Concerned dad

[--emily--]

I think it's amazing that you've joined this website, I wish I found this place years ago now !! I think that if you browse around the forums, I'm sure there are threads which will help you understand. I'd avoid pressuring him to stop, instead let him know you are there for him. I have found that going out for meals with my parents, spending good time with them helped me get closer to them and you wont fear that there are secrets being kept - share some of your expieriences when you were younger, like being bad at school, stuff that will make him laugh at you ! It'll bring you closer. I recently told my mum I smoked, and she told me how she started, and it made me feel less awkward about the situation. Have fun here, it looks like a good internet community.

[Only Distraction]

What you are doing is great. I hope my parents react well when I tell them. My only advise to you is check with your son that it's okay for you to be on here, he may feel violated and as if you are getting too involved - just ask him how he feels about it.
You are doing the right thing, good luck in finding some answers on here. We'll do our best to help you out as much as we can!

[Stress Free Anxiety]

Welcome to RYL, I'm so glad you've taken such a step to educate yourself so to best help your son. I come from a family where my SI is pretty much ignored no matter what I did and had to find steps to recovery on my own, so I must say your son is truly blessed to have such a caring father. Feel free to ask as many questions as you need to, we'll do our best to answer them.

The one thing I always tell someone who has a friend or family member who self-injures and wants to help is that you need to keep yourself safe and in a good state of mind. The site Aimee linked to, http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html, says it best:

Quote:

It sounds like hard work, and it is. And if you try to be completely supportive to someone else 24/7, you're going to burn out (and they won't have any incentive to change). You have to find ways to be sure your needs are being met.

Take a break from it when you need to. When setting limits, remember that as much as you love someone, sometimes you're going to need to get away from them for a while. Tell the person that sometimes you need to recharge and that it doesn't affect your love for him/her. Only break into this personal time in cases of absolute life-or-death crisis.

They also provide this list of suggestions on how to be supportive, which I actually printed out for my own support system to read through when they asked how to help:

Quote:

• Don't avoid the subject of self-injury. Let it be known that you're willing to talk, and then follow the other person's lead. Tell the person that if you don't bring the subject up, it's because you're respecting their space, not because of aversion.
• Make the initial approach. "I know that sometimes you hurt yourself and I'd like to understand it. People do it for so many reasons; if you could help me understand yours, I'd be grateful." Don't push it after that; if the person says they'd rather not talk about it, accept this gracefully and drop the subject, perhaps reminding them that you're willing to listen if they ever do want to talk about it.
• Be available. You can't be supportive of someone if you can't be reached.
• Set reasonable limits. "I cannot handle talking to you while you are actually cutting yourself because I care about you greatly and it hurts too much to see you doing that" is a reasonable statement, for example. "I will stop loving you if you cut yourself" isn't reasonable if your goal is to keep the relationship intact.
• Make it clear from your behavior that the person doesn't need to self-injure in order to get displays of love and caring from you. Be free with loving, caring gestures, even if they aren't returned always (or even often). Don't withdraw your love from the person. The way to avoid reinforcing SIV is to be consistently caring, so that taking care of the person after they injure is nothing special or extraordinary.
• Provide distractions if necessary. Sometimes just being distracted (taken to a movie, on a walk, out for ice cream; talked to about things that have nothing to do with self-injury) can work wonders. If someone you care about is feeling depressed, you can sometimes help by bringing something pleasant and diverting into their lives. This doesn't mean that you should ignore their feelings; you can acknowledge that they feel lousy and still do something nice and distracting. (This is NOT the same as trying to cajole them out of a mood or telling them to just get over it -- it's an attempt to break a negative cycle by injecting something positive. It could be as simple as bringing the person a flower. Don't expect your efforts to be a permanent cure, though; this is a simple improve-the-moment technique.)
• If you live apart from the person you're concerned about, offer physical safe space: "I'm worried about you; would you come sleep over at my house tonight?" Even if the offer is declined, just knowing it's there can be comforting.
• Don't ask "Is there anything I can do?" Find things that you can do and ask "Can I ?" People who feel really bad often can't think of anything that might make them feel better; asking if you can take them to a movie or wash those (month-old) dishes (if done nonjudgmentally) can be really helpful. Spontaneous acts of kindness ("I saw this flower at the store and knew you'd love to have it") work wonders.

The last tip is a rather touchy one though, some people want to be asked "Is there anything I can do?" or "What can I do?", others want to have something suggested to them. From the way it sounds, you probably know which type your son is and can act accordingly. If anything, a healthy mix of the two is just fine.

But enough of my quoting like a text book.

[Moonlight Princess]

Hi! I just wanted to say welcome to RYL and I have to echo what other people have said because what you're doing for your son is amazing and with you around I'm positive he can get through it.
I think just spending time with him on a regular basis is a good thing. When a person starts self-harming it can quickly become the centre of their world so taking him out of that world from time to time would be helpful since it shows him that self-harming is not the only way that he can feel better. Having said that don't ignore the fact that he is self-harming (which you aren't doing so that's great) it's just a matter of helping him through it but also building other things into his life so that it doesn't become the centre of your conversations together.

Also don't feel like you have to deal with this on your own. You already seem like you're doing everything you can and if he chooses to talk about something to someone else rather than you son't feel bad, at least he's talking about it.

Finally do take care of yourself. You can't take care of someone if you're distressed yourself and if your son can see that you can help him without falling apart then firstly he'll be more likely to talk to you and secondly he'll be more likely to take care of himself.
Good luck to both you and your son, I hope this site really helps!
Take care and please feel free to PM me if you need anything.
Kiran
xx

[matty_b]

Its fantastic you are taking steps to help him hey.
Just wanted to share my experience a bit, more as a 'what not to do' really.
Few years ago I had a massive breakdown, and wrote what for all apart from me, was seen as a suicide note. It got into the hands of a close friend who showed a teacher, who called the folks.

Now my dad was really stand offish about it all, he hasnt played a major role in my life - due mostly to work and a bit of a competitive nature in us both. We didnt speak at all, I had no idea if he was home (from work a few hours away by plane) for me, my mum, or because he had been called into school to talk about other things that had gone on.
We ended up speaking about things eventually, and we went away for a few days and got to know each other - it was great but I was about 15, wish I knew him a bit beforehand.

I think what I'm trying to say is, make sure nothing is kept quiet, because these problems start from bottling things up, and so doing it more and more cannot be healthy.

Sit down with your boy, have a friendly chat, ask how he's feeling and say how you're feeling, because for me it was painful to not know my dad was "there", mum said it a lot but he never said it until I was around 16 and nearly finished school .

Take care

[kensisland]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to post. I really apprecaite you worlds of kindness and your insight. I also want to thank the couple of poeple that have PM'ed me ... you all have been a big help.