Contains sexual abuse - I'm so confused

[Amaranth]

I've been really low lately and a thought that has always been there but which I've never allowed in has found a way in now and I can't escape it - I think that my whole purpose in life and reason for being here is so that people can abuse me and hurt me.
I was abused (mostly sexually but also emotionally) by a number of family members for virtually my whole childhood; I only started self harming and developed eating disorders once the sexual abuse stopped when I was a teenager. The emotional abuse has unfortunately never stopped, although it's now much better than it was.
When I was 18 I had a boyfriend who turned very abusive, emotionally, physically and sexually. I became pregnant from one of the times he raped me. I couldn't go through with an abortion which made him angry and he strangled me until I lost consciousness. Luckily I didn't lose the baby - and being pregnant gave me the strength to leave.
Since then though it feels like I've been hiding away from the world, I don't let anyone in as I'm terrified they'll hurt me. But it's so hard to keep fighting - I can't stop self harming, my eating is constantly disordered, I can't cope without anti - depressants. I can't help thinking things are so hard for me because I've not accepted that my place is as other people's play thing. If I just gave up and let anyone who wants to use or hurt me just get on with it, then I'd find life easier, I will have found my place in life and could just give in - allow my sense of self to just rot away until I'm nothing more than a walking talking sex toy.
I so badly don't want that to be true. I don't want that to be my purpose in life, but I can't help thinking I'm just kidding myself that I actually deserve more.
I don't know what to think or do. Do I give in to it and let people use me, or do I try to keep fighting and potentially have to put up with the pain and the fight my whole life?

[RescueIsPossible]

I understand that feeling perfectly. But I'm learning that's no one's place in life. Don't give up. You are meant to do more than be a toy. Pm me if you ever want to talk.

[Charmed]

Hi Leah, I'm sorry it took so long to get a response for this. It sounds like you've been through so many awful experiences, and I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I'm a little low on words in this area but I just wanted to let you know that I think you are incredibly brave and strong to have gone through all of that and still be where you are now.

This is absolutely not supposed to be your life, you deserve so much more than what you have gone through. No one deserves that in their life. You've come so far and you can be strong enough to keep fighting. I believe in you and so do many others, stay strong lovely <3

[Amaranth]

Thank you both. Bit low on words myself at the moment, but wanted to say I really do appreciate you replying. I'm trying to change the way I think about myself, but it's hard.

[dbus-daemon]

I don't have much to add but really just to echo the others; you're not somebody's toy to play with and mistreat. You're a human being with your own identity autonomy and feelings (and a lot of strength too). Only evil people would treat another human like their property and play-thing. Nobody is another person's property, toy, play-thing or punching bag.

You really do deserve a lot more from life and I really hope that some day soon things do improve.

[Amaranth]

Thank you - I keep trying to tell myself that I am worth more and I'm nobodies play thing, sometimes it's easier than others though.
I hate the things people can do to each other, I really do. I don't know why the world has to be so cruel