(Forewarning; I really hope I haven't gone into detail that I'm not allowed to or anything like that!)
Hii, I've lurked on SH forums before, but never posted, but here goes;
I'm 21 and I started cutting myself when I was 10, I just felt utterly depressed for a hell of a long time. From then on I've had all sorts of councelling and therapy and medication, and only stopped SHing for a year, when I was 16.
It seemed to come back with a vengeance after then, and in the past 6 months I've had to go to A&E twice (Which I've never had to do before, for SH).
I've just had enough. The previous time, in October, was my first time having to go to A&E and it was SO scary, and painful and generally horrible, I swore I'd never cut again! But last week, I ended up back in a&e, terrified out of my skull.
Very much at the point where I'm willing to try anything, even something extreme, to get me to never do it again. I'm scared what I could do to myself, basically.
I've been having a general mooch round the internet tonight, but I can't seem to find anything helpful :(
Don't worry about the content of your post, as far as I can tell it hasn't broken any rules or gone in to detail that you shouldn't have :) Welcome to posting on RYL by the way!
I'm sorry to hear that the self harming has escalated for you and that it is becoming increasily dangerous and very scary for you. It sounds really hard and please know that we will do our best to support you. I, myself, am recovering from self harm and got to quite dangerous points with it so I can relate to the fear and sometimes the question of - what do I do now when I've already tried so much?! So anytime you want to chat, feel free to PM me.
It's good that you are at the point of being willing to try anything and it sounds like you are quite committed to recover, albeit through a deep sense of fear. Do you have any professional input at the moment? It might be that there are different types of therapy that you haven't tried? Such as DBT, schema therapy etc. There are so many different types out there that just because one hasn't worked, doesn't mean another won't. I personally tried CBT & DBT & various others whilst in an adolescent unit (in Cardiff as it happens!) and eventually found that it is schema therapy that works for me.
Could you think about a crisis plan/kit for when you have the very intense urges? This page has a lot of information about self harm as well as recovery. I've found a lot of helpful things on the different links and if you could put together your own plan - such as distractions, reasons not to, it might help you.
Thankyou so much, I really appreciate it :) I found it SO awkward making a thread, but it seemed like the sort of thing I ought to do! So I really appreciate the lovely reply :)
I've got a support worker atm, and I recently finished a course of counselling, and am now on a waiting list for CBT with the same people - it could take up to a year though :/ The councelling ended a couple sessions early - my decision - because I felt nothing had happened, and a couple more wouldn't help anything..
I've got an anxiety disorder to go with it, so it takes a looong time and a lot of effort for me to start actually doing things/courses! Also given half a chance I'll find any excuse to not go >.<
I had a quick look now, and I will definitely read more into everything soon, thankyou :) - There's a hell of a lot of options that I completely dismissed over the past years, but that I'm probably willing to give a try now.
I think my problem is that when I get urges to cut, I'm normally in self destruct mode, and I don't want to not do it, if that makes any sense! When I'm in that mode I just tend to get very drunk, think about everything I avoid thinking about normally, and end up cutting. But at the same time I just don't care! There's not much logic to it.
Everyone says - just don't drink/get drunk, but it's not that simple, I feel like, if I never got drunk, everything would build up and up, and I don't know what would happen - getting drunk and cutting is my release, NOT the cause!
could you destruct something else instead of yourself?... shred up newspaper, get some chalk and scribble all over the driveway, get a punching bag/ kick boxing pole thing and do some of that (even maybe try a class, might be a good way to let of steam on a regular basis), do something tiring, like sprinting for as long as you can....
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
