Contains sexual abuse - Lost and confused

[Unbreakable.]

I am proud of you for being able to talk. That's a huge step to take.

Unfortunately, feeling broken is part of the healing process, but if you manage to keep on fighting things will get so, so much better for you in the long run.

[Uglyducklin]

Aww thank you. I wish it didn't make me feel so needy and pathetic. I guess I just need to hang in there. I just need to hold it together. I hope you are doing ok too

[Uglyducklin]

I'm just a disgusting selfish waste of space. I got so anxious I had a panic attack and keep bursting into tears. I've started to feel like I had support and somewhere to go but know even though I have fluid retention issues which translates to gaining fluid and then losing it ( hopefully) and the nurse I see knows this she still says she won't see me if I lose again. It's fluid it's not real weight I'm showing my true weight. I don't have strength to start again not in the mess of memories and flashbacks and feeling held together with sticky tape and to anxious focus . So mum suggests I call my nurse which I did and left a message I don't want her to think I'm being demanding but if she won't see me I need to know what would happen and I feel weak and scared for needing support. I just want to scrub myself until I'm clean :( I'm sorry I shouldn't post x

[Uglyducklin]

I feel I'm falling apart fat and filth spreading out under my skin. I went out last night with a friend and then out of the blue someone who used to baby sit me ( we kept in touch with her ) some twenty years ago wants to see me as it's old friend of hers fiftieth and he used to know me as well would like to see me ( weird I know) . I just don't know how to cope I feel so vulnerable I just want to hide yet I'm going out partly because it avoids eating as I can't currently master the two. I feel like people can see inside my weakness and my shame so I avoid it and the intense violation that go with it. I just feel it's all washing over me and I feel sick and this scares me and I'm making no sense I'm sorry x

[LittleCloud]

*hugs* what you say makes a lot of sense- I feel so many of these things myself and it feels so impossibly frightening when you feel like everyone can see your weakness. Does anyone understand what's happening for you right now?
As bad as it sounds if you really can't cope with going out or eating you do still have a choice not to so long as you can keep to doing what you really have to do to survive and get by. Might not be the greatest of approaches, but if it gets you through that's all that's needed right.
Take care and talk soon

[Uglyducklin]

Thank you cloud it was lovely to see her but sad at the same time. Mixed with loss of my dad and abuse memories. It just paralyses me to remember the mess and filth and choking and then that my dad who I love so much is gone and what if I lose my mum too? My chest aches from holding back the tears. It was meant to be fun but it makes me sad for what has gone before. I'm such a freak I can't enjoy anything :( sorry this is so **** :(

[Uglyducklin]

There is noise in my head so much noise! I can feel them and hear them their hands and their words. I'm just sorry I'm sorry I'm disgusting I'm sorry I'm dirty and I'm fat I'm sorry there is so much of me if there was less there is less to abuse. I feel so violated my skin is crawling. Good girls spit and bad girls swallow. I don't know how to cope. I'm meant to go out to see Ruby Wax and laugh and have fun but I feel pinned to the bed in fear. I'm a useless needy piece of **** I never should have called but I'm scared what if she refuses to help me when I'm learning to trust but I feel undeserving too and like I'm taking somebody's place I'm sorry I shouldn't keep posting.

[Unbreakable.]

Have you discussed how to cope with flashbacks in therapy?
It sounds like you struggle with that an awful lot and I hope you can learn some helpful techniques so they won't be so overwhelming anymore.

Can you try and see that feeling like you don't deserve support is part of your mental illness? Those feelings and thoughts are not true, it is not your fault you feel that way. Hopefully, you can manage to challenge those thoughts and accept the support that you need.

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks so much miss Y . You are right I can't seem to get the hang of the techniques and I feel such a needy failure because it means I ask for support instead when I should be coping on my own but I can't master them I don't know if I just need more practice. It's ridiculous there was a Q and A at the end of Ruby Wax show and this lady an extremely brave woman I must add spoke about how late in life during child protection training ( she was a social worker) they had done a role play and herself and two other co-workers got stuck in the child role. It was then she discovered that she had been sexually abused and she went on to explain that he sister had also thrown herself off of a bridge but survived and it was just triggering and sad and painful to hear. It just brought it back to me and i feel pathetic because that lady had suffered so much that all I'm thinking of is me. I'm supposed to go puppy training as a volunteer tonight and everything just feels too much, food has been chaotic and chewing and swallowing so triggering I don't know if I can suppress the memories to do what needs to be done and eat. I feel completely overwhelmed . I'm sorry this makes no sense at all :(

[Uglyducklin]

I can't do this I need to man the **** up! Suppress the memories, suppress the emotions and last but not least suppress the behaviours! But what if it comes back in a flood and I can't eat or swallow and I lose more control of my filthy fat body. It's a wall of fear and pain where do I begin I feel my body expanding? I'm sorry does anyone have any suggestions.

[Uglyducklin]

I just feel disgusting and dirty and a failure. I feel so ill with this infection I don't want to move but I have to go to therapy. I can't face the memories I really can't I'm so pathetic I'm sorry :(

[Unbreakable.]

I hope therapy went okay <3

[Uglyducklin]

Thank you I just feel shell shocked and tearful I couldn't put words to my experiences and I still feel to blame for everything. Struggling to turn my brain off. Thanks for your kind words.

[Unbreakable.]

Do you think it would help to use some grounding techniques?

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Hun I keep trying but sometimes they don't work :( I'm crap at them. Thank you so much for your support I really don't deserve it .

[Unbreakable.]

Just keep trying, from what I know it gets easier over time when you have more practice. :)

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Hun just hurt so much :(

[Uglyducklin]

I just want to cry I have a text this morning telling me that the nurse I see is off sick I feel bad for her that she isn't well but also so disappointed as I really could have done with the appointment I hate myself for being so needy and selfish. I feel so fat and dirty and like I don't know where my own body is. I'm still ill but I can't face being in and I need to do some academic type stuff but I can't be calm enough to focus and feel to ill to concentrate. I worry so much about being stupid. I just want to cry sorry I'm a pathetic waste of space.

[StormCloud]

I'm really sorry you are feeling so low:( I don't have many words, but I wish you the best, and I hope things start to get better soon! *hugs*

[Uglyducklin]

Thank you I feel in pieces I can't stop crying. I lost where I was twice today and when I came back I was disorientated. I feel so vulnerable and pathetic. I can't bring myself to do my therapy homework. Sorry I'm rambling. I hope you are doing ok.