So

[Eir]

Hey.
Hope things are improving, did you manage to text someone?
do you know why you were having trouble sending that text?
I hope you are alright Matthew. Sorry for Not replying sooner.
Annie

[leanne-k]

Hi, I've just seen that no one has commented for a couple of days and just wanting to make sure your okay and to let you know you are not alone.

*hugs*

[Margo]

Thanks.

I'm ok. Low.. Very low. Alone this weekend.

[Margo]

Therapy consists of my therapist literally telling me what I know I'm doing. Self attacking, self sabotaging, self hating. Going back to hurting myself as its a safer place than facing the world.

It doesn't help. Why keep reminding me what I know. I just makes me more aware of the total flick up I am.

Can't stop thinking about death. Who to give what to whom. I made a promise not to die.

People don't understand

[Pomegranate]

What would you rather happen in therapy? Have you told the therapist that isn't helpful?

[Margo]

Some ideas how to think differently. Instead of just telling me why over and over and over.


When she says im doing it because of x,y and z I feel like screaming and saying i ****ing know. Yeah i know it's cus I wasn't taught self nurturing as a kid, yeah I know it's because of all the other ****.

Okay so I know why. Now change tac and tell me something I don't know.

I have told her this. She said she would change. Nothing changed.

I asked her why she always asks to see my cuts. I'd never show anyone. She said because she feels I want people to see my pain. We duh. Don't we all kinda want that secretly? To be able to show people what we do that we keep hidden from the world so that they can perhaps begin to see the ****ing mess that's inside us?

Besides, ive seen the look on someone's face when they saw. It's happened twice and i spent hours calming them down. Counselling and comforting them. It ain't happening again.

I start this new team in two weeks. Maybe they can help? Who knows?

I used to spend so much time on this forum. Ive spoken to hundreds of people. Hopefully helped a lot too. So why the **** do I feel I know nothing again?

I'm so angry with myself. I hate myself so much. No one who knows me gets it cus im so lovely and smart and capable and funny and wonderful and kind and lalalalalalalalalalalalalala. **** that.

Sorry
Sorry
Sorry
Sorry

[Eir]

It sounds as though your counsellor is stuck with the old way / easy way of thinking when it comes to self harm. Doesn't seem a good fit for you. Looking at part of the picture, focusing on the bit where hat is common. Ignoring the fact that that isn't a helpful approach for you despite evidence that highlights that fact. Sounds like CBT isn't therapy for you. Some therapists don't seem to get the fact that Unless you are a moron (and you're not) you dont self harm for years and endure therapy for years without learning why you are doing it. Knowing why doesn't fix it, just like knowing why you don't produce insulin doesn't fix diabetes.
I don't know if there are any approaches that may help. I don't know how to make your therapist realise that them pointing out why you are self hating makes you hate yourself more. And I definitly don't know how to make you feel ok enough to not want to die.
But I can tell you you aren't alone. I can read your posts and offer my take on things. Or give you digital hugs when I'm wordless. Ryl lets you vent in a safe space.
*hugs*
Take care Matthew

[Margo]

I don't have cbt. I have psychodynamic therapy. I pay privately for my sessions and take a 250 mile round trip fortnightly to do so. I pay for it all from my ste benefit.

Don't get me wrong I have a good therapist. The best I've had. We've been together a long time nd she's smart, very smart and that is something I need cus I can be relatively smart too when my brain actually functions.

Getting to core issues and deep dark places as to why when and where my various thought patterns have stemmed has been hugely helpful. IM a different and better person for it.

Ironically, it is a more cbt type approach im missing. Perhaps when I meet with the intensive therpies team next week this can change?

Ive felt less in danger recently. I'm not actively suicidal now, I just think about it a lot rather than plan it and search relentlessly for the right moment. I guess it's like a dull headache that's always in the background. I know this isn't healthy and I know it's a bad sign. But I guess I'm saying I'm a lot more stable than when I first made this thread. I'm also a lot fatter, craggy and hairy.

im tired. I sit in silence a lot and I sit alone for the majority of the time. Huge empty voids with little or no productivity of any kind.

Ramble ramble. Feel sorry for self. La la la

[Eir]

*hugs* sorry, didn't understand, my own bias crept in, despite trying to leave it out of the conversation.
It's good you are more stable. And you are aware enough to know where youre at.
Good luck with the team. I hope they give you the portion of therapy that you need

[d.rocky]

I don't think I can offer any words of advice that will be of any use but I just wanted to say its good to hear you're feeling more stable.

[Margo]

Thanks.

Amazing how quickly you get used to pain isn't it. A quick nip in, do the deed and back out smiling and saying hi to those who walk past. We have a joke, mention the rugby quickly and no one has a clue.

[Margo]

I feel fine. I mean I feel fine. No excuses now. Nothing to hide behind, All ok. So now it's just plain old laziness.

Don't even know why I cut. No need. No reason.

Worlds champion bullshitter, fraud and fake. Ho hum.

Sorry

[Pomegranate]

So if you feel fine then what's the plan moving forwards?

[Margo]

Gonna cover myself in cheese and skateboard over an eel.

[Pomegranate]

That sounds awesome! What kind of cheese?

[Margo]

I'd advocate Tom my ine to talk bout how they feel with friends and family.

Funny how when youre asked how you feel and you tell them you feel dreadful and are struggling they all disappear.

Funny how when drunk or high friends sit and tell you how much you mean to them and if there is anything they can do then just ask. Then they disappear.

So ive decided to tell everyone I'm fine. Instant replies to messages.

Why do we see denial and lies about how we feel as a strength? Friends with cancer telling the world they are fine and in no pain and it's all ok are seen as heroes. Oh they're so brave. Put in a pedestal and we sit and wish we had their strength. They are both dead now. Few people know how much they suffered. I was one.

So taking that on board I guess I'm just seen as that miserable **** who brings us all down. But yeah he's ok when he's being silly and happy cus happy is cool and we can deal with that cus when we said we'd be there to listen we just said it cus it's the done thing. Heaven forbid you'd actually tell us and expect us to help or even listen.

Sound like an angry post? Yeah it is. I don't go around asking for help. I hide it 90% of the time.

But what's the ****ing point. Today my head is mush. Slow motion and slurred speech.

Therapy tomorrow and I'm considering telling her it's time to end it as im getting no where.

[effervescence]

Hey dude,

I'm sorry to see this thread and see where you are at right now. The following quote I can really identify with:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Margo

Cutting is exhausting. For me it's calculated and controlled. It Feels the only thing I have left in control of my life right now.

As well as this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Margo

I ****ing hate being spoken to about self harm like I'm a teenager. I'm past 40 now. I'm sick of being told about distraction methods. When I want to cut I want to cut. Simples.

I often think about posting threads but hardly ever do because I feel like nothing ever changes. I think part of that is because I never really do a lot to make it change. I think you said you have seen your therapist for a long time now (and she knows you well and is intellingent etc) and if you're anything like me you come to really depend on that person and the relationship you have with them. But have you considered that maybe it's time for a change? Could you see someone new?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Margo

Therapy tomorrow and I'm considering telling her it's time to end it as im getting no where.

[Eir]

Thinking of you. I relate to where you are at. I hope you are ok. Denial like that is also exhausting. Perhaps that's why some see it as strength. I don't know. I personally think admitting the pain is more difficul, and shows morenstrengy.
Take care Matthew.
Annie

[Margo]

Thanks both.

I saw someone at the MHT last week. Was a disaster. I cried, was slurry, slow motions and super vacant. I thought it was obvious I was in distress? I got a referral to the psych for a medication review and a booklet with courses I can apply for like a two day mindfulness session and a half day coping with low mood session.

If I hadn't planned to go away the following day I guess something bad would have happened.

Im away now. Its a good distraction but that's all it is.

I had some heated words in therapy and my therapist really thought it was positive. Apparently I protect her in my sessions? Go figure.

I just don't like confrontation.

I feel like a spider in the bath. You know when they scramble up the sheer face and expend all that energy to only end up exactly where they started. I'm just waiting for someone to turn on the tap and flush me away.

[Eir]

*hugs* I get the spider thing. So much effort for what appears to be nothing.
It's unfortunate that the mht did nOt work out as hoped.
Hopefullynsomething good comes of it.
Take care Matthew
*More hugs*