i need encouragement *SI/ED/OD/sexual abuse trigger* contains swearing

[_Cadence_]

hey, today has been a really long day. i don't even really know why, i've just been terribly on edge- i keep holding my breath for no reason- i don't mean to, i'm just stressed i guess. i'm so exhausted- i wish i could break down and cry, but it wouldn't solve anything, and my roommate could come back at any moment. she's angry at me and i have no idea why. it could be because i'm not as organized as her, but when she told me that it bothered her, i cleaned up my side of the room and i've been trying to keep it reasonably clean- or maybe because when she plays her music i usually leave- i feel bad, but i really dislike her music- it makes me more stressed out.

i went shopping today to return something and my mom called me while i was out. do you wanna know how ****ed up i am? i wanted to self harm when she told me i should do something nice for myself! i'm hopeless. i felt trapped again. she said that because i got a 96% on a history test- i was trying to explain how i felt about that and she interrupted me, it didn't matter what i thought about my own grade, it was what she thought about it, and based on what she thought she told me what i should do because of it- i know she was just trying to be nice- i wish i wasn't so ****ed up. it reminded me of having no control over my life. it reminded me of not being able to control what happened to my body- the doctors took that away, it reminded me of not being able to control what my mom did to herself, it reminded me of not being able to keep my family from fighting all the time anymore, of my dad not listening to me and not trusting me at all while he said he did- and, this is how ****ed up i am- thinking of my dad reminded me of his voice and the little mannerisms he had, and how he always was clearing his throat or sniffling- this is how ****ed up i am- that always reminds me of being sexually abused- i was ****ing thirteen years old! it was six years ago! it shouldn't ****ing matter! but it does. and it always has since then. i can't stand being around my dad because of it. i'm disgusting, i know, but it's true. i think it is because the guy who abused me had no respect for me just as my dad has no respect for me, and i didn't wanna face the way i felt around my dad then, so i ignored it, thus making it worse. maybe i'm wrong about that. i don't know. but everytime someone sniffs or coughs or does ****ing anything like that i feel him touching me again. it wasn't even that bad, he just made me watch him- and touch him a little and let him touch me a little- it wasn't bad compared to what a lot of people here have gone through- i feel like horrible for even wasting peoples time writing this- others deserve it more! but i don't know what else to do now- i'm so ****ing tired of this- but it doesn't matter, i know i deserve all of it- i shouldn't expect more. i must be evil for ever associating my abuser with my dad.

anyway, when my mom told me this, i wanted to SI so bad- and i had been proud of myself for leaving without my tools. i bought a shirt because it came with something that i could use to SI and i spent about 30 minutes in the bathroom, then i bought a huge energy drink because they make me sick and i bought some over the counter meds and OD'd a little- not too much, i don't even have enough self control to make myself take much. and of course i was at the mall so there were tons of pictures of beautiful models- i purposely triggered myself- i don't wanna eat, i'm not gonna eat, i'm so ****in fat! i'm a pig. i can't believe i've let this happen. and please don't tell me that i'm not fat because i spent a year binging and i am fat now. i don't have enough self control anymore to starve myself for very long now. i can't believe how pathetic i am.

and my OCD is getting bad again cause i'm on an antidepressant. when i'm less apathetic about life my OCD gets worse. (and now my roommate's back- i wish i didn't have to deal with this) i'm trying so hard- but i'm failing. i'm not nearly at my lowest, not even close, but that's part of the problem, when it looks like there's hope my perfectionist tendencies kick in. mainly my OCD- everything becomes impossible- and now i'm not eating as much- i don't know what's gonna happen with that. i'm eating enough now- i went for a few weeks without eating much at all- but i'm still losing weight (which is a good thing- i really do need to lose weight before i go home)

i'm sorry if you actually read all that. i know it's pointless. i just really need some encouragement. hugs would be greatly appreciated!!!!! thank you!

i'm really sorry if this is in the wrong forum. i read the guidelines but i still wasn't completely sure. i think it's supposed to be here.

[Harley]

You are most certainly not disgusting - don't ever let any thoughts of anything that has happened make you believe that...it simply isn't true.

Things aren't going great for you clearly, but it seems like you are already trying hard to hold your head up high - and that is a good thing

I wish you the best of luck with things :) keep us posted


Harley

[Mek]

It seems like you are having a rough time. A rough patch that I am sure you will overcome. Look at all the obsticles you have overcome that shows some resilience. Im sorry that your mother wouldnt let you have your own feelings about the mark you received. Im sorry that your father reminds you of your abusier, that has to be difficult to deal with. I hope that you will be alright. Huggles pm me if you ever want to talk.
Peace and Love <3
Mek

[_Cadence_]

Thank you so much for the encouragement!

[Belt]

I read that all. I'm so sorry I'm like uncapable of a decent reply tonight-so triggered!-But I think everything you said there, about you being ****ed up? It isn't true! You're not. You're just trying to deal with life & It doesn't matter that the abuse was six years ago-it never matters-it's still sexual abuse. It's...hard to 'get over' & I understand how you're relating it to your Dad mannerisms-I do that too, not my Dad-but my best friend! Keep us informed please-so I can actually help next time!

You can do this, I believe in you.

Robyn x

[Mandimoo]

*warning - long reply* **trigger for ED, SI, Sexual Abuse**
I have been abused and raped (by different people) and suffered from bulimia for about 6months before progressing to SI. It is hard to change how you feel. sometimes i think the pressure to conform makes it harder for you and stresses you out and makes SI and OCD tendancies more frequent. But when you get out of the circle of lying, covering up and being secretive, some of those pressures drop off. like they were just make believe.

When I gave up SI I found that I stopped lying, stopped covering up and opened my eyes and ears to support and advice. *cuddles* I also found that instead of letting off steam in a negative way (sexual because I deserved to be a slut, right??) and started on poetry (my year 10 teacher got a surprise during the poetry module GCSE) I found it to be an excellent release and my view of myself improved. I made friends more easily and made the right sort of friends rather than the drug taking, underage drinking community I had been involved in.

Do you feel a bit like you can't get a word in edgeways? Maybe send your mom a text or letter that way you can get you're point across. sometimes (im terrible at listening to others....talk too much myself!) it can help to let the over-talker have their say (decide how long the call will be before you make it) so say let them talk for 5mins of the call. then tell them (sometimes text beforehand to prepare them) it's my turn to talk now. I need to talk to you about something but I haven't started yet. then have your say and leave 5mins at the end to round up and let the other person give you their opinion on the subject.

that way you both get your say.

or texting is good. you get to say what you want when you want. no interuptions. *hugs* hope i helped, mand x

pm me if you want to chat, my online ears (and pm box) is always open.