Maybe there is something practical I can do to change my situation, but I just don't know what it is.
I talked to people and also found a couple of self-help apps for my phone that helped me use mindfullness and CBT skills to calm down. Took some effort but eventually it worked.
I'm sorry everything is overwhelming, it sounds like everything keeps building up and you aren't able to deal with it all. Feeling lost and tired is very understandable while you're in this battle. Did you get some medical help after the OD? Has any support been put in place for you? Take these sick leave days to do whatever safe things you need to do. Keep going and reach out if you can.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you.
I did receive medical help. I was offered inpatient treatment, but refused because it's not possible for me to take more than a couple of days of sick leave, unless I am willing to quit my job. I was also offered therapy, which I also had to refuse because what they offered me was incompatible with my work schedule. So I'm on a waiting list until (approximately) August when someone (theoretically) is going to be available in my free hours. All that thanks to the nice doctor from the ambulance unit, bless her soul. Could've got overlooked entirely.
I'm glad you weren't overlooked, but it's terrible that support services can't seem to be flexible and available. Is there someone you can get in touch with if you need to?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I haven't been given any options other than calling an ambulance for myself or changing my mind about going inpatient. As for people in my life, I have a friend that I maybe can call if things are tough, but I'm not quite sure he's going to be there.
This has probably been asked already and please forgive me if I have already asked it and you've answered, but do you find telephone helplines useful at all? If you can call your friend then please do if it would help. How is today looking?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Nope, you haven't asked that, and even if you did there's no need to apologize. I am incredibly grateful that you are still talking to me.
The thing is, as far as I know the only helpline available in my country is aimed at youth and I am too old for them. Which isn't really that much of a loss, considering the fact I have crippling phone anxiety and when I tried to call them as a teenager, I haven't managed to do anything but panic and hang up as soon as someone answers. I tried an international chat helpline, but I don't want to use it repeatedly because there's just too many people in the world needing support for me to overuse it. Plus at this point I already know how the conversation will turn out, because the ones I had all turned out the same. They'll suggest to distract myself for now and contact professionals later, or call emergency services immediately, depending on how unwell I am. Since being in a hospital is not an option, and no other support is offered to me (unless I have big money to pay for private therapy, and I don't), I wouldn't really follow either of those recommendations.
Today l'm trying to get a hold of myself. Dragged myself out of bed, failed to cook anything, but at least I managed to walk to a shop and buy some food. Spent all night thinking whether to continue to live, cried so much I can't properly open my eyes because they're swollen, but decided not to do anything drastic to myself. I need to get my cat to a vet, because she's preggers, but I'm not sure I'll manage to do it, I am just really not feeling okay.
That's not very helpful only having a youth support line...I know what you mean about using online chat, I think that a lot of people stick to the same script mostly because you're an anonymous person so they don't know much about you. Support from people who have some kind of personal or professional relationship with you would be much better.
You sound so low and despairing. :( Well done for continuing to try and do things. If you can get a balance between doing those things and trying to get some good rest then that might be useful. Do what you can do in the moment. I hope things start looking up soon.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
When you are not feeling okay, it is okay to compromise and to leave whatever may wait until later. Being suicidal takes up a shitload of energy and whatever you have left is probably being used to appear okay in front of everyone else.
I have a hard time letting things wait, even if i am feeling terrible, i end up feeling that i have to do stuff because it's my responsibility and i cannot cancel plans with friends because they will be disappointed and yadda, yadda, yadda..... truth is, that most things can wait a few hours or a couple of days. If the cat is not about to give birth right now then just try to take it easy for a day or two.
You might feel it is your responsibility to keep it together and look fine but your only responsibility is taking care of yourself. And asking for some advice or support is part of that self care package. So if the helpline is a place to find just a bit of that then keep using it. You're not taking up time or space that someone else might need. If it helps you to feel less alone then you are getting what YOU need. And that is pretty fucking important too!!!!!
I got a hold of my self and got my kitty to the vet for her check up. Thankfully, she is doing just fine. Time to be functional, because I'm going back to work today, but it's a little hard.
Zurg, thank you for being so kind and understanding. I have a hard time with the helplines, though. Just keep thinking that while I'm thinking of the right words to express myself, someone else is seeing the Offline message, and that other person might be on a verge of doing something drastic. Sure, it feels good to talk to an actual human being and be able to be honest and not pretend to be all fine and cheerful (which is why I am really grateful for everyone who is talking to me here).
Buttons., thank you for taking time to reply, I really appreciate it. It's good to know I'm not alone, although I'm really sorry you have to deal with it too.
The reason why I got so freaked out was a call from a parent of one of my child students, who was very upset and angry with me. She was really not satisfied with me in general, but the last straw was that I traumatized her kid, because long story short, he ended up seeing some of my scars and the kid is only 8 and now he's upset and asks a lot of uncomfortable questions. She basically told me that if I'm really as unwell both physically and mentally as it seems, I shouldn't be working at this job, because the children are suffering and it's not their fault I'm ill. I think she is right, and it's upsetting, but the reality is that neither I can find another job, nor my employer can really find anyone willing to take my position, so things will probably stay the way they are. Even though honestly the realization I probably traumatized at least a dozen kids within the last 5 years and will keep doing that because that's what I do for living makes me feel like a monster.
Sometimes parents jump in not seeing the bigger picture, the way I see it, this boy has seen your scars and Also seen you as a strong capable adult who can help him when need be. That might help him grow into an adult who is accepting of peoples' differences and not writing them off as a result of their diffculties/physical apperance. You have not traumatised any children in my view, just opened their eyes to the fact that the world is full of different people with different struggles. If you'd gone into detail about your self harming I would say yes that is inappropriate at that age but you Didn't. So far as what you've said here I see no reason why you should feel guilty or to listen too much to this set of ignorant parents. Sometimes I imagine what I would say to someone else with my scars 'how would you feel if x was told they couldn't do such and such because of their scars' I'd be up in arms, whereas if it's concerning myself I tend to shuffle off into a corner.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
i'm so scared. in pain. a lot of pain. help. dont know what to do.
i tried calling my boyfriend. he just keep saying "i don't know". i asked if i go home now. he said whatever. i called an ambulance but couldn't explain. ambulance lady said i'm okay. to take sedatives. they didn't send anyone. help. no one is talking to me. no one is there. except for the voice. the voice says to kill myself. i'm so scared. the voice suggests a method but i don't think it will work. i am so lost. what to i do. help.
