Hello, everyone.
I have PTSD and I am not a soldier. I was given it by abusive parents. I could tell stories but I won't.
But ... A new thing has expressed itself to me. That thing is ... what is me? I am beginning to feel like a different person from myself. I see through my own eyes always unless I am sleeping. But is my pain strong enough that my subconscious mind is stronger than myself?
I survive but is that enough? I want to be strong but ... Even though I see my therapist weekly I am now wondering if my conscious and subconscious minds are now mortal enemies?
I hate my parents ... And I hate myself perhaps?
Insert creep by stone temple pilots here.
In short ... I do not know how to look at myself anymore and my soul feels tired.
I'm sorry you're struggling with PTSD symptoms. Have you talked to your therapist about this perceived disconnect with yourself?
I think in the case of abuse, it's natural to hate your abusers, and unfortunately the abused person ends up hating themselves for a variety of reasons.
I can empathize with the feeling of your soul feeling tired. Does therapy help ease the burden of that at all?
It must be scary to have all of those feelings and confusions. Exploring them with your therapist might be a safe way to look at those things, while you aren't alone and have some support. What do you feel isn't working with therapy? Do you know what you do need?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Well I am at the bottom of a well I need to climb out of. So I need to restart my life from literally nothing. Mostly we talk about doing that and it's true the rest will fall into place. But that makes my therapist seem more like a job coach. I can get that from a temp agency. Those 1 hour appointments feel like 20 minutes and go so fast. It doesn't feel like we ever talk about much else.
No, not really. I'm terrible at socializing honestly. I'm not sure how to even begin to do that. It will become a long awkward silence. It's easier to type than it is to talk.
That's a fair idea but I don't know what to say. He was talking about cognitive behavioral therapy at one point. I learned a few breathing techniques to calm outbursts of anxiety, stress and anger. But then I told him they weren't doing anything anymore which is the truth and nothing. No response at all. The session ran out of time and it wasn't mentioned again. I guess he got distracted by something else. Who knows?
What can anyone discuss with a therapist who clearly isn't paying attention? But if I mentioned that to him he would probably just point a finger at my post-traumatic anger. When I think about it that way my mask feels much safer; nod, say yes & repeat.
Looking back at that post of mine reminds me of how I need to keep reminding myself how small and weak I am and that's okay. Those emotional outbursts dictate me. Even by me trying so hard to avoid them. They can come out of nowhere like a clown laughing from the darkness, and both the clown and the darkness is ... me ... Yeah you're right, I need to start writing stuff down.
You don't need to mention that he's not paying attention, but when you see your therapist next could you ask about other techniques to calm your anxiety if breathing techniques don't work any more? He might not mention it again if he doesn't know that it's something you'd like specific help with. Sometimes you have to ask again.
There are probably lots of resources online that you could look up for other techniques too. Be proactive! Even if you just research them and talk about it with your therapist next time.
Okay, fine. Let me explain something. I tend to trigger when someone, such as my therapist, knows 34 years of details of the trauma in my life as well as the consequences that came as a result of that. In short I don't like it when people lack empathy for another person they are personally or professionally close to.
So after listening to the 34 years of trauma that is my life a therapist just sits there scratching their head unable to remember the previous week and unable to associate one appointment with the next then yeah ... I'm probably going to get a little bit sassy with them about it in my head where it will stay and build and grow until I explode and end up in jail again.
I'm one of those excons actually looking for help so I show up and don't miss appointments. I listen and learn selectively. If the therapist can't return that favor then ... as you brits say "bugger off" ... Hahahaha
It is frustrating when people can't remember some info about you but they do have a lot of patients. Maybe he doesn't realise how much this is affecting you, the only way to let him know is to tell him clearly.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Yeah, I see him again this thursday. I just have to try not to sound snotty when I say it. Sometimes it's so easy for me to sound aggressive that I don't even notice.
That's a hard one. I know that sometimes when people try to be conscious of how they sound and try not to sound aggressive or whatever it can actually be harder not to sound aggressive. Maybe you could say that you need to talk about something that might make you irritated but that you will try to stay as calm as possible, so he is sort of prepared just in case. I guess as a therapist he has likely seen a huge range of emotions and responses anyway. You could try writing down some points you want to bring up if it would help.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The sad part is when I drink alcohol the social hiccups don't exist. I need to stop though. It's so hard. Last time I talked about the beer with my therapist he asked me if I'm drinking to kill myself. I just feel better when I drink. I don't even drink to get drunk. But he's right. The beer doesn't mix well with the meds I am on. That's what makes me wonder about any separation between my conscious and subconscious mind. Is it maybe as easy as simply bridging the divide between the two?
Buuuut when Thursday comes I won't be in the same state of mind as I am now so even if I mention it I will just be reading from a piece of paper ...
Reading from a piece of paper could be a start. I wasn't great at communicating verbally when I started therapy so I'd write things down and I gradually became more confident at just saying some things.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
