Contains abuse - Trying to fix myself.

[ajrocks]

I'm trying desperately to do this, all without professional support which me and everyone around me knows I need but I can't get right now-not for want of trying.
I don't think its going so well
I don't know how to change things-I just want the nightmares to stop,the flashbacks,the fact that i'm so on edge every time I come into contact with males etc.
I feel like a child 90% of the time though I do manage to hide it well at work-I work in a school so that always helps!
Its just torture really and I want it all to go away but I can't.
I've been reading stuff that should in theory be helpful but I don't know if it is helpful doing it alone i'm not sure if it makes my head more messed up cause I don't know how to process things in the intended way without always going back to the fact I feel like it was all my fault.
I'm sorry I don't really know why I wrote this just needed to get that out I suppose,hope it makes sense.

[Patent Pending]

Hey lovely,

While I think it's really brave trying to do this on your own and I admire you for trying, I would really suggest you access professional help.

I tried to 'fix' myself and all it did was tie me up in knots and possibly do more damage than good.

I hope exploring these things here helps you a little.

x x x

[ajrocks]

Thankyou Patent Pending for your reply
And thankyou Littlecloud for your hugs.
I just don't know what to do I have no support because I can't get professional support, they have cut all their budgets so I can't see anyone for another year! (that is how long the waiting lists are here).
Everyone is in the same boat here its awful.
I am with MIND but they can't offer me the support I need and their is noone else that i haven't tried or that my friends haven't looked up for me as well
I have no alternative but to try to pull myself through this **** again.I feel so alone even though i'm surrounded by lovely people.
I had another panic attack/flashback at work the other day because i was put into a situation where i was in a room on my own with 2 men with the door closed and a child (i work in a school) and fortunately my colleague realised and came to take over from me so i went and found my other colleague-couldn't even speak as i was having a bad flashback all i could do was hold onto her until it had passed but she realised and waited patiently than i managed to say what had happened.I have all these patient people around me which i don't deserve at all trying to help me and i really want to pull it together and not keep leaning on them all the time but i can't seem to do this.I just want it all to go away
thanks for listening x

[whitecrow4]

Thank you.

I think that is the main issue I have, I mainly remember the loving side, but now have been told by 4 people that my memories of her may not be accurate. In a way I wish she was still alive so I could get her version of events.

I'm just really struggling with the anger at the moment, I don't really do anger and it's difficult.

I don't know really, I guess it is just because it could explain a lot of things about some of my issues now.