Beyond repair.

[chinahorse]

An appointment has been arranged with the therapists. But I'm not going. They can't order me about. They were ment to call and discuss a time with me. Not just make it. I'm no one's possession. And they made it for a time when I've already been denied time off work to go to a psychiatrist appointment. Who also haven't sent me a letter with a new appointment. Haven't heard anything from cpn.

Work is a joke. I'm so angry. I'm fed up and in such a rage. I just want to harm. But I have no time. I have responsibilities. Struggling to care though.

[chinahorse]

How do I deal with being so angry?

[Auror.]

I can understand your anger. Can you contact them and explain you were already denied time off and it needs to be rescheduled? That you need to be consulted directly because your schedule is not flexible?

[chinahorse]

I couldn't be bothered to call them.

I feel unsafe despite a friend making the effort to ensure that I am.

I just want space in my head.

[Fire Fly]

I’m sorry you feel this way.

I’m just wondering what you would services to do that is in its remit?

Are you able to identify what you think would help? Did you finish the cassel or did they end it prematurely? It sounds quite difficult situation you’re in. The cassel is tier 4 in the personality disorder pathway. The cygnet personality disorder units are tier 5. So if the cassel fail then patients are sent there for more support.

Do you think that you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to work as well as focusing on your health? To be honest, it’s not easy to live without a job and then cope with everything however if you aren’t able to focus on your health then you’ll never improve the situation your in.

It sounds things have been difficult with self harm. Did you learn amy DBT skills to try?

X

[chinahorse]

I did dbt when I was 16. The skills man nothing when it's cut now or do something worse later.

I did finish the cassel buy I don't feel I got anything from it.

I can't afford to live if I don't work. I have a cat and a house. I would loose everything if I quit my job. Working is not a choice. It's a necessity.

From services I want an appointment that's not the end of February for an assessment for therapy. I want to be on different meds. I want more support for things like applying for pip and or things like making sure I eat properly and leave the house other than to work. I want therapy that takes place outside my working hours in a venue I can get to. I want a crisis plan thats not call ooh which is a national helpline which ended in me taking a lethal level overdose last time I rang them. I want support thats not just get on with it.

[chinahorse]

I can't do this

[one_step_closer]

You are doing this Lillie, I know I keep saying it and I know it hurts to continue like this. Has anything changed support wise etc?

[chinahorse]

I never going to make it to ok. I'm never going to get qualified at work. I'm useless. And feeling very hopeless.

Nothing changed support wise. More waiting still.

[one_step_closer]

You're definitely not useless, and I hear your hopelessness but you're working so hard on things that surely you will get further forward at some point. What makes you think you won't get qualified at work? Has anyone been in touch with you from the CMHT?

[chinahorse]

I have no support at work from higher people. No one is witnessing anything from my course. I can't study without crying and panicking.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. Not hears anything from my cpn which hurts a lot.

I want to cut. No one is helping me. If I show them how bad I'm feeling they might help me. Maybe.

[one_step_closer]

Is there anyone at work you trust enough to confide in and see if they can speak to a higher up person about your concerns? Studying is hard enough as it is, what goes through your head when you try to study? Is there a way that you can get yourself into as relaxed a state as possible before you start and take regular breaks and rewards?

I hope it goes well with your psychiatrist. Do you know what you want to say? I'm sorry your CPN hasn't been in touch, I can relate to the hurt that brings. Would you mention that to your psychiatrist?

I understand why you're thinking that people might listen if you cut but you have been doing that and people haven't really heard you. I don't think you need to show people how bad you feel in that way, you shouldn't have to it's not fair. Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel that hurting yourself might be the only way for people to help you, that you feel like no one is helping you at the moment?

[chinahorse]

I can't do this. I can't. I want out.

I try to relax and study but I get overwhelmed this is why I failed uni so much.

Want a meds change. It's depressing taking so many.

Want cmht to care. Want to self destruct until someone is forced to care. I'm so sad.

[one_step_closer]

I know you are desperate and hurting so much. I wish someone would listen and give you what you need. Sorry I can't offer anything. Please hold on and keep reaching out, someone needs to listen at some point.

[chinahorse]

Thank you for validating my feelings.

Im so down and hopeless.

[one_step_closer]

How did your appointment go? You don't need to talk about it if you don't want to. I hope today is at least a little better for you.

[chinahorse]

Thank you for asking.

It was semi useful. I think my psychiatrist really gets where I'm at which is good. She's trying to hurry up the therapy meeting but as it stands it's not till March. She's going to get my care Co to contact me also as I've heard nothing for a few weeks.

Dr E is also going to talk to her supervisor to ask to titrate me from sertraline to duloxetine and then wean off aripiprazole. Then I met the gp and have a plan to come off gabapentin. I feel sort of positive about this.

Work continues to make suicide seem like a reasonable option.

[one_step_closer]

That does sound quite positive about the appointment, lots of plans but some waiting to see about things happening. It's a start. Is anyone offering any regular support at the moment or will that be up to your CC when she gets in touch?

I'm sorry work is so horrible and it's making you feel extra bad. You are so strong for facing it and you deserve to have many things sorted out that are causing you problems at work. Can anyone advocate for you?

[chinahorse]

I'm sick of waiting. It's not good enough. I've been waiting since October. I'm now self harming just to stay alive.

The psychiatrist called later and left a message to call back so that has me panicked and then my bank called which has made me so anxious.

No one is offering a place to talk other than here. Which I am thankful I have here but it's not professional support.

There no point at work. It will never change.

[tiptoes]

The waiting must be so difficult, I hope they can bring things forward so you don't have much longer to wait.

Maybe the psychiatrist is phoning to update you with an update after speaking to their supervisor? Do you think you could call them back?