back in hospital, hugs? [updated, need help please?]

[Revival]

thankyou guys, I am overwhelmed by all your support.

Had a pretty rough today, I stupidly asked my weight and it wasn't good so I've been feeling terrible because of that; then someone came into visit me and said "you've put on weight but that's good because you were too skinny before, you look healthy now"

My mind is twisting everything that he said, all I can think about is how fat I am, I feel like getting a knife and slicing all my fat off, I can't stand being in this skin anymore. I just don't want to be here anymore, I'm sorry that I can't fight it.

[[LittleMonster]]

I know how that feels hun, but that's just the ED saying you're fat. You're clearly not
You need to put weight on, your body needs to be healthy.
You can fight it, just don't let the ED win, try and keep positive.
Being underweight isn't good, it's called that for a reason
Keep strong darling
xx

[Buttercup.]

I totally understand the feeling, love. I wish I could give you a real hug!! I know that hearing "you've put on weight," or "you look healthy" can turn into negative feelings even though they were supposed to be a positive comment. I really do understand.

Keep strong, beautiful!

[GoldDustReturnz]

I know the last thing anyone wants to hear is you'e put on weight, whether its healthy or not, but you need to be healthy, Ally & Its a step forward that its beggining to look like its helping you & your beginning to look healthy, I know its scary & it feels like your losing control, but its just a bum of the road, when youve got your head around the fact its better to be healthy, its smoothen out & you can concentrate on other things to help you get better *cuddles*

I know the urges arent nice, but please, please, please be gentle with yourself right now, its difficult when someone mentions something & your ed can twist it into something negative, when really, its a step towards recovery.


<3

[nowhereman]

oh hun *big hugs* I know how hard it is when you hear a comment like that, but I'm sure it was said with the best of intentions. The ed will twist anything to make you ill again, please dont let it. you're so brave to be in hospital, I'm sorry I wasn't here for you sooner. please be ok love. x

[Revival]

thanks guys, I know I keep saying how much I appreciate it, but I really do <3

I just can't seem to get that number out of my head! Or what he said to me.
Then I feel bad because I know he didnt mean anything by it, but it still hurts and my head is playing havoc with it. I wish there was an off switch for my head.

I did manage to eat my breakfast this morning, and it was a little bit easier than it has been, so I guess that's something?

Sorry, just need hugs or something, I'm mentally and physically exhausted, just trying to hold on and keep fighting.

[Buttercup.]

*hugs forever*

I wish I had words right now to make things better. But just know that I'm thinking about you lots and I love you!

Keep fighting, girl.

[Revival]

Thanks Jess, love you too.

I'm trying so hard to think positive, but all I can seem to think is "I can't do this, I want out!"

Was talking to a nurse last night and she said I have to stop hating myself, problem is I have no idea how to. Any ideas?

[Buttercup.]

I struggle with self hate too. So I might not be the best for advice, but I'll show you some of the things one of my mental health workers gave me while I was in the hospital:

Daily Affirmations
~In this space, and in this time, I am an essential person to the world.
~My journey in life is unique--it is MY journey.
~I deserve to be loved by myself and by others.
~I have ample leisure time without feeling guilty.
~As a citizen of the world, I deserve love, peace, prosperity, and serenity.
~I am not alone. There are people who understand me.
~I love myself unconditionally.
~I can respect my rights and the rights of others.
~It's okay to ask for help today.
~Just for today, I will be glad to have feelings--happy, sad, depressed...whatever--because I am human.
~Just for today, I will respect my own and other's boundaries.
~Just for today, I will take one compliment and hold it in my heart for more than just a fleeting moment. I will let it nurture me.
~Just for today, I will act in a way that I would admire in someone else.
~Just for today, I will make decisions that will feel good tomorrow.

Everyday I'd choose a different one of these affirmations and repeat it to myself all day, trying to make myself believe it.

Another paper I got was called "Managing Today"

~There are days in recovery when you may be feeling a bit stuck. Just getting through the day can feel like an enormous struggle. You may be lacking energy, oomph, or hope. Here are some strategies to consider and try:
1. Be gentle with yourself for today. Try to get something accomplished but acknowledge that you are not feeling your best.
2. Make a list. Be realistic about what you can achieve.
3. Prioritize and try pre-planning how to assign your time and schedule for the day.
4. You may need to make a decision to concentrate only on the "basics," e.g., bathing, eating, getting dressed, a bit of reading, etc.
5. Break things down into smaller steps. get working on the first step.
6. Use a "just do it" approach to steps. Working on one small step at a time helps to build momentum which helps keep you going.
7. A physical activity could really help boost some energy. Consider a short walk that gets you up and moving.
8. Use kind and encouraging self-talk. Avoid dwelling on self-criticism and negative thoughts about how you are doing today.
9.Appreciate the good stuff that is happening in the moment. Focus on the little things that are positive, e.g., the toast tastes good. Little things can mean a lot.
10. Take breaks to practice your slow, deep breathing.
11. Reward yourself at times throughout the day, e.g., sit down for a cup of tea and/or watch your favorite TV show.
12. Toward the end of the day, write in your journal three things that were positive today. --I do this. I'd really recommend it.


Hope those were at least a little bit helpful. Really though, take it one day at a time. And make sure you recognize and embrace the little things that make you feel good or smile, even if for only a moment.

You can do this love, don't give up!

<3

[akita]

How are you going love? Writing things down is a huge help for me and I hope it helps for you too. Please know that if you want to talk all you have to do is text me and I'll phone you. I love you so much.

[nowhereman]

*hugs* well done for managing breakfast, that's great. Its a good start to your day, hope the rest of it goes as well.

[Revival]

Thanks so much for that Jess, it's really helpful <3

And thanks Andrea and dancintrulife as well, I really appreciate it.

I am so sick of writing this all the time but I've had a really bad day. I'm finding the program here really hard and finding it impossible to have any faith in myself.

A girl here freaked out tonight and long story short the cops and ambulance were called and she was taken to hospital to be assessed. So I'm feeling terrible because I feel like I should have seen the signs or done something to help her, though they say that no one could have really predicted it.

And this is so selfish but the cops and ambulance bought up so many painful memories for me of all the times I've been taken to the hospital by police/ambulance, restrained etc.

I know that I keep saying this and I'm sorry, but I just dont know how to cope anymore. I want to SI so badly but I know that if I do I will have to go to A&E, I won't be allowed to stay here. Then of course my ED twists that to "SI so you can get out of here and be alone with me (ED)"

I just dont know what to do anymore. I need some strength but I dont know where to get it from.

[akita]

You have so much of your own stuff going on that you couldn't have seen that she was going to freak out. I feel the same way about you honey, I wish we didn't live so far apart so that I could be there for you and cuddle you when you need one. What you are feeling about the cops/ambulance showing up isn't being selfish at all, its just that you have had bad experiences with them before and you can and will get past them. Fight with everything you have inside you to not self harm. Talk to me on the phone or lozza or anyone, just so that you can get out what you are feeling at the moment. You have that strength inside you, I know you do, it just has to come out and say here I am. You can beat this Ally, everyone here has faith in you that you can do this and one day you will find that faith in yourself too. Try all you can to stand up to the screaming in your head and you can do it. What about writing when it's so loud to distract yourself from it? Or listen to your iPod or talk to a nurse there? When I saw you last time, you looked really well and you can feel like that again even though you think you can't, I know you can.

xxx

[GoldDustReturnz]

I'll reply properly soon, I just wanted to let you know I'm still here and still readin.
Thinking of you, Ally.
Love you <3

[Buttons.]

Thinking of you.

[Buttercup.]

Glad it helped <3

*shares strength with* Hope today is going well for you. I'm thinking of you.

[Revival]

thanks guys <3

It's 5am here, and I've decided I'm going to try and be more positive today, any support would be really appreciated, as I odnt really know if I can do it or not.

Love you guys xx

[Buttercup.]

Know what I know? You CAN do it. Be positive, love.

Try taking things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself. Hang in there!

[nowhereman]

Of course you can do it. Keep fighting always.

[Revival]

thanks guys, nearly breakfast time, I'm scared :|