I've been through a lot of abuse. Not as much as some but more than others. I've been told I deserved it, it was my fault, it on,y happened because he loved me so much. I still suffer some of the side effects of physical and sexual abuse.
How do I stop having the memories come back when I try so hard to forget. How do I forgive my brother who put me in the hospital bec he tried to kill me? How do I forgive my ex who rapped me because I told him I didn't want to have sex? How do I forgive family for never being there for me?
I need help with this because it is so hard for me to trust anyone. I just want the memories to go away.
I'm afraid there's not a magic fix. Like Atropos said, it may help you to talk to a therapist who specialises in trauma. They can really help you come to terms with it and give you more healthy coping mechanisms.
A lot of it will have to come from you, too. In realising you aren't worthless and didn't deserve what happened to you. You're better than that. I don't have to know you to know that. I do not care at all what you did, you didn't deserve what happened to you.
It's not about the memories going away, but learning to live with them. Making it so they have no power over you, which is possible.
Please look into getting some help. I don't know where you are, but here in the UK, there are free services available if you just ask your doctor for a referral.
You have to stop resenting the memories. Resentment is a hypnotic emotion. Resent someone or something etc and it gets under your skin and in your head.
If I call you a "fool" in Chinese you wont react because you wont know the word (I assume lol). In English you probably react and that reaction is what opens you up. Its not the insult itself that does the damage.
Once you react impressions get in. They can drive the body and the mind. The more you fight them the worse they get.
The thing to do is learn to be Objective/distant to the memories etc. In reality the memories and impressions that go along with trauma want to go away and thats why they come back for review. You get to not overreact too hard. By not overreating you break the spell
If I told you "not" to think of a green butterfly you would think of one more. On the other hand, if you already had an image of a green butterfly just "observing" it without a reaction would make the image break down. Try that in your mind and see its true. Close your eyes and see a green butterfly. Just 'watch" it and you'll see you can't keep the image going without extra effort, thought, feeling etc.
Don't be for or against memories etc. You could tell me of events in your life that harmed you but (and I dont mean to be rude) as bad as they might be I've heard things just like them the last 10 years. For you they are traumas, for me they are just words. That's what they can be for you too when you scale down the emotional reactions. Its a skill like learning to type. Don't worry about blaming, condeming yourself or others etc. Sorting those things out are one issue but they aren't the main one which is letting go emotionally.
One quote I heard went "I got better when I learned to accpet the apology I never got". Bad people do bad things. They want you to hate them so that you will be broken. Feel the hurt but not that hate (let that go)
Sorry for the channelling of my inner wise-old-woman, this just got a bit long and passionate. It's also not meant to make anyone feel bad if they're still in a horrible place of worthlessness and hating those that hurt them- it's just meant to show that those feelings don't do any good and there is a life beyond them. I've been there, some days I still am, but as stupid cheesy film as this sounds- it does get better. So anyway, on with my point.
Another thing that helped me stop feeling so bad was knowing that the people who hurt me have already wrecked so much of my life. They'd made me feel worthless and scared of my own front door. They crushed me to nothing. But carrying those feelings with me forever doesn't hurt them one bit, it only hurts me. I really do sound like a therapist now, apologies, but it's true.
I doubt the people that hurt you care one bit if you stop eating or cut yourself, or even kill yourself. Maybe they'll have some compassion if you were ever driven to the extreme- I hope they would- but ultimately, by hurting yourself you really are only hurting yourself. You might see it as a sort of revenge. A power, in a way, because no matter how much they hurt you, you can hurt yourself more. And I still struggle with that, because hurting myself really does make me feel strong and in control, and no amount of logic makes those feelings go away. But it's them who should be sorry, who should be crying themselves to sleep, punishing themselves.
Healing is about learning to let go, maybe even forgiving. I don't wish bad things on the people that hurt me. Not because I have any compassion for them, but because it would only make things worse. Bad things happen, they become even more bitter. The more bitter they are, the more they feel the need to hurt other people. And really, what is their unhappiness going to do to me? It won't give me back my self worth, or those years I spent scared to leave my bedroom. What I do hope is that they realise one day and become better people. Try to atone for what they did- not necessarily to me- even though that would be nice, but by just spreading something other than hate and bitterness through the world.
So there's my impassioned speech, I hope it's not too lifetime movie. (But no one who writes a lifetime movie has ever actually been through the things they write about- that much is obvious. Starving in Suburbia, anyone?)
It sounds very painful what you're going through, re living everything. It's not fair, how painful it was to go through in the first place and now it's cruel having to go through it like it's happening all over again.
I think it's very brave that you are able to stand up and say outright that you were raped, and especially adding that he was your ex. A horrible part of being sexually assaulted or abused is the part where no one believes you or belittles it as if it was nothing. When you're in relationship with someone I have found that some people think you can't be raped if you're in a relationship, and of course you can.
The same goes for your brother trying to kill you. Some people may say you're exaggerating or that it was an accident or, it was playful sibling rivalry or that he was playing around. Your brother putting you in hospital and trying to kill you is awful.
I really respect you for still being here, for still trying even though these people in your life have disrespected your humanity and your dignity.
You don't have to forgive anyone if you don't want to.
It's fine if you find it hard to trust people. If you don't trust people then don't trust them, you don't have to. With everything that you have been through a part of respecting yourself, I have found, is people earning it. Your body and your mind, which people have betrayed, abused and traumatised, is precious. Please don't just give your trust away without some evidence that they have earned it.
Always when judging
Who people are,
Remember to footnote
The words "So far."
