Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - i dont understand -may also trigger bullying
I dont understand anymore - i had counselling today and he told me that i wasnt a bad person -i dont get it? i thought i was bad and thats why the abuse and bullying took place right? i mean if im an "ok" person surely they wouldnt have done it- the bullying and abuse? why do i feel guilty for their actions? What did i do to deserve it? is it because im weak -im so lost and confused now, i just want to end it get rid of the tears and pain, get rid of the emptyness, the guilt -be free be free of everything. I dont know maybe ending it would be good. Sorry i dont know what else to say or where to put it. Its weid i thought i was over it but clearly not, this sucks but im used to it so ill get to accept my badness again soon.
Last edited by *Fading_existence* : 14-02-2008 at 08:28 PM.
Reason: added more
RYL Family
Rhapsodyinblue is my business partner
Avalanche is my best friend, Dancing Loony is my Niece
Queer Fringe is my god-daughter Hollz is my big sis, , Rainey is my sister,
bad things often happen to good people... I'm afraid karma rarely seems to work out.
they were the ones in the wrong not you. you were just the unfortunate one they chose to take out all their badness/anger/hurt/whatever on. that does not make you bad, nor weak.
my counsellor says this to me too, and while I guess it's inconceivable for us to believe it right now, I hope that with time we can see that it's true. It really wasn't your fault though; it's the fault of the people who did this to you.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
You were taken advantage of. It has absolutely nothing to do with who you are, and everything to do with who your attacker/s are.
The ABUSER is bad, not the victim.
I don't know why, but shame and guilt seem to be key emotions for the victims. Gets me, when the shame and guilt clearly lie with the abusers.
Please, hold on to the fact that you can, and will, survive this. You will rise above it and say 'no more' to being the victim. Whether your abuser/s are taken to task or not, you will 'pay them back' by surviving.
Your counsellor is correct with what they say. You are ok, a wonderful person, with as much right to love and be loved as anyone else on this earth.
Thank you for your replies, i hope i can see what your saying and i think one day it is possible -i just have so much guilt its not fair i hate it why cant the abuser/bullies have it?
RYL Family
Rhapsodyinblue is my business partner
Avalanche is my best friend, Dancing Loony is my Niece
Queer Fringe is my god-daughter Hollz is my big sis, , Rainey is my sister,
I believe they probably do, but deny it, unless of course they are barbarians. If they don't feel guilt and shame now, they will one day. Maybe not in this lifetime, possibly not in the next, but they will take responsibility for what they have done one day.....
Perhaps, Life'scrap, exploring 'guilt' may be of benefit to you. You may feel such extreme guilt because you have been taught to feel guilty by your role models. It can be an automatic reaction if it has been drilled into you thru childhood...?
I dont feel angry towards the abuser - i just dont understand why he did it and why he still bullies me. I am a bit bitter towards them for how i am now, but im pretty much there in accepting it happened and i cant change it but it still impacts my life today.
I guess so, i can see where your coming from there because i have seen others who i look up to feel guilty and so maybe i do when i havent even done anything.
RYL Family
Rhapsodyinblue is my business partner
Avalanche is my best friend, Dancing Loony is my Niece
Queer Fringe is my god-daughter Hollz is my big sis, , Rainey is my sister,
Bullies and abusers want power, they don't see the target as good or bad, just someone who might be vulnerable and feed their greedy minds by making them feel powerless, so they, the bullies, can have all the power.
And guilt, though it is misplaced, is common in trauma survivors.
I had a dream about the bullying last night it was so vivid and real, i woke up and was almost in tears. It was so real - they were all there -i remember their names, what each of them did to me, how it happened, me trying to defend myself and hide from them. It was horrible i havent got it out of my head all day it was so horrible i hated it -it wont go - i want to forget it but i cant :( i hate remembering what they did to me.
RYL Family
Rhapsodyinblue is my business partner
Avalanche is my best friend, Dancing Loony is my Niece
Queer Fringe is my god-daughter Hollz is my big sis, , Rainey is my sister,
I had a dream about the bullying last night it was so vivid and real, i woke up and was almost in tears. It was so real - they were all there -i remember their names, what each of them did to me, how it happened, me trying to defend myself and hide from them. It was horrible i havent got it out of my head all day it was so horrible i hated it -it wont go - i want to forget it but i cant :( i hate remembering what they did to me.
Why don't you try writing it down? If you really want to exorcise the dream then burn the paper you write it on and imagine the dream floating up the chimney. Try it.
