i miss it *self harm trigger*

[Koala hugs]

i miss harming my body is aching to do it ,but i would like very much to have a baby in the not so distant future and i cant do both. i just miss it so bad its been 8 months 8 trying in places months i just wish i could "breathe" better without doing it. ive fought hard to get where i am today, a semi functioning adult ,at the same time part of me is longing to throw it all away. i very very nearly relapsed last week but my phone rang just in the nick of time .tonight im drinking n wishing things where different. i hope i dont get banned for posting this bit worried about that. gotta put this sh#t somewhere tho.

[Pi.R^2]

Not sure why you thought you'd get banned for this post; I don't think you've broken any rules!!

Sorry you're having such a tough time, it's so hard fighting urges. I'm glad that a phone call stopped you doing it last week- is it a good feeling now, knowing that you're still 8 months free and that you didn't slip up?

You said you were wishing things were different- in what way?

[Koala hugs]

Thought it would trigger people was worried this post would make others want to harm. I still feel guilty for nearly doing it. I just wish sometimes that I could have both be harming and have a baby but I know it can never happen like that. I'm not sure it's even really deep down what I do want . I guess I wish I didn't have to fight so hard to get what I want in life. I'm tired and frustrated with how unfair life is. People have it worse tho.i shouldn't be moaning n complaining .today is a better day ive cleaned the bathroom done three ish week s of dishes and cleaned the kitchen n wiped the sides down. Even made my bed n pulled back the curtains. I don't always some days I stay in bed all day n live in perpetual gloom

[Pi.R^2]

No, you don't need to worry, your post wasn't graphic or glamourising in any away.
Why do you feel guilty for nearly doing it? It's a shame that your subconscious has chosen to focus on the negative of nearly slipping up, rather than the positive of not actually doing it!

There will always be someone worse off than you, that doesn't make your suffering invalid. Imagine if only the single worst-off person in the world was allowed to complain!!

Sounds like you had a really productive day yesterday, well done!

[Koala hugs]

ok glad its not glamourising it thanks . i feel guilty coz if the phone hadnt rang i would have done it i already had my tool in my hand . i feel like a failure like it feels nearly as bad as a relapse does . i dunno how to explain it that well other than to say that its almost like my brain doesnt distinguish between thought urge near action n actual action pluss i thought i was free of it then i came so close n now im really angry at myself about it .im not having such a good day today anyway tho.

[not_so_insig]

The main thing that you didnt cut. That's a major thing.

I believe that the urges never go away but what changes is the way you react and the effect it has. I am over 8 years free and still get them. But having good distractions helps.

[Koala hugs]

ok thanks not so insig i will have to try and remember that xx

[not_so_insig]

Glad you found my response helpful.

[one_step_closer]

Sometimes little things stop you or seem to get in the way in a positive way when you are thinking of self harming. I'm glad you got that phone call because you are doing so great and working so hard and deserve to keep going with your achievements.

[Koala hugs]

Thanks pi.R^2 and one step closer xx means alot

[Koala hugs]

Argghh I still miss it having urges nearly every day now just wish I cud make it stop

[Pi.R^2]

The bad news is that you might have urges every for some time to come. And I'm sorry about that because it's rubbish.

The good news is that every new day means you've gone another day without doing it. Another day where things were hard but you found a way to get through without self harm. It gets easier. Not in a complete straight line and it takes longer than you want it to, but it does get better. Until one day you see a bad day and think 'hey, I can think of 541 bad days that I've got through without self harming, I reckon I can handle this one too'.

[Koala hugs]

Thanks xx I will try and look at it like that