I have been in bed all day.
I have been so anxious and it's just been made worse by a teenager in the hostel having a fight with someone outside the window. Every fucking night there is drama and the whole house stinks of weed. I can't tell anyone though as they know I'm the only one who doesn't smoke it so I'm the most likely to fob them in.
I'm really struggling to deal with all of this but we will see what crisis team have to say tomorrow.
I have lost everything and I don't even know where to begin or if I can begin again.
It's 3am and the bloody teenager has a group of mates around drinking and taking drugs, running up and down the stairs.
Guests are meant to leave by 10pm and drink and drugs are not allowed on the premises.
The council said they do checks but it's been a week and there hasn't been one.
Yet again, I can't sleep. My anxiety is through the roof and I am struggling to stay safe.
I'm sorry you were stuck living with these people.
Sadly, in places like this people often just habitually break the rules.
Do you have any medication to help you sleep? Is there something relaxing you can think of that could help you with anxiety? Do you think you could use some relaxation techniques, like breating exercises or guided imagery? Can you imagine something beautiful and relaxing, and just focus on the image?
I know what that sort of accommodation can be like and I'm so sorry you are having to deal with it. Unfortunately my only advice (in the short term) is make sure you lock your door, keep your head down, and maybe use headphones to at least block out the noise of the others. I would also emphasis to the crisis team how difficult this living situation is and the impact it is having on your mental health. Perhaps you could inquire about Supported Accommodation? That's what I went into after the homeless accommodation.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Thank you both for your replies.
I haven't slept at all and so I feel utterly broken and exhausted.
Crisis team have just been and I told them but they didn't say much, just that they want to discharge me back to community team and waiting to hear back from my CPN.
They told me to just go and buy food.
I don't think it will be physically possible for me to walk to the shop at the moment partly due to lack of food and partly due to anxiety and terrible shaking which diazepam is not helping.
I feel so hopeless.
Crisis team didn't say when they would be out again and I wouldn't be surprised if they call to say they are discharging me later. My CPN won't be in til next Monday after today so there would be no support in place for the next few days if that was to happen and I doubt I would call crisis team again if I thought I was going to harm myself.
If only I knew how to make those first steps to get out of this mess, I would do it but I don't know where to start.
It's all such a mess and it's so hard.
It hurts.
And just when you think things can't get any worse, the guy downstairs beat his girlfriend up and then started cutting his arms in front of us. He did a runner when we called the police and the council. There is blood everywhere and I've had terrible flashbacks. I'm waiting to give a statement to the police. I can't stop shaking.
Police have gone now.
Blood has all been cleared up.
And I'm so tired but I'm tortured by flashbacks.
And he has been detained on a 135 because he self harm d but he beat her before he did that.
I'm angry.
I'm traumatised.
I can't deal with this.
I can't sleep and I can't calm down.
He isn't allowed back here but it's not like he will go on the streets because he 'selfharmed'.
I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't judge.
But I have been here and I have heard and seen it all.
I would never hurt someone because it said I could.
I am sorry, I may be just little red riding hood to some but more to others.
Goodnight and god bless.
I don't know what happened last night. I don't remember writing the post and my friend said I was literally talking and not making any sense. I have no recollection of what happened, just woke up at 3am feeling horrendous. I think I had a seizure.
I haven't made it out of bed today.
I have just laid here staring at the ceiling.
Crisis team didn't show up, they said they were going to bring my meds but they didn't. I have no idea when they are coming next or if they even are.
Yeah I have a neurology appointment next week to find out the results from my EEG. I'm hoping if I just stay in bed, I should be ok. I apparently spoke to my dad last night too, I told him I remember nothing. He said it's probably because I'm not eating but I think it's a mixture of things as I've been so stressed and highly anxious.
Crisis team are asking for a MHA to get me sectioned.
I don't get it, I don't get what it's going to achieve when last time I was discharged after 17hours (ok I did go in voluntarily). The psych there is the psych for most of my county and he doesn't think I should be in IP so what is the point in admitting me?
I know I'm going backwards, I know I'm slowly killing myself but I cannot see a way forward.
And I'm drowning my sorrows to try and dull this pain.
FML.
Tbh would an admission really be so terrible, when you are struggling so much? It also might help speed up moving from where you are to more suitable supported or other accommodation.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
I may benefit from hospital if I was in for longer than 17hours. I know I need a med change because my current ones are not working and I know I need to find structure because I have none. But the head psych doesn't give me the time of day because of my EUPD diagnosis. Even though I haven't been eating, I'm not underweight so I can't get ED help either so I will just be discharged and there is no support in the community here.
I know I am going to die but I can't trust anyone anymore.
