Triggering (SI/OD) - You are the only people I can tell

[kaffy123]

Had a meeting Friday to see if I can leave the hospital. It didn't go well.

From the second I sat down the social worker started throwing questions at me about how I'd cope on the outside, what I'd learned since being here, had I thought of cutting, etc.

He was downright insulting and mean. Of course, he won't let me go home. Apparently, from what the therapist said, he was trying to upset me to see how I'd do for the next two weeks.

At first I was sad, then angry, then defeated, then frustrated. Now I WANT TO CUT. I WANT TO BURN MY LEGS. I want to scream. It would feel so good to SI. It would make me calm down and be at ease.

I don't dare act on the urge or I'll never get out of here. I also cannot mention these thoughts to anyone. They would take whatever I said, write it in my chart, and say I need to stay indefinitely.

I was doing so well too. The urges had been less and less and when I would get them it was getting easy to ignore them. Now, I'm right back to craving SI like I never stopped. It's worse now that I can't cut without being caught. This is making me more frustrated and sad.

How am I to get help if it's not safe to talk to the therapist and social worker about any of this?

[behindblueyes]

Do you think that you CAN say these things to the people at the hospital, but then go on to explain to them why you are having these horrible urges? Obviously the social worker probably had good intentions, he just definitely did not go about it in the right way at all. Please try to keep yourself distracted, you seem to have done well with all the hard work you have done.

Hang in the fight
x Kate

[drunkenskunk]

I remember feeling the same way at the meetings I went through to find out if I was 'sane' enough to leave -- I ended up feeling much like you say you do. Frustrated, not able to trust anyone, wondering what the hell I was in there for in the first place if all they were going to do was goad me into wanting to cut and then sitting back and watching what the freak would do -- that's how I felt, not how I should have felt or how you should feel. I hindsight, once I did get out and with the benefit of a few years' distance, I think the mental health system is still trying to find a way of 'handling' people who SI. If you let them get to you, they'll only say that your actions confirm you're not ready to leave. And then you'll be stuck in the same spiral.
Good luck -- I'll be thinking of you.