I keep suppressing / distracting myself from the pain because it's just too bad....
Last year, something happened, getting dumped, which ripped open my defences and the pain was so great that my impulse reaction was to try and jump out of the nearest window, but the window was closed / too small anyway. I then managed to calm down slightly and call someone.... But the pain was still there. I would wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and feeling like my chest was being ripped open. Or that there was a writhing black hole inside me that could never be filled....
I moved on really quickly into another relationship, and now that has broken down because I just used it to suppress the pain without dealing with it... I'm still in denial, but last night I woke up at 1am and had a brief moment of clarity and instantly the terrible pain was back but I managed to push it down again....
I'm so confused. I don't know what this pain is or why it's there.... and I honestly wonder whether, if I allowed myself to feel it all, I'd go mad or my heart would literally stop. I've been holding this in, moving rapidly from relationship to relationship my whole life. Thinking that I'd find the one that would never end and I'd never feel the pain again.
I'm 25 and had 8 boyfriends, practically consecutively. I miss all of them in various ways and every time it's ended I've been heartbroken.... After one of my earlier break ups, I started screaming and I couldn't stop... With every break up, my reactions are getting worse :(
This time I'm determined to break the pattern and release the pain once and for all but I don't know how, or even understand why it hurts THIS much. I dislocated my shoulder once and I screamed none stop until it popped back in again. I think the emotional pain I feel is equal to that...
I wonder if there's an equivalent of "popping it back in" for whatever is emotionally broken inside me? The minute my shoulder went back in, the pain stopped.... hmmmm....
Anyway, I'm just venting my thoughts so I don't go crazy.
If anyone can help me I would very much appreciate it x
|
