Attacked

[Harbour]

^ this a million times over.

all the other times this has happened to you you've had to go through it mostly alone. This time is different. We are all on your side. Always.

[Buttons.]

It is Not Your Fault.

[Unbreakable.]

Kiran said it very well.
It doesn't matter what choices you make, it is not on you to not be raped, it is on everyone else to not rape you.

[[Luna]]

Struggling with a range of emotions and disconnection and anxieties.
I'm at the GUM clinic and I feel so angry. So angry that he might have given me a STD. Angry I will have to keep going back and forth from this place.
Trying not to cry.

[Harbour]

<3. It's unlikely that he will have <3

You have every right to feel angry. Every right in the world. It's okay to cry love. This will get easier <3. It's much better to be angry at him then angry at you, he deserves the anger. Can you have a hug from J?

[[Luna]]

I'm just going to write stuff that's in my head if that's okay. I really do appreciate the responses and support.

Numb/disconnection: The incident feels like it's happened to someone else. I feel and disconnected from my body, like it no longer belongs to me.

Anger: I keep getting angry at things like song lyrics. I got angry at him for potentially giving me an STD and the fact I have to go back and forth from the GUM clinic and take the PEP drugs that wipe me out. I'm angry it's happened again. What is wrong with me that people keep wanting to hurt me? What have I done?

Anxiety/fear: Fear of seeing him again, fear of going to the shop, going down certain roads, police sirens, being alone in public. Anxiety about having baths/showers. Anxiety I may have an STD. Scared of going to court, for them to clarify what I already feel. It's all my fault.

Frustration: At myself for the stupid decisions I made. Feeling it was all my own stupid fault.

Concern: For others, especially the friend that was there with me that night. It's hit him really hard and he keeps blaming himself. I want to be there for him but want to give him space in case my being just reminds him of what's happened.

I feel so numb and then have sudden bursts of emotion. There's just so much running through my head and reactions to things I don't really expect. I'm humiliated and angry that this has happened again.

[Unbreakable.]

It is okay to feel all of that and be a little all over the place.
You are going through something very traumatic and healing will take a long time and a lot of hard work.

If a friend of yours had made the choices that you made and had been raped, would you think it was their fault?
Seriously, a person can decide to be dancing naked in the streets of a dodgy part of down and there is no way it would be their fault if someone raped them. There is no way on this planet that the person raped is responsible for it.

[Uglyducklin]

Thinking of you I'm so sorry that you have gone through this. I completely agree with la Ariana discotecha

[[Luna]]

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Update

The police called. They arrested the man and interviewed him. He said it was consensual which they said was to be expected. He's been released on bail with strict bail conditions. He has to go back in January.

I feel sick and angry and I want to scream and cry. I fucking hate him for what he's done. Not only to me but to my family and friends.
I told him I didn't want to do anything. I told him.
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just overwhelmed by rage and disgust and shock and I don't know.

For fuck sake!

[Unbreakable.]

Do you have any safe ways to let out the anger? You are allowed to express negative emotions.

It is good news they got him, but I can see how it is frustrating and intimidating to have him out on the streets.

[Buttons.]

Low on words but just wanted to say all your thoughts and feelings are completely valid. Remember you are Survivor.

[[Luna]]

Thank you <3

I feel sick with fear and anxiety. Last night I was woken up in the early hours and my head started going into overdrive.
I feel overwhelmed.
I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to cope but it is so hard.

[Harbour]

<3 could you prescribed sleep meds and some prn?

I know it's so hard, it's so hard <3.

[Unbreakable.]

Remember that struggling does not make you weak.

[[Luna]]

Thank you <3
Today has been a very difficult one, especially for J.
I went to group and was able to offload some of the things I've been feeling.
The doctor from the GUM clinic called to say my current blood test was normal apart from my liver function so they need to keep an eye on that and have more blood tests.

[havealittlefaith]

Hugs . Thinking of you. X

[Harbour]

<3 hope the further blood tests don't show anything untoward.

I'm glad group is somewhere you're able to offload feelings. Could J try local carer support groups?

[Buttons.]

Not to minimise the issue/any worry just to help reduce stress, the liver is an organ which can heal itself over time (I'm living proof :P) so please try not to worry too much.

[[Luna]]

Thank you for the reassurance, I'm sure it's nothing major but they want to keep an eye on it.

I have a dressing change today. I hoping it will be the last one and I finish my course of antibiotics so that's one less set of tablets to remember to take.
The HTT are supposed to be visiting later. They have been very kind and sensitive towards me and what's happened which I really appreciate. They keep telling me to take things slow and just take things a bit at a time which I'm trying to do. It difficult though when you just desperately want everything to go back to 'normal'.

I've emailed my uni tutor and she was supportive (although called me by the wrong name :P) so she's happy to grant an extension for my assignment that's due on the 24th if I need it. I can't even fathom how to start studying again.

Then there's gently trying to return to work.
and starting to go out alone (that is terrifying me by the way)
and J will be going back to work soon
and I emailed the DSA assessor about my situation and need to arrange a time when things settle.

Student finance.
Christmas (Oh god, Christmas...)
Feelings toward my body
Grounding
The police investigation

Keeping bloody volunteering for things in a desperate attempt of distraction.

I don't know how to do it all.

[Harbour]

This is quick thoughts while I'm on a train so sorry if it's jumbled!

Could you and J begin grading you being out alone. For example her meeting you 5 minutes away from where she is going to pick you up, and gradually build it up. I can totally 100% understand why it's terrifying, but I think maybe the longer you leave it the fear will get worse <3.

in terms of your body is this wanting to look like a completely new person or things you've struggled with before like binge eating?

If J is working on Sunday can you take some books to your parents and try studying for 20 minutes? Then if you can focus carrying on and if you can't leaving it and knowing you made a start?

You're doing really well love xx