Hey,
Ive had a hard couple of weeks things have been really difficult, ive managed to start talking about my flashbacks and that day with my CPN more than I ever have before. I have been so so distressed my CPN suggested that we take a break from talking about it, I tried to explain that it wasnt talking about it that was making me suicidal. Talking about it has made my SH worse alot worse but I can cope with that. I couldnt find the words to explain why it was worse even thought I no what it is. My CPN asked if i could try and write it down and show it 2 her.
Ive managed 2 do this, but im seeing her tomorow and im panicing about showing her so much, its really personal, its to do with the fact in finally in a loving relationship, and how sex is hard for me and the reasons why and what relationship it has the abuse.
Im so worried about giving it 2 her, its just so personal and so private, I no its for the best but what if shes discusted by me? or thinks im completely stupid that i cnt seperate being with my partner and what happened?
Sorry could just so with some support xx
Last edited by fakesmiler : 08-06-2009 at 08:51 PM.
Reason: spelling
' Your always going to have the hurt, you may as well use it'
'Writing can be a way of righting any wrongs that have been done to you'
'Scars tell a story of where u have been, but they dont have to dictate where u are going'
Well done for opening up to her! I don't think she will think you are disgusting or stupid its actually a normal reaction when you have been through traumas like this. I really think you should show her, I know its hard but it will help her understand and she might be able to give you some better advice on it. If you don't feel comfortable with her reading it while your there you could give it her at the end maybe?
Take care
x
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
She won't be disgusted with you at all! Many many abuse survivors find sex, intimacy and relationships difficult, but it can be got over. You've made so much progress in the past few weeks, you should be proud of yourself!
I understand how you feel about how writing about our abuse experiences and the affects of them feels very personal. It is a personal thing, and I'm sure that she respects that.
It's not stupid to find it difficult to seperate what's happened in the past with what's happening now. Some people at the point they are in healing can't even yet distinguish between what feels nice and what scares them. Everybody reacts differently and heals at a different rate. Your CPN won't call you anything nasty, she'll be proud of you.
If you ever need to talk to someone, my PM box is open and you know where I am. Look after yourself, and well done again!
hey both, thanks for the replies it means alot, you said some really nice things :)
I managed to give it 2 her, *weak smiles* I was so nervous and i told her i had written it and was nervous about giving it to her, and i was trying to explain things but i was just going around in circles so I just gave it 2 her. She read it and commented on it, saying she doesnt believe the names I call myself, and she nos that one day I will be able to get round this. She said that she understand why i think sex is wrong and painful but that one day i could understand that its none of those thigns and experience how it should be.
Another thing i was worried about is making my partner dirty. Im dirty and discusting, i care aboout my partner so much i dnt want her to be dirty because of me, alot of the time i feel so guilty that im so discusting and that im near her, my CPN said im not dirty and that I cant make my partner dirty, its just a symptom of what happened its not who I am, so that means i cant make anyone else that.
All in all she was fab as usual, she kept hold of it coz i didnt want it back and she said shes guna have a proper read of it when im gone, cz she didnt want to spend all the time reading it. Im just hoping it will be ok and maybe now she understands more, that something can be done to help coz this is starting to distroy me
' Your always going to have the hurt, you may as well use it'
'Writing can be a way of righting any wrongs that have been done to you'
'Scars tell a story of where u have been, but they dont have to dictate where u are going'
Well done sweetie and I am glad she was understanding, what she said is right you will get there one day and it will be worth all the pain. How do you feel about it now she knows?
You cannot make your partner dirty because you are not dirty, it is just a feeling and it is not real even though it feels it. It is normal to feel like that though.
She sounds really good, I hope you can get the help you deserve.
Take care of yourself love
x
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
Thanks miss pixie thats really nice :) I hope that one day things will be as they should, but right now that just seems like a dream xxx
' Your always going to have the hurt, you may as well use it'
'Writing can be a way of righting any wrongs that have been done to you'
'Scars tell a story of where u have been, but they dont have to dictate where u are going'
Hey hun sorry i didnt see this till now.i think your so so brave for having posted and also for having talked to your CPN and gave her what you wrote.Thats amazing and you should be very proud!i hope that it helps her to understand.i know she would never think badly of you and glad she handled it so way.After all youve been through its understandable that you feel dirty but you really are not and one day i really do hope that dream that you mention comes true for you and that you can experience things differently.i really do cos thats what you deserve.You shouldnt have had to go through any of this.Please keep fighting and working through this.We/i are here for you.x
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
