Don't know what to do.

[havealittlefaith]

I am struggling so much. I'm so sad it's like I feel as though I'm spending and the waves keep crashing. I have not hurt myself since September 2017. I'm feeling really low and been crying a lot.

I have a lot of things happening. I keep having thoughts of doing things that are dangerous I feel reckless.

I was on a bridge on Monday and needed up at a train station nearly got 136 but agreed to go a&e which felt like admitting failure. Anyway got there the crisis team told the nurse they have had loads of contact with me recently and would be ages. I got really upset cuz I haven't had any contact with them I've been doing well. I walked out.

The gp said that my history and brushed of how well I've been doing and sent the cops after me. That started the station.

I've being trying to get though to duty didn't the 28/12 Today I finally get a voicemail back saying call crisis which isn't helpful.

I was at another station today thinking of hurting myself but I didn't because a member of staff spoke to me and stopped me.

I don't know how to cope right now. I.dont wanna mess up but I'm really not okay. It feels like no one listens until you hurt yourself.

I don't know what I want from this post I'm sorry.

[Fire Fly]

Hey hun, I’m so sorry that no one has replied to this sooner. It sounds like you’re going through a horrible time at the moment. Has anything contributed to the decline in how you’re feeling?

How are you feeling now? Do you think that whoever spoke to a&zero from htt was just a arsehole? And maybe just try calling them to ask for help? Do your trust have a contact centre for when you’re in crisis to talk to? That is out of hours?

How is M? Have you seen your bubba recently?

Take care xxx

[havealittlefaith]

There's a lot of things that have been happening since Christmas.

I saw a partner at the gp he's gonna see if his traniee will by gp. He told me I can call them all time and they said they will see me.

I have to go see my worker tomorrow I feel like.ahes gonna hate me so much.

I'm angry the police are gonna write a report and the social worker will see it and that then I won't be able.to see my little.one.

[Fire Fly]

Sorry I didn’t quite understand the bit about the GP part?

Why do you think your worker will be angry? You’ve been struggling and they go into the profession to care so should be there for you! Do you fee you have that relationship with her?

What happened with the police? Your little one lives worth your family right?

[havealittlefaith]

My named gp is on maternity leave for a year I'm not good with change so there's no one following me up properly and the duty doctors horrible usually so one of the senior docs is gonna see if his trainee or him can be my doc for now. I got told I can speak to him anytime I need to and can come in without an app or call up. I guess that helps cuz least he weren't talking bout the crisis team which they upset me along with the doc Monday.

I think it's cuz I feel so disssapointed and angry in myself and the way some professionals have been this week has me feeling very anxious and the doctor left a message for her.

I've worked with her for a long time and we have a good relationship better than I have with my family.

I feel like when you doing well then you need to ask for help it feels like a huge failure.

I wanna make it 2 years incident free but I don't know if I can with people brushing of my trying then what's the point.

Monday the duty doctor said but my history the crisis team saying they have had loads of contact with me upset me then the police.

So I guess I feel replaceable and unimportant and someone who is important is not okay and it hurts cuz I need them but I'll be there for them.

And the people in my circle seem to be going though stuff and I feel like I have yo be the strong one so that's making it harder to reach out as well.

The police wanted to 136 me cuz the doctor called saying stuff not what I had said he lied a bit I didn't wanna go but didn't wanna be 136 but next time I'll just let them cuz I went to a certain hospital and the nurse said the crisis said they had loads of recent contact it made me angry so I walked out and no one even called for a welfare check I was walking home at midnight.

WEDNEDAY I was at a different station thinking to jump and overdose but staff spoke to me I didn't in the end I went ice skating and that was scary but I had been crying before.

Today I went back to same station feeling same with things but decided to give the doctors surgery another chance and saw the different doctor whose a partner and he said there's a meeting tomorrow so he can discuss my case.

It just feels like what with the police also lying to me coming to my house saying x don't love me and x is using me that hurt a lot to.

His dad has him and seeing him is breaking me playing happy family's I hate his dad for ruining my life

[havealittlefaith]

I can't sleep crying and cold heating not working and got some news that's upset me but can't say what. The universe hates me.