I've been getting anxious in bed thinking about how one of the people from the gym group and her friend bullied me when we were at school. I can't remember who was the more vocal one. It's upsetting and hard to let go of. I wonder what she remembers. I then start thinking about all of the other people who bullied me.
The bus drivers seem to be talking about me again when they change over. When I got off the bus I noticed that there is a screen in the driver's cab that shows what the camera near the back of the bus is recording. People will have been looking at me lots. I'm so embarrassed. I'll have to try and sit away from the cameras.
I want to do X risky thing but I can't even put up with a normal level of what X involves.
OMG the bus drivers have found out my details. They're coming for me at some point. They'll break into my house or put me under surveillance or attack me or something. It's my fault. I gave them my number and my address. They pretended it was for legit reasons. I want to go out and kill myself before they get me but they're likely already outside. They said they'd be here in half an hour and that was over an hour ago with no text to say what's happening. It gave me a trigger to cut anyway so all is good. Anxious though.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Even if that were true (which it's not) I'm sure they wouldn't be targeting you for any reason. You sit on their buses and they drive you places, which is their job, so why would that mean they hate you?
It's very obvious that they are against me. I know for definite at least two of them really dislike me and they will be telling other people how awful I am. They see me quite a bit and most of the time when people see me a lot they end up hating me, like professionals etc. Was just freaking out last night though and might have went a bit overboard because a Gumtree person took more than 2 hours to arrive after they said they'd be half an hour so I got suspicious.
Been extra anxious today. Managed to go to Tesco but was mega anxious on the way back. I phoned the informal crisis team to see if I could stop by their office for a quick pit stop because it's on my way home but they were on a visit. I made it home anyway. Didn't hide in any corners, didn't approach the police. Just did some extra movements and put my hood up to pretend no one could see me. What even am I?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Hugely awkward time with my support worker going to a cafe today. I got a can of Diet Coke and poured half of it into the glass but didn't drink any at all. I was doing my usual tapping and body/hand movements and rubbish eye contact which I know is way more obvious when I'm sitting with someone than when we were going on walks before. We're going to another cafe next Monday and I can't keep buying a drink and then not drinking any of it so I'm not really sure what to do. The thought of taking a drink in front of a professional or someone I don't know well terrifies and disgusts me. I can drink at the gym group but I'm the only person who doesn't have drink at the reading group. I wish I would disappear. I am disgusting and stupid in mind and actions.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'd likely look stupid by my facial expression or spilling it or something. The support worker might see me or might deliberately look away. It means I'm being kind to myself by allowing myself to drink. It's hard because it's one to one and she's a professional and a proper adult. It probably sounds weird but I get scared when I see the professionals I know with things like a handbag because that's too adult and terrifying for me and I'm not used to seeing them with their handbags. I feel like a freak.
I'm out of cope for today but I'm supposed to be going to the reading group. I was out earlier and went to pick up a book from the library and find out what time we had decided to meet for the group and I told the librarian I'd see her later but I'm so anxious and had a hard time on the walk home and don't think I can get out again. I don't even feel able to phone the library. I can't be bothered with my idiocy.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I keep thinking I hear a radio through the night, I even hear proper adverts and stuff. I sleepily checked what time it was when I heard it last night and it was 1.40am. It did get quieter when the heating noises got quieter but I'm scared that this is connected to the thing that is going on in my house and they turn the radio up or down depending on what background noise there is to mask it. I'm not brave enough to check X place. Then there are people whispering my name in the bathroom sometimes. I'm generally really scared of most things at the moment. Thought about phoning crisis but I don't know if I have the mental energy, and I'd need to go into my car to phone them, and they are often too busy to answer anyway.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The informal crisis team are busy all the time now, it's quite sad. I managed to phone them this evening and asked if they were busy and they said yes but they could talk quickly so I didn't get to say anything I needed to. There's no one to turn to any more. If I phoned Breathing Space I'd have to explain everything from scratch every single time. My key worker only works 2 days now and on one of the days it's just 2 hours to take someone swimming so I can't contact her. I'm noticing more and more how MH services are under pressure.
I want to hide somewhere but there's nowhere. I need a person.
I'm feeling really low and tiredness isn't helping. My sleep is more disturbed than usual because of things going on in my house and in my head. I'm supposed to go to an open access clinic at my GP surgery tomorrow to see about my worsening knee pain and I'm worried that I won't be able to get out of bed on time to make it and that I'll be too low to properly communicate verbally. I have been thinking about writing some short points though.
I want to question the pharmacist about my meds because sometimes the bottles are different and I'm not sure what's going on. I get suspicious about what the meds are. I have in the past worried when the bottles have been more darker brown/less see through than usual and when they have been different sizes or have different coloured rings inside the lid. It sounds a bit stupid anyway, the meds look the same and I know not all bottles are the same but it worries me. I don't know why I'm worried though because I still take the meds even if they are poison or something because it's probably for the best. I'd ask the pharmacist to deliberately poison me if he could get away with it. I have asked a previous GP before about killing me and she said she couldn't for moral, ethical, legal, and spiritual reasons.
Do it yourself idiot.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Just to reassure you about the bottles, but depending on who dispenses the medication will depend on what sized bottles you get. I ALWAYS overestimate the size of bottle that I need and often give bigger ones than a colleague would for the same amount of medication. Bottles are often sourced from different/the cheapest manufacturer, which would account for their slightly different colouring/different ring colours. Even bottles sourced from the same supplier could very a bit because of the manufacturing process. It's nothing to worry about, though I can understand you being suspicious.
Writing some short points for the GP sounds like a good idea. I hope you manage to make it to the clinic.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I didn't make it to the clinic, will need to try again on Monday. I'm feeling really low and was glad I didn't have to talk to anyone when I went for my prescription and to the shop. Everything is slower and thicker and heavier.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Totally mad week. Wandering to find X in the dark and rain. It was too early to do anything so I came home to feed the cats. I phoned Breathing Space just to have a human to talk to, I didn't expect anyone to be able to offer me support because there is nothing that can be done. Breathing Space person said she legally had to pass me on to NHS 24, NHS 24 said they would get a CPN to phone me despite me saying it would be a waste of their time. CPN phoned and was surprisingly kind and nonjudgemental considering she doesn't know me but knows my diagnosis. She said she thinks I've made a lot of progress when she looked at my notes on a timeline. She didn't refer me to duty for over the weekend, I think she thought I'd be able to phone someone easily. But I couldn't phone duty because there will probably be people out there who really need them, proper unwell people in real danger. It's really hard now not having someone to contact, since the informal crisis team are too busy also. I can't keep phoning Breathing Space because they usually escalate things and pass me on to NHS 24. The CPN from NHS 24 said I can phone directly and ask to speak to a MH nurse but it's rare to speak to someone who doesn't judge me negatively.
Everything is 100% hopeless and I just have to sit here and experience it. Forever. No way out. I want to shout about all the shit in life and say fuck this and act recklessly towards myself. I want the option to say I'm not doing this any more when things become unbearable. But when things become unbearable I'll probably still be very quiet and trying to tolerate everything.
On a side note, I didn't realise that walking on tiptoes can be seen as an issue. I have done it since childhood but was never investigated, I still do it now unless I am in shoes that really restrict me and then I feel like I walk very clumsily. I don't think it's a massive problem, I was searching to find out if it could be messing up my knees but got no answer there. It's possibly a sign of high functioning autism, people have mentioned Aspergers to me before but my previous psychiatrist always said I don't have Aspergers. It's not hugely important that I know what is right, I just wonder.
Don't know how I'm going to cope with going to a cafe with my support worker again tomorrow. I haven't come up with a solution for making myself drink something and I'm anxious and low with everything that has been happening recently and feel like it will be extra torture having to sit in a cafe.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I went to the cafe with the support worker, luckily she allowed me to go in but not have a drink because I was anxious. A woman in the cafe was staring at me because I was doing anxious movements. I feel like a freak.
Someone had left a note for my key worker to catch up with me because I've been struggling so she came to see me in the afternoon. She wanted to set up a crisis plan for me for a week or so, so that I have a set time where I can talk to the informal crisis team rather than phoning and they're too busy but I said no to that because I'd likely have nothing to say at a set time and I'd be on edge waiting for the phone to ring every night. She also said that maybe this is a time where I should have one of my planned admissions to hospital but that's a no also. It would upset my brother.
I was thinking about what I had written in people's Christmas cards 'I hope you have a lovely Christmas, whatever that means to you' and I remembered the worker at the gym group said it back to me because she doesn't give out cards and I wondered what does a lovely Christmas mean to me? My first thought is one where my brother is happy. I wish I wasn't living in the shadow of his life and well being/lack of well being.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
