Slipping again..

[BrokenButStillBreathing]

I've had depression for years. Literally.
When I was eleven I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and it kind of spiralled from there.
Actually, that's a lie, I remember my parents taking me to the doctors when I was ten because I spent all day lying on my bed crying and saying that I wish I were dead. (I'm 22 now)

Not really the point. Moving on.
The depression was more or less under control for ages - by that, I mean I pushed it away and ignored it. It got worse in my later teenage years, but that's kind of expected. I self-harmed to cope but that's not news.

Around two years ago I managed to quit self harm (with only the occasional slip up since then) and I thought I'd left the depression behind.
Of course it snuck up occasionally, but I could live with it and enjoy the moments when it wasn't weighing me down.

However last year I was pretty ill, landed up in hospital and had to have surgery on my lung. I can't say I dealt with it well, but I dealt with it eventually and got on with my life.. For a while.
I've be scared that something similar could happen again, and that fear's getting worse rather than better. Every time it hurts I panic (and that's pretty much every day).
I feel like it's dragging me under again, no matter how much I try to fight it and carry on with my life regardless.

I can't let it make me feel like this forever.

[Accidentally Abstract]

Hey.

I'm sorry you've began to struggle again recently & the whole ordeal with your lung sounds really stressful & hard to deal with.

Are you getting any therapy or anything at the moment to help you deal with things?

Well done for getting on with it for a while & trying to move on - that's not as easy to do as it may sound, so go you! :)

When you panic, could you try rationalising it in your head at all? Maybe tell yourself that nothing awful happened last time, so it won't this time, etc.? & on top of that distractions can be really helpful.

I'm sorry you're not doing so well at the moment & hope things improve again soon.

Take care. x

[Shenanigans]

Hi there,
I can relate to your post a lot. I suffered a similar experience with pneumonia and septic shock a couple of years ago, and have had panic attacks because I've had pain in my chest and I associate pain in my chest with that horrible situation. I get chest infections a lot because of it now and that doesn't help one bit.
As Accidentally Abstract asked, have you or are you receiving any help for how you're feeling? It sounds like you went through a very traumatic experience and it's ok to accept that it has had an effect on you. Perhaps you could look into speaking to someone about controlling these panics and dealing with the associations you have with this period in your life.
Personally, I've found that when I feel a pain/a triggering situation that makes me think of that awful time I go somewhere quiet and concentrate on my breathing to make sure it's nice and slow and calm. I take as much time as I need and try to focus my thoughts on logical things rather than emotional things. It sounds silly, but rather than going into a repetitive cycle of "omg it hurts, omg what am I going to do, I'm scared, I hate this" etc etc. I focus my thoughts on listing things that are true and right like "I live in Scotland, I am 24 years old, I am a girl, today is Monday." I find that if I focus on things that are true and not frightening or emotional I tend to calm down quicker. It's an idea maybe.
I hope you're doing ok.