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Old 03-01-2015, 02:51 AM   #21
Auror.
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Really struggling to at the very least not self harm.

I had lunch today with a PhD student who studies glacial geology (what I want to study in uni), that my friend A told me to get in touch with. She was very kind and gave me a binder of information to read, and wants me to work with her on a project she is starting. She wants me to come into campus at 11am Monday to help her get started on things.

That should be a good thing but I don't think I can do it. School starts the week after and it's all too much when I should be dead. I don't know.

This is why I should have done it already like I was supposed to. I'm ****ing up.



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Old 03-01-2015, 03:24 AM   #22
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I just went downstairs to ask my neighbor to please turn their music down. On the second level my floor was vibrating and I could feel the walls vibrating on the third floor. This happens all the time and makes me panic and I rarely complain. Yet this is the second time when I have said something they have laughed at me. As long as they turn it down I don't care, and I am sure they would rather me say something in person than call the police. I can't keep complaining or say anything to the rental company because if I did they could tell them I have a dog, which I am not allowed to have.

Why am I not dead?



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Old 03-01-2015, 07:05 AM   #23
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Tripped over the dog and woke her up... Multiple friends have been in hospital recently and trying to be supportive but failing at that massively. Tyler still won't talk to me and had a massive argument with Justin. A is out of town doing field work until school starts.

There is nobody to trust and nobody to tell. Good thing everything is fine. Perfectly fine to need to be dead. I don't know why I am still posting. Probably for attention. Sorry for wasting your time if you've read any of this.



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Old 03-01-2015, 03:44 PM   #24
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I'm sorry things are so difficult. Why is Tyler not talking to you? Are you able to try to make up with Justin?

In terms of the noisy neighbours, I would maybe send them a note referencing the relevant laws and letting them know that you will be left with no choice but to report them to the police next time they make such a racket.

You definitely don't need to be dead. Could you maybe have a look through the binder that the PhD person gave you so you can see if assisting her in her project will be feasible? It might be something good to aim for, if you think you can fit it in around school.



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Old 04-01-2015, 01:10 AM   #25
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I'm reading and I care.

You don't need to be dead, there's no reason you do. Please keep fighting. Xx

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Old 04-01-2015, 06:58 AM   #26
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Tyler hasn't talked to me in months now do I've no idea why. He just keeps ignoring my emails and calls and texts. Justin talks to him and sees him but refuses to speak to him on my behalf and gets mad if I ask if he is ok. Justin is currently angry for a different reason and I'm just going to leave him alone. He clearly doesn't want to deal with me either.

I can't do anything to my neighbor even though technically pointing out to the rental company that they smoke weed every day and it makes my front hallway smell so strongly I have had my visitors complain would in theory get them kicked out. They could retaliate and tell them about my dog, whom I should not have. I should be paying a pet fee and that aside my dog is above the weight limit and her breed is banned. My hands are essentially tied. And yet if I see the neighbor outside we will say hi and chat on occasion. I don't get it.

Phd student has said she can teach me anything I'd need to know. This is a side project for her, aside from her thesis work and she is totally in charge. The prep work I can help with once he shows me how, and I understand he gist of the project and info she gave me. The only thing I wouldn't know is how to prepare the core or how to use the mass spectrometer. She doesn't know either and the professor whose lab we would be using is teaching her once the semester starts, so I would just be there and learn also.


My brain is broken and its clearly not going to be fixed. I don't even know the last time things were real. I'm lost somewhere and I'm pretty sure the only way out is being dead.



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Old 04-01-2015, 01:16 PM   #27
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What evidence do you have that you need to be dead?

The work with the PhD student sounds positive. If anything it's a reason to be alive.

Please try and stay safe. I'm glad you're still posting here but I'm still worried about you.

What measures, honestly, can you take to avoid you seriously hurting or potentially killing yourself? I think it would be a good time to brainstorm these. I don't want to lose you.

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Old 04-01-2015, 11:46 PM   #28
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I can't think of anything. If I get rid of tools or pills then I would have to buy more and that is a waste f money when I already have them.

Dog somehow got out of the crate while I was gone and made a mess. the only two things she actually chewed and ruined were wooden things that I really can't replace as I got them on on trips out of the country, and she broke some blinds. She was cowering and hiding in the crate so knew she was wrong and I have no clue how to punish her when she is acting like I am going to hurt her and already knows she was in he wrong. I don't even know how she got out.

I'm clearly **** at this. I don't even think I should be home to begin with as I am likely to do something but I clearly can't leave the dog alone. I don't know why as when she is at my moms she is fine being out of the crate.

Sorry for not responding properly.



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Old 09-01-2015, 08:20 AM   #29
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Sorry I didn't reply. How are you doing?

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Old 09-01-2015, 08:51 AM   #30
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things are ****. unsure why i have not killed myself yet especially given lyra now has a plan in place of somewhere to go.



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Old 09-01-2015, 09:52 AM   #31
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Why is Lyra going somewhere?

Why do you think you are still alive? I'm glad you are. I got your letter, it was really nice. I'm scared to write back in case you harm yourself and people say I should have stopped you. Obviously I want to stop you! Because I believe things will get better for you. I'm working on a letter now. Keep fighting on x

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Old 10-01-2015, 01:18 AM   #32
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She's registered with a doggie daycare and boarding place and can go there anytime, 24/7. Plus I have Justin and my friend A willing to take care of her and get her there in case of emergency.

I am glad you got my letter!! I wondered how long it would take :)



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Old 10-01-2015, 04:56 AM   #33
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Well I'm glad you're at least looking after her with a plan. What about a plan for you?

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Old 10-01-2015, 05:08 AM   #34
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Trying not to do anything. Struggling. That's as much of a plan as I've got.



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Old 10-01-2015, 08:35 AM   #35
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I'm glad you're trying not to do anything Carmen x

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Old 10-01-2015, 10:25 AM   #36
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I'm also glad you're here and still trying.



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Old 10-01-2015, 01:08 PM   #37
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I'm another person who is glad that you're still here and fighting.



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Old 10-01-2015, 08:19 PM   #38
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I don't know. I'm not. I am really struggling and I know something will have to happen fairly soon but I don't know how to stop it and nobody knows either. I am aware it is my own fault.



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Old 11-01-2015, 01:28 AM   #39
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stupidly overwhelmed. school starts again monday and professors are just now announcing textbooks and expecting we have them to do coursework this week. only i checked amazon for one, which is where they said and it's not even in stock to ship until tuesday.

i signed up for 6 classes with the intention of dropping 2 and taking 4, but now i think i should probably take all of them. i am so behind that i am likely going to need another year to graduate so that means 5 years total because of having to withdrawal from the last two semesters.

but the amount of coursework they are all requiring looks stupid and overwhelming and clearly being dead makes more sense than schoolwork.



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Old 11-01-2015, 02:45 AM   #40
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the dog has not eaten or drank anything today and has had no interest. she has just been sleeping on the couch and really doesn't want to play. i've done something to her and if she dies it's my fault. i don't know what is wrong.



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