No he doesn't need or want parenting from me at all, I know that. It's me who can't let go of worry about him and wanting to make everything ok for him. When things go wrong it's like he isn't looking for help himself so I feel like I have to try and sort things out which is usually not possible and then I just get consumed with pain about his suffering. I care about him as if I was his parent, just like actual parents may not be needed to do 'parenting' stuff but they still worry etc. I want him to be ok and I'm very sad that he isn't and that I can't fix things.
Today has been awful. Life is pointless and I need to end it. I was sitting on the back step of my house for about 2 hours. It was freezing but I felt like I couldn't move or phone or text anyone. Not that there is anyone I could contact. I heard lots of people going in and out of cars and into neighbours houses but there was no one coming to help me. The easiest way out is X suicide method. It only needs a few steps. I have no energy to get to the location right now but I think it really has to be done. I can't keep going on like this. Everything has been such a waste - my Mum carrying me and giving birth to me, the NHS resources I've had, the education, money, housing, food, oxygen, all services, the worries I've caused people, medication, the cats developing a relationship with me. Maybe people would think that if I don't kill myself then that would mean there would have been no waste but that's not true. While I am alive I continue to waste resources. I have nothing to give and I can't go on feeling like this. I thought about overdosing but that would be a slow and painful death or I'd end up in hospital getting medical help anyway so it's pointless.
There is no pain relief. There is no pain relief through self harm now either. X is the only option.
I thought about phoning the informal crisis team to be less alone but I shouldn't because they will judge me and decide I must want to live if I'm phoning them. If I went to X I'd need to hope things happened quickly so I wouldn't look out of place because if I'm found out no one will let me die.
I need to go. Let me go.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I can't give you my blessings to leave this life behind. I am a firm believer that as long as there is life there is also hope.
Please don't feel like you owe it to the world to die in order to increase resources. You have as much right to be here as anyone else, and you are filling a very important Lindsay-shaped hole that only you can fill.
You have been alone for too long with no one to challenge your thoughts and they have consumed you because no one has been there to counter them with love and logic. But it isn't too late for that. It's never really too late for that!!!!
I do get the feeling of hopelesness and stagnation. I am there too. I try to cling on to the hope that maybe, someday in the future things will change. They will be different. Perhaps not that much better but maybe just different. And that means if they can be different, then they can change. For the better too.
I wish i could give you all the answers but i'm afraid i can't. And it’d be pointless anyway because you have to find them yourself if they are going to mean something to you.
What are you afraid of???? Like, what scares you most about possibly getting better????
This Lindsay shaped hole could be filled with something much nicer, even if it didn't fill up the whole space exactly. I don't think I will ever have any kind of positive personal relationships that would allow me to be soothed and feel loved. I don't simply want to die so there are more resources, I just can't deal with this immense emotional pain. It's way too much.
I'm not sure if better is a possibility. I'm not exactly afraid of better but better wouldn't actually be better unless my brother was also doing well and we won't both reach that point at the same time.
I'm so scared of this pain, of the hugely dark places I get to often. Today has been slightly better than yesterday so far because that was just awful but I know that things will get worse at some point. Later on today, tomorrow, whenever...There is always a battle to be faced. It's just the emotional pain I can't deal with. I don't know of any strategies that work for me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't excatly believe that there is a way out of the darkness for all of us but i do believe that a life can be a valuable life even if it is spent mostly in the darkness. To you it may seem like your life is a waste of resources and time and space and that you only consist of negative emotions and everything they entail. That is not the view from where i am standing though. You spend time here and you offer well meant and very empathetic advice to people in the same boat as you. You could choose not to and focus solely on your own struggles and be consumed by them but you take the ooportunity to offer some wisdom and i sight and hope to those in need. And that is very admirable and kind.
You don't contribute negative things to the world that would justify a world without you. Just because you are in pain doesn't mean you pass it on to others. I am sure there are people out there who enjoy time spent with you. And people who would want to know you better. I know from myself that one of the hardest things in this life is to let the love inside, but if you could do it just a little bit i think you'd find a great solace in that and possibly a little bit of hope.
I have an appointment with my CPN tomorrow but I have no idea how to get things across to her. No method of communication seems to explain things any more. I can't accurately verbalise this fight and while my emotions are being hidden in appointments it can't be seen.
Nothing is getting better. There are no helpful treatment options and things that do kind of help (self harm) I can't do well enough any more. I will be drowning forever. It is like drowning. I can't swim so have to fight extra hard not to go under and a lot of the time I do go under. I wish I at least had people I could reach out to. I was thinking about how when the police have taken me to A&E I'm usually assessed and told I have plenty of support in the community so I'm sent home. It's like people are saying I should only ever need support during appointed times and because I have appointments I have enough.
I try to phone the informal crisis team or Breathing Space but either no one answers or I hang up when they do. These are actual separate people from me whose actions I can't control so if they wanted to do something that I didn't want them to do, like continue talking or pass me on to NHS 24, then I wouldn't be able to stop them. They will hear what I say and react to it. As weird as it sounds I'm not used to that because at appointments I don't often communicate well enough. I'm too tired for anything that might help also, like making phone calls and persevering, and the negative things too like self harm. It's stupid.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think, for now, maybe write some things down. Don't get hung up on trying to make it sound excatly like you feel because as you said, it is too hard to express that eloquently. But maybe some bullet points and some a little bit of explaining in detail. I think if you could just have one or two important things expressed to your cpn that would at least be a start.
The thing is that this communication thing doesn't just start working on its own accord. You have to practise it. And it's okay not to be fluent at it in the beginning. It's okay to not be able to find the exact words to express everything inside but i feel it would be good if you could get across some points which are important to you.
I don't know how you feel about this but would you be able to steer the conversation tomorrow in the direction you feel it should go???
Thank you. I had put some small notes in my phone and was looking over them in the waiting area like I had to memorise them for an exam or something. Silly, I could have looked at my phone during the appointment. Most stuff didn't come up anyway, I do have a bit of influence on where the conversation goes but I'm not good at bringing everything up because I worry about time pressures and I don't like to change the subject if it's not important to me. My CPN did say she understands how it must be exhausting to fight negative stuff most of the time and she thinks I need a balance with some fun things. I don't really get many positive feelings from anything though and I've looked into possible activities and tried lots of things too. My CPN said that I have done a lot of therapeutic work and trying activities and stuff but things don't seem to help, she recognises that. She said she doesn't know what I'd want her to do if I'm stuck in a box where I think the only solution is suicide. She spoke about things she'd be interested in doing but I'm really not interested in anything. It was good to have contact but that usually makes me feel a little better so I can't put across just how bad things are. There is no way I made her see just how painfully trapped I am and how suicidal I am.
We spoke about how I feel like I can't contact anyone. She said I can contact the CMHT any time because there will always be someone around that I know if she isn't available herself. The whole making the phone call thing is scary to begin with and then I wouldn't know what to say. I need a person but I don't have the words.
I don't know how to have hope when I feel so hopeless. I don't know how to soothe myself and while I can't have some pain relief I can't see through the thick darkness so I really can't have any hope. Being awake is torture. Sleeping only gives me bad dreams. I don't want to keep trying to tolerate life. I want to end it. It seems so simple when I think about it but something always stops me. I don't want to get it wrong, I don't want to mess things up for my brother, I don't want my cats to not have me around any more. But I so hugely want to die, for me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Life has traumatised me and I have caused pain to others and continue to do so. I should never have been born. It wasn't a mistake that my twin died, the mistake was that I was supposed to die too. Maybe it's acceptable enough to die 32 years late. I cut but it didn't help. There is no relief.
How do I just let go? I need permission and I need a push. Take one little step. I will be physically anxious and that's really thick to walk through and do X. I need strength. I do not want this life.
Chester is dead. He was alive and then he killed himself. Suicide is possible.
My 'protective factors' aren't even positive ones. The reality is they are pressures and they are pushing down on me and forcing me to experience pain that I don't want to experience. Me staying alive won't even be a major good thing for anyone during their lives and in the end. I don't contribute good I just try to avoid adding more pain to their lives. I am not enhancing anyones life. They all would have been better off if they had never come into contact with me. Delete me and replace me with something better.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you. It's ok not to have words, please don't feel you have to respond to me.
I really just want to die, that simple. I am terrified of what life will bring in the future and I am being tortured by emotional pain in the present. There is no escape other than through death. I keep being reminded of when I used to be so impulsive and risky and just overdose and self harm and attempt suicide etc over and over again, but now I am silent and still. I'd rather be able to destroy myself like I was back then. I worry that I have grown out of it, there is nothing to replace it. I want to cause myself some damage. I want to quit holding everything inside, I try to let it out but no words express things any more. Self harm would be the ideal thing for me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't know who to turn to about anything. I don't know what to do. Everything is scary and confusing and I can't make a phone call to discuss things.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I got my cutting box out but I feel almost paralysed in my ability to self harm. Tired, distant, unreal, just unable. I'm not sure how much I exist in this moment and I especially don't know if other people truly exist. I phoned the informal crisis team and the person I can't talk to answered and I hung up. I would have hung up no matter who it was anyway. I phoned Breathing Space but no one was available. Do real people even exist over the phone? No one can see me but everyone can see me. I feel like I could stand in front of a moving car and I'd be hit but it still wouldn't be real. There are varying levels of reality and I don't firmly exist in any of them. I need to contact emergency personnel. There is no one. The fact that I can't hurt myself physically means I'm ok. If I wasn't too bothered by the cold I'd be as well lying down outside until I decompose. I will get kicked out of my house when I'm taken off benefits anyway. In what form do I exist? How can I reach out when i'm unsure and when telephone contact reinforces disconnection? Tomorrow I have an appointment with my support worker but things will be different then and I can never find the right words anyway. There are no people I can connect to. I am alone.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Could you write a note with all this for the support worker or whoever you trust? I'm really glad you haven't hurt yourself because you don't deserve pain.
No one hears me, in spoken words or written words.
I need to end myself in whatever form I exist. I wish someone would help me to do that. Everything is absolutely hopeless and I don't want to face the future. Please don't make me be trapped here, please. I need to die. It should be easy but it's not. I can't deal with this pain any more. Fuck.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Now is just a good time to die. Really. Inpatient would do nothing for me, there is no kind of treatment that will help.
Trying to use the new Breathing Space web chat but it's closed, they're probably busy, which I guessed would happen. It's equally as anxiety provoking refreshing the page as it is to listen to a phone ringing. My support worker today told me to just keep phoning people back if I hang up but it's not that easy. There are people around but they aren't truly around for me if I can't find the courage to access them.
My support worker said I need to start progressing with her rather than we just talk about things or the support might be stopped. I'd actually rather it was just stopped. It's sad that I'm not allowed support to just be, it's always about moving forward in ways that are defined by other people.
I wish I could rip my heart out, I am in such agony. I'm going to have to get on with suicide sooner or later. It's hard to push past the physical anxiety feelings when attempting suicide though and I am frustrated with myself for that. No one hears me because I can't reach out and if I do reach out I can't explain anything. My cats will learn to love someone else and forget about my. My life is a waste of time. It needs to end.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Curveball
