Relationship/Friendship difficulties, help please?
I seem to have a lot of difficulties with relationships - all relationships: professional relationships, friendships, family relationships...basically, every area of my life.
My problem though, is that I do not quite understand why or how. Sometimes I behave not so great but we all make mistakes - I feel though, that I can never stand up for myself in these circumstances because in person I either freeze or cry and freeze whilst completely choking on my words. The result of this I feel is that I've lost control of how I am perceived and how i come across because I am unable to correct people when I have not communicated effectively and they have misunderstood me. I always apologise and acknowledge my ill's as well if they are pointed out to me, and I work on changing them. I feel though, that it is never enough.
With friends, I now have none. I know some people say they have no friends when in actual fact they DO have friends, but I actually have NO friends - and my S/O is soon moving out so I will have no-one. Again I feel unable to ever stand up for myself, then if I am hurt or something is said to upset me I get extremely nasty and, dare I say it, vindictive. This though, is because I am frustrated and hurt by not being heard, by being met with hypocritical criticisms and feeling hurt.
I need to stop feeling so hurt because I either am really hurt or I just cut it off and ignore those feelings/stop feeling them.
I get a lot of anger and rage and this is perpetuated by my trying to be a better person, a more reliable person, a kinder friend etc...and I never seem to get anywhere. I had a fall out with my only friends this week, hence I now have none, and I am feeling ant an utter loss for how to make friends, or keep friends, or be a good person.
Does anyone have any advice or ideas for how to make and keep friends, and how to interact effectively with professionals should I have to again (fallen back into services again) - because all of my failures have increased my anger and bitterness by tenfold, and I feel that if I don't change or figure out where I'm going wrong, the situation will only worsen and potentially, I fear, become irrevocable - which will only deepen my distress and confusion.
I would very much appreciate it if anyone had any ideas or advice to offer please? Thank you.
I'm sorry you've had such difficult experiences. Bear in mind that in lots of those cases it may not be your doing at all- some people are just impatient and rude and aren't as self-reflective as you; they may have been the ones responsible for the relationship breakdown.
With anger, try taking a deep breath and counting to some random number to give you to time to reflect on whether lashing out to get your anger out is more important than maintaining the relationship. Sometimes it will be, but at other times it pays to just let things go.
In terms of making mistakes- you're right, everyone does. Would it help you to not 'freeze' if you gave it a little time between the incident and trying to apologise? That way you'd be able to calm down and prepare what you want to say and it would also give the other person involved time to cool off.
You mention falling out with your friends this week- would it help to talk about that to try to identify what exactly happened and whether or not the relationship is salvageable?
Thank you for your reply. I didn't reply sooner because I have been quite a mess and trying to think everything through. I have been having difficulties with the friendship for some time and have realised that if I do not say at least something I will struggle to let it slide into the past.
Now I am calmer though I think my response will be more collected than raging expletives at least then I can let the friendship go.
I think, most of the time, relationships are salvageable with time and effort. Sometimes, relationships aren't worth saving, but sometimes they are. If you're happy to draw a line under things, that's fine, but otherwise, it might be worth writing a letter to them, explaining how you feel and what's going on, and what you'd like to happen next.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Perhaps writing a letter and then maybe coming to an agreement of distance and boundaries within the friendship would be better - which would need to go both ways do you think?
Because I have been struggling with many of their behaviours as well, and I don't think it is fair for me to receive the entirety of the blame.
That would perhaps be most productive. I have a bad habit of cutting people off forever if I am hurt or upset by them because I am scared of repeat patterns occurring as have been my experiences previously.
The result of this though, is that I have no other connections to savour or socialise with because I just cut people off. Sometimes I am fine with it, but there are times when I do wish i had friends to hang out with or experience some things with because the other alternative is quite a only existence I suppose.
I think you need to talk to your friends. Communication is hard (especially with suffering MH problems) so I think if you find writing or emailing easier than maybe you should do that.
I also think you need to decide what to do. Whether you want to try and salvage the friendship or not.
What did you friends do to make you fall out with them? Is it worth cutting them off?
I struggled to keep friends in my teens but I have a few close friends and many friendship circles from being in clubs and through work/voluntary work and interests? Perhaps you could join a club to help you meet people?
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
I struggled to keep friends in my teens but I have a few close friends and many friendship circles from being in clubs and through work/voluntary work and interests? Perhaps you could join a club to help you meet people?
I think this is a good idea. I have been trying to work on this already but often anxiety and nerves and thinking everyone hates me makes it difficult. Or sometimes, when I have tried in the past, I have gotten to the door of the event, then literally turned and ran away in a panic.
I am still trying to persevere with it though.
I have sent them a message over FB, so I will see if they reply or not and what they say. Maybe it will work, maybe not -I don't know.
I think looking into a befriending scheme might be a good idea. I don't have a support worker right now, I may get one in the future should I go through a referral for floating support but I'm not sure what they would and would not be able to do.
Thank you for the idea, that sounds positive.
I went to a support group at the weekend but everyone I spent time trying to talk to said they weren't coming again. I will try as go again though and hopefully have more luck
A befriending scheme sounds like a good idea. Do you have much support generally at the moment? I do think it's worth going back to the group and trying again; people come and go with these things and it sounds like you were unlucky last week.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
No not at all. I left services bc it wasn't working out. I am scared to work with any of them now so when the HTT came over I don't know what happened but all my guards went up and now they're not coming back.
I found that annoying that I did that but I felt out of control so I have no services support just my GP and my s/o is moving away in a month so then my main support will have gone.
