I'm glad you're managing to have some safe foods, that's brilliant. Is there anything you could try to increase the variety in your diet a little bit again? You're doing so well to keep battling, you will get through this.
That is something I can definitely relate to with the ED - it definitely does make you lose sense of reality the further into it you get, and it makes you lose sense of who you are, and how much better your life would be without your ED. But it will be, there is so much more to life than this.
It really does sound like you need more intensive support at the moment. xx
Probably with the support but I don't really have the opportunity for it . I'm trying to go with different variations of safe foods when I can- different fruits and vegetables, different dried fruits etc. Not managed any of the sustagen this week though. I don't know though- I really feel lost at the moment- like this is really beyond me but I don't really have many options as there isn't any real treatment nearby and I can't afford to go away as I won't be able to work. I don't know
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks. I don't know. I don't know- the paranoid side says he'll never believe me. I've been trying so hard not to worry my partner and eating foods I'm much less than comfortable with and tonight if I could crawl out of my skin I would. I CAN'T deal with this. It is breaking me and I cannot keep up. I don't know what to do. I've noticed this week I'm a lot tireder and that the muscles in my arms are much smaller. Losing strength is dangerous in my job as I do a lot of manual handling but I feel disgusting and constantly angry with myself. I can't keep this up. It hurts too much.....
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Hey Alannah He will believe you. I also hate the crawl out of my skin feeling too.you are not disgusting and don't need to be angry with yourself you are lovely and give so much to others. Please let someone support you.
I don't know.Today I'm exhausted. Tried to get up early but just couldn't get the energy. Played two games of soccer on [removed on what] then worked. I've been working with a client who has Prada-Willi and as a result an obsession with food and manipulating people any way and any how to get it. It's been hugely triggering. Hopefully just one more morning for now...
I abuse [certain food] but I can't help myself. I don't even know how to approach that with my doctor or dietitian- that almost anytime I have a normal-size meal I overdose on things that make me ill . It scares me what I do, but I don't even know how to begin about stopping. I'll try Uglyduckling. It just feels so overwhelming. A friend suggested I need someone to hold me accountable to meals and I know they're probably right but I'm ****ing terrified.........
Last edited by Tig : 30-05-2014 at 06:09 PM.
Reason: Removed food lists.
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I think if you're really strugging like this playing soccer probably isn't a great idea at the moment. If you are going to, you really do need to try and eat more than that, you're putting your body at an awful lot of risk at the moment.
What's making you unsure of how to approach it with your doctor and dietician? It sounds like it would be really helpful if they knew at the moment, so that they can help you work towards a healthier meal plan.
It is very overwhelming, it's very frightening, and sometimes it feels like things can't get any worse. But you really do need some help at the moment. Is there anyone who can be accountable for your meals at the moment?
Yeah, I guess I know. I've done worse before but that doesn't make it right.
I guess with the doctor and dietitian I'm just really scared of exposing this because it's my security. I probably have to get blood tests done after next doctors visit so if I'm doing wrong likely I'll be sprung and I guess I know I will be. I also struggle with exposing my weaknesses so, but it's the only way to get help so I guess I'll have to. I don't know with meals- my partner and most of my friends know but alone I struggle a lot and tend to go for foods which are easy or tea. Choosing foods is hell and to be honest I've lost track of what my body really needs. I need to try make some kind of plan I can stick too- I might talk to my dietitian about it. I freaked out last visit with the sustagens though and haven't even managed half of what I should have. It scares me because i don't know what more they can do
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks. I've been working with a lady with Prada-Willi (obesity, constant feelings of hunger, manipulation to get food, manipulation and lies in general, intellectual disability) at work over the weekend. It's been intensely triggering and while I've had awesome staff to work alongside I can never say how hard it is with eating and me as I'm always hiding. Someone mentioned to me about having lost a lot of weight last week; another today about not needing to lose- it's all so awfully triggering and I slept 5hrs after getting home from work. Guess that's what comes of avoiding all meals but for small portions of dinner and living mostly on grapes. I see the dietitian Wednesday and I feel so guilty that I've done so poorly with the sustagen- the one thing she asked me to do. I feel so awful at the moment. I live in almost constant panic and I'm just writing so much crap I'm not doing anything about. Sorry
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Tomorrow I see the dietitian. I am useless; pathetic; I didn't even do the one thing I was supposed to do. I am a waste of time in this. I'm so scared- every second of everything except the things I should be scared of in this. I don't know
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Sending you lots of hugs. Try and be honest with the dietician, if what she asked of you proved too difficult can you suggest starting with something easier?
All she asked me to do was try sustagen- one pack per day in skim milk. Failure. I haven't even gotten through half. Thanks Fran, sorry. I don't feel like I should be posting here- it's not healthy in my head
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I don't know. I'm just exhausted. Really constantly exhausted and I know I'm the only one who can fix this but I don't know how
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Been trying to eat small regular meals- I discussed with the dietitian how best to keep my strength and stop from losing strength and muscle mass. I hate the feeling inside and wish I could make it go- I hate this..... don't know how I'll do tomorrow. Maybe if I stick to safer foods it'll feel better. I'm constantly exhausted at the moment... I feel filthy and exhausted. When I don't eat I'm still tired but don't use so much energy on anxiety when I don't eat.... I don't know... I can't win
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Trying to do what the dietician suggested with small meals (mostly just bits of whatever I'm comfortable eating at the time) but I feel so disgusting. Dirty. Eating feels like failure and the anxiety is awful... Sorry
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
That feeling is awful and I can very much relate, but I can promise you without a doubt that it does reduce in time.
Well done for trying to do what the dietician said, that's really brave of you when you're struggling this much. Eating is not failing - it is you fighting your eating disorder, and it's a very strong thing to do. What helps you to cope with that anxiety? I find things like distractions - board games or crossword puzzles helpful to cope with it, or it might sound silly but I have a bouncy ball that I throw and catch and play with after meal times because it keeps my hands busy and my mind distracted. Can you try some distraction techniques to help with your anxiety about it?
I know somewhere inside it's not failure... problem is I never feel I've gone deep enough. I don't know what will be deep enough.... Coping is better if I do something to distract during meals- reading, doing something on the computer, sewing even but it's still just that- even night is like tonight and I know I'll still have to fight the anxiety until I fall into sleep. I'm filthy and deserve nothing. I don't feel like I'm eating for myself so much of the time so what's the point. I see my doctor and psychologist this week and I feel like they'll never believe what goes on inside for what they'll see Sorry
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
. I'm trying to go with different variations of safe foods when I can- different fruits and vegetables, different dried fruits etc. Not managed any of the sustagen this week though. I don't know though- I really feel lost at the moment- like this is really beyond me but I don't really have many options as there isn't any real treatment nearby and I can't afford to go away as I won't be able to work. I don't know
. It scares me what I do, but I don't even know how to begin about stopping. I'll try Uglyduckling. It just feels so overwhelming. A friend suggested I need someone to hold me accountable to meals and I know they're probably right but I'm ****ing terrified.........
