Join Date: May 2018
I am currently:  
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Greetings To All- Warning: Depressing Content
My name is Kelly, female, in my late 30's, and an INFJ (if you're into that). My passion has always been music: writing music. I am a multi-instrumentalist/singer/producer. I'm a HSP and an empath, and I have a science degree in psychology. I decided to join for support, seeing I have very little to none at this period in my life, which happens to be the absolute worst time of my life as well. I'm also here to be of support to others. There is not much I cannot relate to, and people have always told me I'm a great listener and give wise advice, even when I'm down in the dumps myself.
My life as of current: I have lost virtually everything in one year's time year: my job, car, "friends," my highly valued independence, the feeling of safety and security, etc. It has now been 2 years and I cannot deal with the severe depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety any longer. I am basically having a prolonged nervous breakdown. I attempted to take my own life going on a year this very week. Had someone not found me and not called for an ambulance, I would not be here right now writing this.
Anyway, it all started when I got laid off from my job in March of 2016 (and have not been able to land stable full-time employment since), so I had to move back home, which is an environment that only exasperates my anxiety and depression (my mother has NPD and my male cousin is a huge 6'4", 300 lbs ex-convict, in and out of prison his whole life and a vile human being who sells drugs out of my mother's house and does "favor" for "favor" type of illegal dealings with his ex-con acquaintances). He has always disliked me (probably because he could sense I think he's a piece of dog poo), so he constantly verbally assaults me, and on one occasion physically assaulted me. He's verbally threatened my life, tells me to kill myself, and calls me names constantly. My mother has zero coping skills, so she turns a blind eye, like she has done her entire life whenever there's problems, and she also treats me with very little respect. I've done nothing to these people to deserve the way I am treated. I always take accountability when I'm in the wrong or have hurt someone and I acknowledge my mistakes. If anything, I'm too honest because instead of perceiving a honest apology as a noble character trait, people (at least the ones I currently know), see that as a sign of weakness and I get treated even worse for doing the right thing (and it's not like I've made huge mistakes, like oops, I killed someone's puppy or something like that, or even cheating on someone, nothing like that at all; my mistakes are ones that everyone has made, yet I'm made to feel like the worst human ever even though they have done the same and worse). This house unfortunately has some sick people in it. I know I'm mentally unwell, but I would never hurt these people the way they have hurt me. I wouldn't purposely hurt anyone like they do. I have too much empathy. Thankfully though, just a few months ago, after I began having night terrors for the 1st time in my life due to my cousin's threats, my mother FINALLY agreed to go with me to the courthouse to get an emergency order of protection and he had to move out. But I do carry mace and a super sonic emergency alarm on my key chain, because I know he wants revenge.
So yeah, I lost my job. Moved into the crazy house (it was that or a homeless shelter). Then 2 months later, someone hit my car, it got totaled, and I have since been without a car (for the first time since I was 16). The next month (end of May, 2016) I invited a long-distance friend to move up here to live with me, who I had known since 2011. He was going through a hard time as well, so we agreed we could help each other out by being there for each other emotionally, then we both find jobs and get our own place. So he moved here and he was anything but a support. He became my boyfriend, in word only. Turns out he has NPD as well, of which I found out within a week's time of him being here. He's like a male version of my mother. And for anyone who knows anything about that disorder, growing up with a parent who has it, makes you highly susceptible of attracting narcissists in your personal relationships. He hid it quite well via Skype and phone calls on and off all those years, that's for sure. He turned out to be nothing but emotionally abusive (sometimes physical). When he wasn't being intentionally mean to me, he ignored me and treated me like I didn't exist. That has taken a sledgehammer to my already fragile self-esteem. 24 months of basically being told you're nothing. 24 months of being ignored. I know I never deserved that. After that long of being made to feel like you do not matter, that your very existence means nothing, especially when you are already feeling so low about yourself...suffice to say, it only reinforced the negative, suicidal thoughts I had replaying over and over again in my head. It's sick how anyone can treat someone so horribly when you know that person is depressed, suicidal, and anxiety ridden due to life circumstances. And the kicker? I have to continue living with him because my mom wants the rent money! He has a history of being a restaurant cook; such an easy industry to find work in when you've got experience. One place even hired him without meeting him first. That is beyond angering because I'm working so hard to find a stable job to no avail. He's such a cold-hearted person who, more than once, has actually sneered at me while telling me I should go get a job already, knowing full well how much effort I put into that and how much depression it has caused not finding one that sticks (just a snippet of how intentionally mean he is).
So I'm stuck in a house with 2 people with NPD and was also stuck living my cousin who is likely a psychopath until a few months ago.
So if you haven't guessed by now (if you've read this far), that guy is now my ex. I broke up with him a couple months ago for good. We weren't really even in a relationship, anyway. There was no caring or love, time spent together, or affection AT ALL from his end. I broke up with him several times before that as well, soon after he arrived actually, but I would always take him back because I have been in such a vulnerable, lonely place, even though he always made me feel more lonely, unloved, and worse about myself in every way imaginable. I would have never tolerated this before, and never had before, but maaan, I was literally down to just one thing, and I was starting to scare myself.
It has been over 2 years now & still have not landed a long-term job, even though I have a Bachelor's degree with a 3.92 GPA, I'm an intellect, personable, kind and professional, get along well with others (so as long as they are not narcissists), I work well independently, etc. and so forth. I have a solid resume (I actually have dozens of resumes and cover letters, always tailor made for each position I apply to) and awesome work references. All that and.....unemployed, still...
I was a senior healthcare provider/caregiver/companion to a woman with limited mobility and advanced COPD since last June; it was only part-time, nothing I could survive off of, but it was something to at least pay the minimums on my credit card bills every month. She became a close friend despite the age difference as well. And she died last week. As I mourn her, I also lost my only source of income, yet again. I was also laid off in 2014 from another healthcare position because my client's family decided to move her into a nursing home (she had advanced Alzheimer's). Before that I also got laid off from a managerial position at a commercial cleaning company that I worked at for 10 years because the owner was getting old and in bad health and was shutting down his business after over 35 years. That was 2012. So basically since 2012, I have not been able to find stability in a job nor a job that pays enough to, you know, live. There seems to be a dark cloud hanging over my head; no matter what I do, I end up unable to find stability in my life. I'm in constant survival mode. Bad things keep happening.
I have done everything in my power to change my situation for the better; but nothing is happening. No one calls me back for jobs. I can't get from point A to point B since I lost my car, and I have no one who I can call a true friend. I have suffered with agoraphobia for 2 decades as well; driving is my main issue. I can get about (borrowing my mother's car, ugh, so completely embarrassing), but I do have full blown panic attacks if I drive kind of far from what's familiar to me. Thankfully, a lot is familiar to me.
The universe literally seems to have given me a big middle finger and my life has been destroyed. I have always worked hard and given 100% my entire life in everything I do, yet here I am in my 30's when I should be settling into my life, instead, my life has fallen apart. Over 2 years of sitting in a room, alone; it's hell. Utter hell.
When I'm not applying to jobs, I try to keep my mind occupied away from worry and panic by watching TV series', documentaries, movies, YouTube videos, reading books, playing my guitars, and writing. I cannot get out and go for a walk though because I have been diagnosed with spinal stenosis; had it for over 15 years (it started with untreated scoliosis when I was a kid), and it hurts like hell to walk very far at all. One thing after another. All hope is lost.
So yeah, that's my incredibly depressing introduction. Sorry about that, but it is indeed my reality. Sadly, there's even more, but I do not want to make this any longer and more depressing than it already is.
All this beyond bad luck has gone on for far too long now. I'm scared, always in flight/fight mode. I'm one step away from homelessness. I've sought out help via therapy, medication, life coach, etc., for years, and nothing or no one seems to help because all I really need to be ok is a decent paying job and a car, for starters; the basic stuff needed to live. I need my Independence and confident back, and to feel secure, again. It would be a bonus to find a loving partner and at least 1 "real" friend (who could be my partner), and the ability to use my home music studio to record my music (why I can't right now: another story).
I know everyone I've ever known would not be able to handle the lack/loss of everything in every arena of their lives like I've had to, especially one thing after another in such a short period of time (yet ironically these near 27 months have felt like 27 years). And I don't know that I am able to. I'm literally hanging on by a thread.
I hope all who took the time to read this long intro doesn't know what I'm going through or what this feels like. And if you ever have experienced something like this, I hope you no longer do. But if you are struggling, scared, confused, anxiety ridden, lonely, depressed, suicidal, I'm here to talk to.
Peace.
Kelly
Last edited by naturalseven : 22-05-2018 at 01:25 PM.
Reason: Typos
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