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Old 03-07-2017, 08:09 PM   #1
Voldemort
 
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Really not coping

I know I have no right to be posting here as I'm useless at supporting people but I'm feeling desperate.

I'm currently in hospital under a section and had my tribunal today. I lost. I will have another one in 3 weeks unless the aliens miraculously go away by then.

I'm not taking my oral meds or eating any of the food here because I'm scared they're trying to change my DNA and turn me into an alien and make me do horrible things. Ritzi is bringing me food in though, so I am eating but I'm still losing weight.

I feel so desperate tonight. I can't stand it in here and desperately want to go home and they keep saying if I don't take my meds I'll be here longer but they're just trying to poison me. They have given me two injections of supposedly an antipsychotic and I tried to retuse but they said they'd restrain me and give it to me anyway. This doesn't seem right to me.

I can't cope. I just want the aliens to leave me alone. They're putting thoughts in my head about hurting people or setting the hospital on fire and I can't cope with it any more. I'd rather be dead. Then I'd be okay and everyone else would be safe. Right now I don't even want to be alive. My mood was fine when I came in but it's slipping so fast and low right now.

I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.

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Old 03-07-2017, 11:58 PM   #2
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I don't have the words just now, but wanted to show some support. I know this is all frustrating and scary, but keep talking to people. Let people know what's going on and how you feel. I'll come back at some point with a better reply. Thinking of you.





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Old 04-07-2017, 12:33 AM   #3
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I have nothing useful to say so I apologise profusely for that. Could you talk to them about your worries? If not, get Ritzi to. She's good at that.

Hope you feel better soon. :]

xXxXx




The world is just illusion always trying to change me.
You will find wonder wherever you can, and spread joy whenever you are able.


I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, divide within me. - Frankenstein.


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Old 04-07-2017, 05:00 PM   #4
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I've been trying to explain how I feel but they don't seem to be very good at listening. Some of the nurses are nice and some just smile and say things like 'you don't really believe that, do you?' As if I'm making it up for shits and giggles. I don't know what to do. If I were home I'd probably just kill myself to get it out of the way. I don't want to hurt people but they're beginning to feel like compulsions. It's like I'm losing control of my mind.

I want to go home so badly. My parents are in the country next week and I'm not even going to get to see them now because they'll be 3hrs away and I was supppsed to be going and now I can't.

I don't understand why me? What did I do? I want to peel my skin off I'm so uncomfortable in here.

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Old 04-07-2017, 05:36 PM   #5
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Oh Amy, you have every right to post here love, so many people here care a lot about you.

I unfortunately don't have the right words right now but...well, here and care.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter


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Old 04-07-2017, 07:24 PM   #6
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It must feel very invalidating to be told "you don't really think that" and it must make it difficult to open up to them. Do you think either you or Ritzi could bring it up with them?

How are you doing today?



In my dreams I slew the dragon


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Old 04-07-2017, 11:03 PM   #7
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Thank you both. <3

Ritzi brought it up with the nurse she spoke to on the phone earlier. I'm not sure how much attention will be paid to it but it has been mentioned. It's very upsetting and invalidating and makes me just want to shut off completely but at the same time I'm so scared I need to talk about it. It's confusing.

Today has been okay. I rested a lot and have done some writing. I'm a bit anxious this evening but the OT gave me this weird ball thing and it's helping. I also have a weighted blanket I can use which is also helpful. I'm kind of hoping I fall asleep tonight and don't wake up in the morning.

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Old 06-07-2017, 09:03 PM   #8
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The nurses have suggested I pop out my own lithium and try taking it that way but the voice is telling me it's a trick and they're not to be trusted. I'm not sure what to do. It feels like they're being reasonable but it also feels like a big conspiracy to poison me. I want to go home and they won't let me home until I'm taking it but if I take it my DNA will change. I'm really confused and conflicted and could really use some thoughts on this. I have about half an hour before they offer it to me.

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Old 06-07-2017, 09:11 PM   #9
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I promise you they can't change your DNA, if they could change DNA they could cure so many genetic illnesses.

I think they are trying to work with you, please try to give it ago. It isn't a trick I promise.

It must be confusing to be so conflicted, following the voices doesn't seem to be giving you any quality of life right now, do you think it worth giving the staff a chance and see if they are the ones being honest with you?



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Old 06-07-2017, 09:42 PM   #10
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The aliens have much more advanced technology than humans do so they could be doing it. I've been thinking about it and I really don't think it's safe to take it. Thank you for your input though.

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Old 06-07-2017, 11:31 PM   #11
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Ok, its good that you have considered it. Do you think it would be helpful to be offered this again in a few days?

I still think it would be safe, but I also think it is important for you to feel that something is safe. What doesn't feel safe today may feel safer another day.

Would it be worth thinking about what would make it feel safe enough to take?



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Old 09-07-2017, 09:29 PM   #12
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I think knowing 100% that it's lithium would help but unless they send me to get my tablets from the factory and I watch it start to finish, that's not going to be assured to me 100%.

I feel so sad tonight. I saw Ritzi today for the first time in almost a week and it made me feel so good but now I feel really low and tearful. I haven't been sleeping very well at all so I'm exhausted. I don't know what to do. I want to go home and not be afraid and sleep and I can't do any of those things. The nurses aren't being particularly helpful so there's no point in talking to them.

I just want to be dead I think so I don't have to think any more. Existing like this is so fucking hard.

I've also eaten a tonne of crap today so now feel disgusting and fat and stupid. Ugh.

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Old 09-07-2017, 10:12 PM   #13
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I'm not sure if that is possible unfortunately. Doesn't lithium usually come with regular blood monitoring? Would it help to see your lithium levels to prove that it is lithium you are taking? I appreciate that doesn't help you take the first couple.

I hear how difficult things are right now, is it now worth taking the risk that maybe what your team are saying is the truth and the voices are lying to you?



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Old 11-07-2017, 01:44 PM   #14
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I'm pretty sure there's an element of lithium in that tablets so yes, my blood work would reflect that. It's the added poison that worries me. I know how it works and how the body processes it etc. It's not the lithium side of it I'm scared of, it's what they've added to it. Idk. Their persistence that I take it is also making me very suspicious. Surely if it weren't tampered with they'd just let me decide instead of trying to foist it on me?

I had a really bad night last night and ended up getting clonazepam which actually worked really well and I slept better than I have done in ages which is a relief. Part of me is worried they'll start poisoning that if I take it too often but it's only been once a week or so at the moment so I don't think it has enough time to build up in my blood to make any changes.

I'm feeling a little better today for the sleep. Less anxious but still quite low and suicidal. I'm going to the cinema in a couple of hours and Ritzi should be in soon so I'm really looking forward to that.

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Old 11-07-2017, 05:54 PM   #15
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I'm glad you got some sleep. It's amazing the difference a good sleep can do for you.

These thoughts and fears must be very distressing. Are you able to talk about it to Ritzi? I wish I could reassure you. I know it's hard to escape these thoughts, but keep talking to people about it and try to remember that people just want to help you, not hurt you.

It's good you are going to the cinema. It's always nice to get away from the ward for a few hours. I hope you enjoy whatever you see.





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Old 11-07-2017, 06:31 PM   #16
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I think their insistence comes from them seeing how distressed you are and knowing that it will probably help, but I will leave the matter here.

I am glad that you got some sleep. X



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Old 12-07-2017, 11:38 AM   #17
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The cinema was good. We saw transformers. Then we went out for a meal and Ritzi and I shared so I knew it was safe. It was lovely.

Then today I planned on using a razor to try to kill myself/damage myself but the thing seemed to be made out of reinforced plastic and all I managed to do was snap the head off. I'm so annoyed and upset right now. I told the nurse I'd dropped it and stood on it and she didn't ask any questions. I don't know what to do. I'd been planning this since last week and I failed and now I'm still alive and don't know what to do.

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Old 12-07-2017, 03:32 PM   #18
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I'm glad it didn't work. I'm glad you are here. We need you in this world!

I wish I had something useful to say, but I am thinking of you.





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Old 12-07-2017, 03:35 PM   #19
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I agree, we want you to stay in this world. *squishes* leaves some love x

Do you think you could tell someone what you were planning on doing? It's important that they understand your level of risk.



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Old 12-07-2017, 09:30 PM   #20
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Thanks both. I don't think I should be in this world though. It's too dangerous. For me and everyone around me.

I told Ritzi and the independent psychiatrist for my tribunal came in today and I stupidly told her. Ritzi will probably tell the nurses tomorrow if the psych didn't but I don't feel like telling them. I didn't actually *do* anything so would probably just look stupid and attention seeking.

Kind of thinking of something else but the likelihood of getting caught is high and I'm not sure I'm at the level of desperate yet.

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