RYL Forums


Forum Jump
Post New Thread  Reply
Old 06-05-2020, 01:18 PM   #2321
tamobhuuta
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K.

Sorry you weren't listened to. What do you think the men will say?



Ying tong iddle ai po!

tamobhuuta is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 06-05-2020, 03:35 PM   #2322
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

They've just increased my tinnitus so far. My Mothman t-shirt did come and I tried to read a bit of the book but it was hard going and I don't know if this book is going to be useful but I have to persevere for even the tiniest bit of information.

I just went out once today and as part of it I was planning on going to Tesco but there are just too many people out and about.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


one_step_closer is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2020, 10:23 AM   #2323
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

I got so wound up last night I tried to kill myself and then went on a self harm spree. I'm so sick of everything. I am terrified about life and there is always a horrible emotional ache hiding behind things when I feel ok and it creeps out just to let me know things can't stay ok.

I'm now usually getting up about 9am, it's not a big deal but I'm scared of going backwards. I'm still so tired even though I sleep quite well through the night.

It's hard to occupy myself with the same things over and over again. I can't focus on the Mothman book so something terrible is bound to happen to someone because of me. I already know how the Mothman fits in with the men, there are three men but they speak in one voice and the Mothman speaks for them. I want to do some proper research but the book is rubbish and I am so tired.

My CPN should be phoning at some point this morning or early afternoon. I wish she could do something. The other CPN sent me some things about what to do during lockdown like getting out for 30 minutes, doing some exercise, sticking to a routine. But I already do all that. It's so hard to have MH problems along with everything that's going on right now. I wish I could kill myself.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


one_step_closer is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2020, 10:43 AM   #2324
nonperson
 
nonperson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: London-ish
I am currently:

What about finding some new things to occupy yourself with? They can still become part of your routine and will give you something new to focus on. Doing the same things over and over naturally means you will eventually lose focus.

nonperson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2020, 11:00 AM   #2325
tamobhuuta
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K.

I'm sorry you hurt yourself last night, and I'm really glad you are here. I hope your CPN is helpful. X



Ying tong iddle ai po!

tamobhuuta is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2020, 04:19 PM   #2326
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Thank you both. I don't know which new things I could do, I'm not really interested in much. I tried to do some baking in the evening but then it's all eaten by the next afternoon and I can't be doing that.

My CPN helped by listening. She was trying to figure out if there was something more we could be doing. She said we could maybe meet at the health centre but she'd have to be in full PPE. That would be quite scary and I don't have my mask through yet so I said not at the moment. She isn't allowed to come to my house, and admissions to hospital are only allowed for people who are psychotic - not for people who try to kill themselves. She said I can 'play around' with my Lorazepam and take them however it suits me as long as I don't take them to kill myself. I don't know if Lorazepam even helps any more.

I did lots of head banging this morning and bashing my arms. I am really sore unsurprisingly but I'll probably do more. There should be more visible damage but there's not much to see. I am pathetic.

I found another Mothman book so will try and give that a go. There have been so many loud and strange noises today and I keep getting a fright. Even when it's noises I can anticipate coming. I don't want life. Nothing will ever make life worth living.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


one_step_closer is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2020, 10:28 PM   #2327
Auror.
Camden
 
Auror.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA

Did you say you'd tried to kill yourself?



Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.


You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


Auror. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2020, 10:50 AM   #2328
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Yes, but it didn't work so it's not important. I never get it right and probably never will.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


one_step_closer is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2020, 11:31 AM   #2329
nonperson
 
nonperson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: London-ish
I am currently:

Lindsay, I feel absolutely terrible that I unintentionally glossed over that. It is important and you are important. Asking if you're ok seems wrong because I know you aren't but I'll send some love instead and hope that I haven't made you or your pain feel unnoticed. <3

nonperson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2020, 11:41 AM   #2330
EyelinerAndCigarettes
 
EyelinerAndCigarettes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
I am currently:

I am sending you so much love. You are so cared for.







EyelinerAndCigarettes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2020, 07:11 PM   #2331
tamobhuuta
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K.

You are such a kind person, you don't deserve this suffering (I would say no one does) and I'm sorry you tried to kill yourself. How has today been?



Ying tong iddle ai po!

tamobhuuta is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-2020, 06:55 PM   #2332
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Thank you all.

I'm feeling really agitated and have been banging and slapping my head lots. I don't know what to do because I've had my 2 evening Lorazepam. Duty will have finished for the day and I don't want to phone the informal crisis team.

Despite my fit bit telling me I got 10 hours 10 minutes sleep I am so tired. It might be because I've had no caffeine for a while because I'm avoiding the shops and instead getting deliveries when I can. I need to reduce the amount of time I stay in bed. There is fear around the day passing, going to bed, getting out of bed, and the morning routine. The fit bit is annoying me, telling me to get up and walk every hour if I haven't made it to 250 steps. I'm sick of drinking just water. I really want to send the watch back but i've messed up the packaging I think.

I put some images into my notebook about the men and the Mothman and I'm going to write about them. In the Mothman book I read it said people were drawn away from looking at its face so they didn't see facial features. That's the same with the men. When I've seen them out of my head I never see their faces. There is a pull away from looking there. I don't know if they have a human head or not, I know nothing about their features. It's like a drowsy feeling pulling my head down from theirs and blurring my vision. Of course they mostly appear as shadows in my head the majority of the time. This weird weather is triggering some urges to wander or lie outside in the cold.

My CPN is phoning tomorrow though. I need to somehow make the most of the call but it's not enough. I seriously think this would be time for an admission if things were normal. I don't know how to cope being all on my own at home through this.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


one_step_closer is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-2020, 08:31 PM   #2333
nonperson
 
nonperson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: London-ish
I am currently:

Maybe don't wear the fitbit for a while if it's causing you more stress. Do you think you could pop into a shop and get some coffee if you think that would help?

Have you thought any more about going to see your cpn in person even if she has to wear full PPE?

nonperson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-2020, 09:29 PM   #2334
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

I'm sending the Fitbit back. I don't drink coffee and I'm avoiding shops as much as possible. I don't see what seeing my CPN in person would do, she can't offer anything more than she is already doing.

I'm feeling like taking all my X and hopefully I'll just die in my sleep. But I promised my CPN I wouldn't. I'm so suicidal but so tired. Taking meds wouldn't require too much effort.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


one_step_closer is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-2020, 09:30 PM   #2335
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

There's something happening with the other world. I need to properly wake up and go outside.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


one_step_closer is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2020, 07:38 AM   #2336
EyelinerAndCigarettes
 
EyelinerAndCigarettes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
I am currently:

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, I understand how you feel and you aren't alone. I'm really glad you promised your CPN you wouldn't kill yourself. If you can, you need to hold onto that - If you weren't here you would be so missed.

How are you feeling today? Would it help if you were to talk more about what happened last night?







EyelinerAndCigarettes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2020, 10:45 AM   #2337
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Thanks. I don't even know what to say to my CPN, I feel like I can't properly describe anything. I can't.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


one_step_closer is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2020, 12:21 PM   #2338
EyelinerAndCigarettes
 
EyelinerAndCigarettes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
I am currently:

I can relate to that feeling. I wonder, have you thought about trying to write down any singular words that describe your feelings? like 'scared' or 'agitated' and then go from there?







EyelinerAndCigarettes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2020, 05:43 PM   #2339
Zurg
Evil Emperor
 
Zurg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: The TARDIS
I am currently:

I Think it might be a bit of a relief if youcould tell her what you need??? It does not matter if it's impossible right now, or ever. It does not matter if it doesn't line up with the kind of work she does. That in itself is not important, the important thing would be to give your needs a language, a voice apart from the self harm and suicidal behaviour. And even though she might not be able to help you, she might have an idea about where to go and who to talk to. Or she might be able to arrange something that could help you get some of what you feel you need???

If hospital came up as an option, i hope you'll take it. These times are hard enough for people who don't normally struggle with their mental health. In my view you should be offered an admission. That ought to be standard procedure following a suicide attempt.

I hope you can use the phone call today and feel just a bit listened to, understood and supported. Xxx

Zurg is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2020, 06:00 PM   #2340
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Thank you both.

Singular words might help, I often feel like I have to explain things in depth though so everything is heard exactly as it is.

I told my CPN stuff about my head banging and what is going on with the other world and stuff and she said she couldn't see how it was all connected together. I appreciate that it might be hard for people to understand when they're not in the middle of everything. She's going to put my name down for whenever there is a telephone appointment available with the psychiatrist. She is new me/this area so I don't know what she's going to be like and what her views are etc, I hope she's not judgemental. We spoke about how I want to stop the Lorazepam except for taking it as PRN because I don't know how much it does for me. I am unsure about stopping it though, but no one would usually be on it this long in the community. My CPN said to take it as I am for a week. Maybe I could discuss it with the psychiatrist whenever that might be.

I'm not sure what I need though. Really. I just know that if now was a normal time I'd maybe be admitted to hospital. I'm just hoping I can speak to the psychiatrist soon and that she has some ideas about what we can try.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


one_step_closer is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Members Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Censor is OFF
Forum Jump


Sea Pink Aroma
All times are GMT +1. The time now is 01:58 PM.