on in there.



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 21-03-2017, 02:26 PM   #4
UnanimousAnonymous
 
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Thank you.
I just don't really know what to say.
I have ruined everything I worked so hard for.
I'm consumed by this self wallowing, loathing mess.

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Old 21-03-2017, 02:31 PM   #5
Aubergine
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This is not your fault. Things are going wrong because you are unwell, not because you've done anything wrong.


Do you have any professional support at the moment?



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 21-03-2017, 03:06 PM   #6
UnanimousAnonymous
 
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It is my fault. I'm just a terrible person.
I am under the community team but don't have a CPN or support worker or anything. I have a Med review on 2nd May.

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Old 21-03-2017, 03:11 PM   #7
Aubergine
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What makes you think you're a terrible person? No one deserves what you're going through.


It sounds like 2nd of may is too far away. Do you have anyone thato can advocate for you to help you access some more support?



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 21-03-2017, 04:49 PM   #8
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I'm sorry you are going through this. Do you feel able to contact the community team or your gp? It really sounds like you could do with extra support. I hope you can reach out if you are feeling unsafe. Take care.

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Old 21-03-2017, 08:56 PM   #9
UnanimousAnonymous
 
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I'm just awful, I'm a burden.
I keep wanting to call someone but get anxious and put the phone down, I don't even know if I can explain how I'm feeling.
I slept for a bit this afternoon but I'm now worried I'm going to be awake all night because I can't deal with these thoughts all night long.

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Old 21-03-2017, 09:19 PM   #10
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Hugs you are none of the things you say you are xx

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Old 22-03-2017, 05:19 PM   #11
tamobhuuta
 
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How was last night? What could help you phone cmht or your gp?

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Old 22-03-2017, 07:45 PM   #12
Sketchy
 
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You are not awful or a burden. I know it's hard, but calling someone is an option. Could you try again?

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Old 22-03-2017, 11:31 PM   #13
UnanimousAnonymous
 
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I will try calling them tomorrow. I just don't know what to say and feel like I won't be taken seriously anyway.
I have been self medicating and just woke up.
I haven't gotten out of bed today and spent much of the time crying and then smoking to knock myself out.

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Old 23-03-2017, 06:31 PM   #14
Sketchy
 
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Did you try calling them?
How are you feeling today?

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Old 23-03-2017, 08:00 PM   #15
UnanimousAnonymous
 
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I have had a really bad day and although I dialled the number, I didn't manage to call. I've been plagued by plans today.
Tonight I am really struggling and don't know what to do.
My mind is a mess.

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Old 23-03-2017, 08:09 PM   #16
Sketchy
 
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Is there someone you can be around to keep you safe? Well done on trying to make the call. Maybe you could try again. I'm sorry you are struggling so much, but keep fighting, because it can get better. Even if it doesn't feel like it now.

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Old 23-03-2017, 08:11 PM   #17
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What is stopping you from making the phone call?

Perhaps it would help to write down what you want to say if you do make the call.



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 24-03-2017, 04:07 AM   #18
UnanimousAnonymous
 
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I guess, with my recent experiences with the mental health team have put me off trying to get help. I feel like I won't be believed or taken seriously, I don't even know what they can do. I feel like everyone has given up on me and I have given up on myself.
I'm so tired, my sleep is really messed up. It's 4am, I've been awake for a couple of hours and I'm trying not to get up and get in my car because I don't know where I would end up but I'm also sitting here with these thoughts going around and around in my head.

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Old 24-03-2017, 04:57 PM   #19
UnanimousAnonymous
 
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I had an assessment for Stepps this afternoon (I completely forgot until my phone reminded me earlier). They haven't offered me a place because I don't fit the symptoms for EUPD and therefore the stuff they cover, a lot of it won't be relevant to me (like controlling anger or abandonment issues). Myself, my friends and my family have all agreed and argued my case that I do not fit the diagnosis and now we might be getting somewhere. The guy agreed that it sounds more like bipolar 2.
I don't see the psych until May to discuss this.
I am a bit better today and I have arranged to meet a friend on Monday so I hope I may be 'on the up'. I think I could do with my mood stabiliser increasing and probably my antidepressant so will try and contact my doctor on Monday about it. I need to remember to take it and keep taking it as I haven't been.

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Old 24-03-2017, 05:46 PM   #20
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I'm glad you are feeling a bit better today. It's good you have arranged to meet a friend.
I'm glad you feel you are getting somewhere and I hope your psych gives you the help you need.
Keep posting here for support in the meantime, as well as arranging to meet friends. It's important to be around people and get support from them.

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