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Old 04-05-2009, 10:20 PM   #1
farawayfairy
 
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Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - my fault

I didn't say no. I let him. It wasn't his fault, it was mine because he didn't know I didn't want it. Unless those other flashbacks are true in which case he knew that I didn't like part of it. But I can't remember those things. They're just flashbacks. I might be sick enough to make them up. They might not be real. It's all my fault. I let him do it. I didn't say no or push him off. I let it happen. I'm a sick dirty disgusting slut. It wasn't even that bad. It shouldn't effect me. I told my mum yesterday that I was struggling and having flashbacks about what happened that night although she doesn't know exactly what happened. She seemed to think there was nothing wrong with that and I was just being pathetic because she said she could remember several 'embarrassing times' in her younger years. She doesn't know what happened. It wasn't embarrassing, just disgusting. Yes I feel ashamed of more recent stuff but that was consensual and I think that would be what she was thinking of but arrrrrrrgh I don't know. Stop stop stop. I hate my head. I hate the feelings. I hate the images. Stop no no no. I wanted to say no! I wanted to why didn't I? No no no no no.

Can't do this.

Disgusting.

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Old 04-05-2009, 10:39 PM   #2
Damaged...
 

hun well done for getting it out
seriously well done
i know how hard it was for you
i wish i could help you more
but i dont know how
all i can say is you know where i am if you need anything
stay safe hunni
x

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Old 05-05-2009, 06:47 PM   #3
bobbiwibble
Just find the time and reach for the bright side
 
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honey men should be able to tell whether a girl is enjoying herself, so there isnt really any excuse. it isnt your fault for not saying no - none of it is your fault, and thats the truth. it is NEVER your fault. well done for telling your mum, and im sorry she didnt really understand.
what happened to you isnt the important part here, theres no need to quibble with details. you are hurting because of what happened, and that means you need and deserve help. do you have a therapist or counsellor or anybody like that who you could talk to?



heliotrope-lavender-candytuft-tulip-almond blossom-sycamore



Where do you turn when the night turns to singing
such sweet melodies and you flash your fin
then it's back to the depths where I cannot see you
but I built these towers just to honour you.....


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Old 05-05-2009, 11:01 PM   #4
farawayfairy
 
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I'm having CBT at the moment and it was my psychologist who does that with me who I told about this stuff a couple of weeks ago. We've both decided it wouldn't be a good idea to do work on it now as she's going on maternity leave in a month but if I want she said she'd refer me to a specialist PTSD place for October. I feel bad about that though because I feel like what happened doesn't 'qualify' to have PTSD as it wasn't 'that bad'. I can't seem to see how it couldn't have been my fault. It's also really getting to me that I can't remember it properly and I don't know whether some of my flashbacks are real or not. My psychologist also seemed to think there's other things that I can't remember either related to this or my childhood from some other things I've told her but I've got no idea. It's scary.

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Old 05-05-2009, 11:08 PM   #5
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hun it was not you fault i promise you and i dont make promises often.

i think it would be good for you to have some PTSD my psychs sending me for some for the 22nd so i can tell you what its like if youd want to know before you go.

hun whether or not the flashbacks are real they still effect you and thats what matter the fact that they are effecting you in a bad way and only you can know if they are real but hun dont dwell on whether or not they are real because the fact of the matter is they hurt you and thats what you need to try and sort out with your psych and the place shes reffering you too.

i wish i had more comforting words for you but i dont and im sorry i dont because you deserve so much more because you are totally amazing and a brilliant person and i love being able to class you as a friend even if it is just on here but still you are amazing and you deserve more than this.

it wasnt your fault hun.

you know where my PM box is if you need anything at all even if (as ive said to katy) its just someone to talk about stupid things like we've been doing in our PMs or even the weather im starting to like the whether maybe i should become a weather person.

stay safe hun.

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Old 05-05-2009, 11:20 PM   #6
farawayfairy
 
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yes please, if you could let me know how it goes at the PTSD place thing that would be good. I'm really unsure what I want to do about it at the moment but I know it would probably be a good idea to talk about it. I'm just confused because I'm being offered lots of help and not sure what to take - my mum said I could get psychotherapy privately in the Autumn if I wanted, my doctor wants me to see the psychiatrist and refer me to the CMHT (though I've said no) and my psychologist is offering this PTSD place and I'm just confused and feel like I don't deserve the support. I know you'll say that I do but it's so hard to believe that when I don't feel like it.

To be honest, I'm not sure whether I want to know whether some of the flashbacks are real or not. If they are real then *shudders* no don't want them to be. If they're not then I feel like that makes me a sick disgusting person for making those things up. Maybe it's best left not knowing, I don't know.

Thanks for the hugs =]

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Old 05-05-2009, 11:23 PM   #7
Damaged...
 

i'll let you know hunni and heres some more hugs

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*safe hugs*

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