It's really hard being new in somewhere like a TC. A lot of people will understand how unfamiliar and scary it all is, how it feels to be new and how difficult it is to sit with those feelings. I don't know how things work at the Cassel but could you mention some of these anxieties to the community? You can be a 'good enough' contribution at some stage in the future, but, just now I imagine it's expected to just try and get used to the very new (and probably very strange) ways of doing things.x
You are being so brave lovely, being new in a place like that is really hard and takes a while to adjust to. But you will adjust to it.
I know thats probably not very helpful. But I have been to rehab, I've been the new person. I hated it at first and just wanted to leave, to be moved. Just not be there. It wasn't easy but I managed to make some good out of it in the end and felt settled after a while.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
Thank you all so much for your kind words. They really mean a lot. I managed to talk to another patient and sit in the lounge to be safe.
You are all correct in that it will take time to settle in. Just for now though it seems hard and scary. And that isn't going away or decreasing with time which is hard and scary. The others do seems to understand but I'm so worried that I'm not helping them. I desperately want to but I have nothing to say. Nothing.
I don't know if here is the right place for me. I kinda wanna go back home to where things were stuck but where things were familiar.
I'm so sorry Lillie I'm low on words please give yourself time. I can relate a little as I have an admission on Friday . My inbox is open as always though! X
Try and focus on yourself for the time being, rather than worrying about being there for other people so soon into your admission. I know it's so easy to fall into wanting to be there for others, but you have so must change to get used to and accept right now, your head is bound to be all over the place. And you need to be there for yourself first.
You won't at all feel like it's the right place right now, and thats totally normal, as is wanting to go back home even with the situation you were in. Like you say it was familiar. Right now everything is changing, you don't have control over everything, and that is bloody scary. And it is okay to be scared, to be confused, unsettled etc.
It's really positive to hear that you have been able to open up to another patient. As time goes by you will be able to talk to people more. I'm not saying immediately. Everyone is different and takes different amounts of time to adjust. But you definitely will.
When I went to rehab, I barely spoke for the first month or so. I had similar feelings to what you have described, I thought things would never improve at all. But gradually bit by bit they did. Yes I had to sit through some awful feelings at times that felt like hell, I'm not going to lie, it was no walk in the park. But it was worth it as now I no longer spend half my life in crisis, harming most the time to get through it. And spending more time in living in hospital than at home.
I know you probably don't feel very strong right now, but you definitely are, you have come this far and survived. You are worth this opportunity lovely <3
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
I'm scared. I self harmed and I might need surgery. I'm scared. Jodie rang the cassel for me and that helped though I still have to ring myself tomorrow. I made such a stupid stupid mistake by self harming. I regretted it instantly. I knew I should have reached out for help more before I did it and after the event that triggered me to do it
Thanks guys I'm home now. My head feels like cotton wool but at least I'm nice and clean after my one legged bath.
The crisis is over but I need some space to think about how to prevent this happening again. What I and my team could do differently. I recognise that I need to ask for help instead of saying I can manage on my own when I can't. I need to push to discuss things that have upset me. I don't know other than that though.
The consequences are I'm not in therapy today. I'm missing that. I will have to have a management meeting and will probably get sent on short leave at the very minimum. I'm waiting for the cassel to call me and tell me what they are going to do next. Right now I have no support from the cassel except from some of the girls there who text me.
I hope they get in touch soon then at least you know what to expect.
I hope the girls you are texting are helpful. Is there anything we can do to help?
Thinking of you, you are so strong and this is going to take every ounce strength you have and feel like hell but you can do this. This is the start and the start is hard it can and will get better. Remember this program is about learning and there are going to be rocky patches along the way. Take care of yourself and regroup.
I love you Lillie, so much! You're in my thoughts a lot. I don't have anything wise to say aside from I care about you so much and want nothing but the best for you. You are so loved and cared for. <3 <3 <3
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I've messed this up. I think I'm going to be spending this weekat home. I don't know how to cope with that.
The cassel called me and I called my cc. I'm not reassured they are going to discuss the way forward in staff meeting tomorrow. Because I have an appointment on Wednesday potentially about my foot.
I need to go out now but it makes my foot swell. I'm so tired as well. So so tired .
![[Luna]'s Avatar](image.php?s=dde2400af9d35abc92d2929b6e6421a5&u=32920&dateline=1692390196)
