Graphic / Triggering - Dying inside, my heart is rotting
I don't think anyone will reply to this. I'm a lost cause and not important to anyone apart from Mr Manic Depressive.
Therapy is causing me too much pain. My therapist is encouraging me to open up fully about the past but if I do I'll never be able to cope again. I have to keep a lid on it.
Two men tried to ruin me. They both turned me into a tranwreck via their abuse. How do I ever get over that?
This morning I decided that breaking my fingers is a brilliant idea, as is slowly pulling all my hair out.
I wish I could sink into cutting and crying but Mr MD won't let me. He is too good. He is my prince.
I'll never be a suitable mother for the child I so badly want, not while I am haunted by images of violence.
I know the pain is terrible, but opening up to your therapist is a really good idea. Yes it hurts, but you can find ways to deal with what happened, rather than trying to ignore it. Ignoring it hasn't worked so great so far, right? I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's true I'm afraid. With therapy, is there any way you can ensure you will be safe for the whole rest of the day after a session? So if you are talking about difficult issues, you have the reassurance of another person etc. *big hugs*
Location: A Dark Place Somewhere North Of The Border
I am currently:
Hey,
I can relate a lot to what your saying sweetie, i quit therapy because i didnt feel like it was helping me, what i would say to you is keep going with it, open up and allow your therapist to help you work through your demons, I know i felt gradually a bit better once my therapist knew what had gone on. Things were continually happening while i was in therapy and i was honest with my therapist about everything it helped it really did, until they changed my therapist and then I couldnt take it.
Hurting yourself is not the answer sweetie, you can get past this and you will (i'm speaking from my own experiences). you can be the mother you want to be with help and support and I'm here for you love.
Thinking of you
Dianne
xxx
Thank you Dianne, what a sweet message. So kind.
I just feel like I am so messed up, like a big tangled ball off wool, and neither I nor anybody else will ever make sense of it.
I am so triggered right now, I am completely jittery.
I am just like a child inside, always needing someone to look after me. Can't cope on my own.
Ifeel like everyone is laughing at me
It's best to wait a little longer for other replies, waiting an hour and then asking if anyone is about is a little pointless, People have their daily life to deal with and may have read your post and went away to reply later in the day. You will get better replies if you leave it a little longer :)
Sorry, I know it was silly of me, I'm just desperate
Location: A Dark Place Somewhere North Of The Border
I am currently:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Manic_Depressive_Girl
Thank you Dianne, what a sweet message. So kind.
I just feel like I am so messed up, like a big tangled ball off wool, and neither I nor anybody else will ever make sense of it.
I am so triggered right now, I am completely jittery.
I am just like a child inside, always needing someone to look after me. Can't cope on my own.
Ifeel like everyone is laughing at me
I'm not laughing at you sweetie, I'd never do that, like I said I can relate to this a lot, the key is to try (and I know it seems like the hardest thing in the world right now) to keep busy and not think about things. You will make sense of things love, the key I found to making sense of things was to realise there's some answers you may feel like you want or need but will never get, I had to get my self used to that to accept what they did. *hugs*
Yeah I won't have all the answers to the things I wonder daily about. Its so hard. I already feel so let down and ashamed, like I shouldn't show my face.
Location: A Dark Place Somewhere North Of The Border
I am currently:
You have NOTHING to be ashamed about, you deserve to hold your head up high, the people who made you feel like this should be ashamed, one day you'll get to a point where you look back and think about how far you've come and right now you'll probably laugh and think no way but seriously, you will get through this and look back and realise how strong youve become. Well done for posting sweetie. I know its hard to talk about :)
xxx
