She might wonder why I have phoned. I don't really even need anything, there is nothing that can be done. I didn't manage to get out last night because I felt quite weak physically but I feel a lot better today so I'm hoping that the entrance to the other world will be open again tonight and that I can force myself to go out.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Well done for calling. I hope you answer when she calls back. Sometimes you just need to tell people things and that can help in itself. I also disagree that there's nothing that can be done - there is always something to try. Always. Please be honest with her.
My CPN didn't manage to phone back yesterday. I don't know if I can/will answer the phone today if she calls back. There's no point really and I'm seeing her on Tuesday. I was triggered to overdose last night and planned to buy stuff today but haven't because there is a lot on the news etc about A&E being so busy and people coming when they don't need to so they'd be pissed off if I ended up there with something self inflicted. If I end up doing it I don't know if I'd go to A&E. I'll need to do some form of self harm anyway.
I wish I could push past human anxiety to go out of my bedroom window since that is one of the main entrances to the other world. The men did say yesterday if I expose a key to enough microwave energy it will open my front/back door but lead to the other world. I researched stuff about microwave energy and there are things about the rain which is also involved in other world stuff. I'm going to try and absorb lots of rain today.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My CPN phoned and I didn't answer but managed to phone back. It was pointless. She just told me I know all the numbers to phone if I need to and that she isn't going to force anything on me. Maybe forcing would have been better since it's hard to reach out myself. She wants me to get my arm looked at by a nurse but it's not that bad so I'm not going to. (Sorry). I didn't convey any of my pain at all and I didn't get to talk about the other world stuff. I don't know if she understood how serious I am. No one ever understands because I'm always suicidal to some degree. I do wish I knew what I needed and that I would ask for it, but I don't. I go with what is offered so if things aren't offered then I will take nothing. The two CPNs who are on Duty this weekend are ones who know me quite a bit so that's something if I have to phone them. I forgot that the informal crisis team are coming over on Sunday to discuss the phone contact stuff I emailed them so maybe I can talk to them about other things if they are people I trust.
I feel like I really have to get on with suicide. I'm sick of this fight but I am so terrible at everything that I can't even get suicide right. I need to be doing something big and for that I need alcohol but I'm too much of an anxious wimp to even buy it. I am trapped.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The one person I definitely can't talk to is on the informal crisis team tonight, and Breathing Space web chat is offline for some reason. I really need someone.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Do you think you could go to A&E if you feel like you're going to act on thoughts again? I wish things were better for you. Could you contact the Samaritans or would that not be helpful?
You don't need to apologise for feeling the way you feel. I would feel the same and know I have in the past. There should be support for you. Definitely phone the duty CPN tomorrow.
It's so hard to reach out, especially over the phone. I'm not sure if I should phone Duty today. I'll probably want to phone them when they're finished for the day. My CPN said not to phone NHS 24 because they couldn't do anything, just to go straight to A&E if I need to and she will put in my notes that she has advised me to do this. A&E is overstretched right now and it's not a pleasant environment so I definitely want to avoid that. I don't even know what to say if I phone Duty. I kind of wish my CPN had arranged for me to see Duty at the health centre like I usually do instead of talking on the phone.
Everything is completely hopeless and there is nothing that anyone can do to change that.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Ringing Duty sounds like a good idea. Maybe you could draft what you'd like to say here; perhaps bullet points?
When you said you'll probably want to ring them when they're finished for the day; do you mean you'll want to do it when they won't answer anyway, or something else?
Thanks. I mean I probably cope better during the day and then when they have finished I will need some support. They finish at 4.30pm at the weekend. I really don't know what I should say or if I should say anything at all. I don't communicate well on the phone at all so maybe writing something would be useful but I don't want it to seem rehearsed. I'm just so rubbish at phone calls, I panic and hang up most of the time.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm just an idiot. I phoned Duty and hung up but then did manage to phone back and spoke to a CPN, well I didn't really say much. I asked if they were busy and she said they were just back in the office and were just about to go on another visit so I said it's ok I won't take up your time. The CPN said she would look at the notes my own CPN had written and phone me back which she did but I didn't manage to explain anything at all. I had written some things down but didn't get to say anything in detail. The CPN just checked that I wasn't in immediate danger and told me to write things for the informal crisis team who are coming tomorrow but they're only coming to talk about my phone anxiety. I don't need to be writing things down, I need a person. But I can't ask for anything because I don't deserve it. I will never be able to communicate my needs. No one thinks I need anything anyway so I must not. The CPN said to phone any time but that was my one brave moment and I didn't get anything from it so it's pointless to try again especially since they are busy. I am trapped inside myself because of my awful communication.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You're not an idiot at all! Really well done for calling; that was a big step. I know that you don't feel like it achieved anything in the short term, but I think maybe it's progress in your communicating at least? Next time you decide to call, you can remind yourself that you've done it before and even called back when the first attempt didn't work out.
I can definitely read between the lines of what you said and know that the CPN needed to give you more opportunities to expand on how you are feeling and reassure you that it was OK to take up their time but I don't think that's always obvious to people who aren't seasoned anxiety queens like us!! I've come to realise that it's not that people don't want to reassure me and offer support, they just literally don't know that I'm asking, even though in my eyes I'm being very direct in my request. I know that calling back and saying what you said was probably the limit to how forward you are comfortable being in asking for help right now but unfortunately some people just don't see things in the same way and need you to be more direct. Now I'm not saying that to criticise you at all, but to try to explain why you weren't able to get the support you both need and deserve. Maybe that's something you could talk about with the informal crisis team people tomorrow and maybe a compromise can be reached where they can brief their team on how worried you will be feeling about taking up their time if you call and suggest things that both you and their staff can say that will help alleviate that and get you in a place where you can talk to them.
Yikes, ramble. I hope that makes some sense?
What makes you think you can only talk about the phone anxiety with the crisis team tomorrow? I think it sounds as though the CPN you spoke to thinks it would be OK to talk about other stuff too.
I think I'm going to have to try and explain to people more about my communication issues and difficulties in asking for help. Maybe if people asked direct questions and told me what my support options are then I would get some support when needed.
I will probably be allowed to talk about other things with the informal crisis team but it's not supposed to be the main focus I don't think. They're coming at 1pm though and at the weekend they're usually less busy between 12pm and 4pm so hopefully they will have enough time to talk through other things. I'm really hoping someone I feel comfortable with is working. It would be very awkward if the one person who I definitely can't talk to turned up and we spoke about me asking to speak to someone else if I feel uncomfortable with who answers the phone, because I can't say to her "it's you I'm meaning."
There's no one I can reach out to now because I can't manage another phone call today. I'm so tired of fighting.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Crisis came and it was quite overwhelming but I didn't manage to explain things well. I'm not allowed to answer the 'are you going to be safe' question with probably, it has to be yes or no. They said I can answer with how I am in that moment which is fine. They wrote some things about people not suggesting distractions and how I can ask to end the call if I'm safe. They said some things about wanting me to phone NHS 24 or they might do it. I don't think they'll get me help when I need it. At first they were both saying and doing different things so I couldn't respond to them both so I feel like I was very rude. I gave them stuff about how I've been feeling and the other world but we didn't discuss any of that. I'm seeing my CPN on Tuesday anyway and I really hope I can get things across this time.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
