Struggling not to cut again.

[The Queen of Peace]

I haven't really cut this year. Like, I have cut a few times but they've been really superficial because I'm out of the habit and/or I just needed a quick relief from stress in my life.

The urges lately have been so strong though and I so don't want to do it again, but the concept of never doing it ever again frightens the life out of me. And I feel like it's just me against time, like, it's going to happen sooner or later, so why not now?

I'm kind of sad that the scars are fading. Is that weird?

I'm sorry this is so rambly. I guess I'm just scared to cut, scared to not cut, I feel so alone in all this, like there's nobody who understands.

I understand totally that torn feeling I get that all the time
I'm sorry I don't have any other words just wanted to let u know I understand n ur not on ur own x

[BridgesAndBalloons]

I totally understand that feeling.

I would get quite distressed when my scars would fade, and the thought of never self harming again terrified me, even though I desperately wanted to stop self harming, it was all pretty confusing and scary. Personally, I've found not self harming was easier once I'd built up more healthy coping mechanisms.

Has anything changed in your life recently to trigger these more recent urges you're having? Sometimes dealing with what the trigger was makes it easier to resist urges.

I'm glad you were able to reach out here, I'm sure there are people around who have felt/are feeling how you are, so you're not alone. I'm sure lots of people can relate to what you're going through. Take gentle care of yourself :)

[wi-nter]

I so know how you feel *hug*

I have been trying to recover too and it is SO hard and like you I do it but not really?! it's dumb but it helps me so much. And I don't know why I can't stop thinking about it. it's such a vicious circle and that scares me to an extent I am not able to explain because right now I can't see myself ever REALLY stopping. It has worked too well for me in the past :(

but can you maybe think of reasons not to give into the urges? like maybe something you can do to distract yourself? Or people who you do not want to disappoint and just think 'I don't cut myself today because I love that person and they wouldn't want this.'

i hope you feel better soon <3 stay strong

[LionCondemned]

Hey Gracious,

Do you have any distractions that work well for you?

i get the feeling that it's sad when scars fade, they are like a part of you and can contain some pretty deep memories so its understandable that you dont want them to go.

[The Queen of Peace]

I'm happy to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way (although it makes me sad that you guys do too, it's not nice to put it lightly).

Anyway, thank-you everyone. I appreciate so many replies is such a short space of time.

I'm not sure why the urges have gotten worse. I guess it's been quite a while now, and also I've had a lot of exam stress and I called my dad for the first time in two years recently and he was just the ******** he always was. It hurt me a lot. I finished therapy recently with my best ever therapist as well. Hmm, now I come to think of it, there are a lot of things on my mind.

I sat my last exam today and totally f***ed it up which has essentially ruined one of my grades, and grades mean EVERYTHING to me so it's not something I can just get over. So that's triggered the hell out of me.

This girl who used to be my best friend is bullying me terribly and it's making my life hell. She makes me want to hurt myself, kill myself, and hurt and kill other people. It sounds screwed up but it just has such a bad effect on me, she's hurt me so much. Her boyfriend called me a 'caterpillar-faced c***' this morning as well which got to me because I don't care what they think of my personality, it's a compliment to be insulted by such low-lives (lots of drugs and dealing and no job and income support), but to insult the way I look gets to me so so so badly, I can't take that. I'm so insecure about the way I look already. I know I'm ugly and fat, I don't need them telling me. And what's it got to do with the fact that they don't like me anyway? What I look like does not define me as a person.

I'm sorry. I just needed this vent.

I am having a really rough time, I want to cut the hell out of myself right now. (Just to be clear, I am not condoning that cutting is a thing that should be done or is good etc.) But then all of that time free will be for what?

[talaiporia]

One of the problems I've seen mentioned before, that I can sympathise with, is that when you cut after a long break it is often rather disappointing; it never seems to be as good as you remember it, and in a way it tends to lose its charm.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Is there anyone you can talk to about any of this? It sounds like a lot of it is very bottled up at the moment.

[wi-nter]

I have experience with having toxic people in my life too and I can just tell you that it is best to leave them behind though I know it hurts and it won't be easy. But I can tell you have so much going on that bad influence from the outside is even worse. try to surround yourself with people who care and make your life better.
the school work part I understand even though I can't relate because my 'idgaf' attitude has worked way too well for me and I always think that grades do not represent my knowledge on life. do you maybe have a counselor at school that can help? they usually have someone who can help your with your academical anxiety. that might be a good thing for you??

I HOPE you feel better soon and can repress those urges and find something positive. Stay safe <3

[The Queen of Peace]

How do I know who the good people are, the people that make me feel better and care for me? Because I've been fooled into thinking people care time and time again and it's been some kind of massive joke in the end.

As for school, well I've finished now so there's nobody I can talk to. I can only wait for results now. I think I will do counselling or something when I start university though, I reckon I'll need it so I don't get too overwhelmed.

I feel like I've lost the ability to talk about how I feel. I try and try and try and nothing is helping me, I'm stuck in a rut again of bottling it all up and not knowing how the hell I'm supposed to cope.

I'm sorry I'm so moany. I just feel so lost at the moment. I said to my boyfriend that I should try to right down ways that I can start to love myself again. But how is it possible to love myself when I am the definition of a bad person?

[wi-nter]

I am very cautious with letting people into my life and whenever i hang out with someone I can usually tell if they are a decent friend or just wasting my time. Sometimes it's just small things like telling them I am really tired atm and having a hard time and then they are really sympathatic about it or are really not. I also am a very punctual person so if someone isn't punctual ever I know they just don't care about me that much because no one is ALWAYS late.

I hope you can get some help at university. They have people there for sure. when do you start?

I understand feeling lost. Isn't it great to have a boyfriend at your side though who you can talk to and who can maybe calm you down? do you guys do stuff together can help you stop being triggered? maybe you can find a way to work something out with him that can help him identify when you are feeling down and can distract you???

what makes you think you are a bad person?

[The Queen of Peace]

I start university in early October but I haven't declared my history of MH problems to them (which I kind of regret now) so I have to do that so that they can get me in touch with appropriate services but I hate doing it, I find it so embarrassing. And I'm avoiding doing it because my uni is only a conditional offer so I'll need AAA to get in, and if I don't, I've just wasted all of my energy worrying about it. So I'm going to wait until results day anyway (mid August).

My boyfriend is absolutely wonderful, I couldn't ask for better support. It's just, we're in a long distance relationship and that can be really painful because it means we don't get to see each other that much. And when I just want him to hold me and tell me it's all going to be OK, the best I get is a phone call which sometimes just makes things worse because I miss him more. He's great though, and he's always around for a chat if I need him so I am really grateful for that.

I am a bad person. There's no thinking about it. I just make every wrong decision, I'm selfish, I'm lazy, I screw up all my relationships and I'm rude. I deserve punishment.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Triggering?

I haven't SHed in a while as I said, and I tried the other day and the blade just wouldn't penetrate my skin, I couldn't bring myself to do it. And that made me feel like even more of a failure because I'm too effing selfish to even put the blade into my skin to punish myself for being so terrible.

I can't remember what it's like to like myself.