Heck, I can't sprint right now. I even feel like I need someone to do my shopping for me. How crap is that?!
No, my GP didn't really go into calories or anything. The main focus right now is enabling my appetite so I start to eat more and such. I am realising that I've not been eating properly for months. Some of that has been conscious restrictions due to stress, and 'need' for control and someone to physically see I'm struggling, and some of that from IBS, and some of it out of control ED stuff. I feel exhausted typing all that out, but the timespan realisation, I talked about that in therapy this morning too, and she said it's good that I'm seeing the reality now. It's no wonder I am so severely depleted.
Yes, things would be impossible if I had carried on eating the little that I had been. You're right that eating more can make me feel more exhausted. Partly because I'm making the conscious effort to recover, and I guess also because my body needs energy from food to digest food and that's a bit of chicken and egg right now.
Phew.
I really ought to tell my parents at some point, I kind of need their support. Emotionally rather than trying to ply me with huge amounts of food. I just don't know where to start. They do have some awareness that I have always had trouble with eating [right from childhood and in my teens and at uni and in my first job and so on] but they think right now I'm just contending with IBS. But I want them to know the truth. How might I even begin to tell them - they're in their mid-late 70s?
I don't know if this will help but have you ever read the Minnesota starvation experiment? It might be worth reading if you haven't,sometimes it helps people.
Can I let you into a secret? I once was helped home with my shopping by an old lady (as in ~65-70 y/o) Yeah its crap, but you're not alone.
Trying to avoid numbers but the majority of your RDA is taken up with keeping your body ticking over, even before you move. With that in mind its going to take a while to replenish and remember some kind thoughts for your body despite its faults its pretty amazing.
Now to the important bit, are you ok? what's going on this afternoon that is making you feel like this?
Nope, not read it. Will have a read when I'm feeling a bit stronger.
I'm feeling bad I guess because I still have a hard time taking on board how I am very unwell. I'm still alive. I can still think and feel. I'm not self harming in a scratching or hitting sense. I'm scared and not really sure what's going on. I don't get unwell. I carry on functioning while unwell. To show vulnerability in the sense of weakness, well that's... risky. Because of what people do when someone is vulnerable, they bully, or take advantage or whatever you want to call it. They find the fragile places and rub salt into the wound, make me ashamed of being me. Like my peers did at school, like the kids did when I supply taught. Like my ex landlady did.
Thing is I'm at the age when I should/need to help my parents. They're frail, [not totally elderly frail, but close in many ways], I 'shouldn't' be.
I just, I'm so scared. It took many months [years?] for me to get down this far not eating enough or right, and how the heck am I going to come back from this? I know I was 'ok' for some time, but with all the stressors recently, and then going over the edge in restricting and having loss of appetite and not really caring.. that's all pushed me down to where I am now.
Like now. I've been in all afternoon, after struggling through Asda and the tube home and then the walk. I didn't sleep, though it was close. I've eaten pretty good this afternoon and evening. I feel 'ok'. But the minute I have to get anywhere and exert myself physically, it pushes me. I get short of breath and feel so weak and sleepy and drained.
And I'm lonely. And my self worth is crumbly. I despair of ever having close friends.
And I so need close friends right now.
But I have myself to look after myself, to get through this - with the help of my therapist and GP, yes, but friends? I mean, I have colleagues I'm close to. I have random chats with my cluster flat 'mates', but it's like we're on different planets. They don't want to talk. I know it wasn't all rosy by a long stretch at my old place [this is like heaven in comparison in many ways] but at least I had someone to sound off of if I'd had a crap day at work or whatever, and could also chat about random things. I miss that. But that relationship is over. My vulnerabilities trashed it, kind of.
I want to go to work. It's less lonely there. But I feel crap. And I have no energy. And my professional mask, it just broke.
I want my Mum. I want someone to hold me and tell me it'll be alright. But it's not alright. It won't be for some time.
Crying now.
I understand your dilemma about work/being signed off. I think its hard to know what is best, in terms of depression, sometimes facing things can be easier. However, the fact that your eating has gone bad, and you are so physically exhausted/unwell etc, I think that you need to take that into account. You can self certify for a week, so maybe you could call in sick for a day, and see how you feel after that? By testing the waters, you may have a more definitive idea of what is best for you at this time.
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
My fears are mainly
- complete emotional and physical collapse
- what if my bloods are 'normal', and what if they're not? [and I still feel bad]
- what if there's something serious physically wrong with me - aside from the ED?
- the physical treatment I might need
- being alone, not having friends, having to motivate myself to recovery.
Worrying won't change the results, so although it isn't easy wait until you have them and then you can deal with it. You have a writing and walking group. If you haven't made friends that way find a different group that you could join. Ask some work colleagues that you like to go somewhere and start to meet their friends. There is a national group that is specifically for people to meet up and socialise but I can't remember what it is called. The women's institute is worth a look.
The thing is, I make connections with people relatively naturally, forming proper friendships is much more difficult for me.
I just got back from my blood test. They took 5 vials! It may have been 6, but I could definitely count 5... :\ I felt really badly faint straight afterwards, but the nurse was really good.
I'm having some early lunch, then I'm going to bed. Probably not to sleep, but I definitely need to like down.
My fears are mainly
- complete emotional and physical collapse
- what if my bloods are 'normal', and what if they're not? [and I still feel bad]
- what if there's something serious physically wrong with me - aside from the ED?
- the physical treatment I might need
- being alone, not having friends, having to motivate myself to recovery.
Whilst its normal to have fears,if you concentrate on them,they spiral,what started as a small splinter turns into needing something amputating.
The only way to stop physical collapse,is increase your intake,in any way you can,its not easy,i know that but there is only you who can do it. This will also help you emotionally feel better,honestly,malnutrition plays havoc with everything,it compounds emotional distress and then makes it a billion times worse.
Blood wise,what would be so bad about the being normal? At least you would know you haven't cause too much damage to yourself? Lots of people with anorexia have normal bloods. It doesn't invalidate the struggle,it means you can concentrate more on other problems than a crashing system. What if they come back off? Its probably due to being undernourished,yes,its a big worry-its one thing i worry about *but* worrying about it is just going to make you feel worse,if your blood tests do show things are a bit off,then eating more is the best way to bring them up to normal,alongside anything that may be prescribed.
Whilst having friends is good and they can be a help in recovery,most of recovery comes from you wanting it. You have to fight for you,friends can help, you could have all the help in the world though but if you don't make the changes and give it everything you've got then all that help is useless,if you can see what Im saying?
I know you'version had some really bad things happen to you bullying wine and things,which are similar to some of the things i have experienced and you *have* come a long way with the help of your therapist,i also think its great you are still trying to go to work.
But and its a big one,you need to concentrate on you,if you go to work and you're already feeling ill,work is also adding to your stress,its not going to help you try to recover,its going to make it harder. You'll be worrying what people think,what your manager thinks,that you can't do your job,your worried about collapsing etc. Its not helpful for anyone,especially you.
It takes a lot of time and energy to start fighting an eating disorder,it took a lot of time to get you to a point where you're now ill,so its not going to be quick or easy but it can be done.
First though and i know I've said it already but you need to increase your intake and bring your weight back up,slowly. Then you will have the physical and mental energy to keep working with your therapist,to go to writing group/other groups and make friends and to go to work.
To make friends,you have to go get them,find people with similar interests or think on similar wavelengths or something that you value and would like to see another person value. You'd have to move out of your possible comfort zone,fake confidence,get to know people,try different things,ask people out for coffee or something.
It takes a lot of....energy but if its something you want,maybe you could set small goals on how you could make it happen?with the help of your therapist maybe?
I know what I've written can come across as blunt,it isn't meant to be,its meant to come across in a more caring way. Your probably thinking no one can understand where you're coming from but people do,maybe not fully but there are people on here can really relate to your experiences and struggles,that are in similar positions as you are right now,this is where i am coming from,i know its not as easy as it sounds written down but every time you say "i can't because...." it gives an extra point to the eating disorder,the past,all the negative stuff.
If you go with "i can't because......but Im going to try anyway",its a point for you.
X
Having someone round for dinner or lunch, or going out shopping or to a coffee shop with someone. Feeling that I actually matter to the other, and knowing how much the other matters to me. The other wanting to be around me and vice versa, a choice on both sides.
There must be lots of different groups in london and I'm sure that even if you invited someone you already know and like they'd go out shopping with you or a meal. I'd assume the rest if they spent time shopping etc with me.
Whilst its normal to have fears,if you concentrate on them,they spiral,what started as a small splinter turns into needing something amputating.
The only way to stop physical collapse,is increase your intake,in any way you can,its not easy,i know that but there is only you who can do it. This will also help you emotionally feel better,honestly,malnutrition plays havoc with everything,it compounds emotional distress and then makes it a billion times worse.
Blood wise,what would be so bad about the being normal? At least you would know you haven't cause too much damage to yourself? Lots of people with anorexia have normal bloods. It doesn't invalidate the struggle,it means you can concentrate more on other problems than a crashing system. What if they come back off? Its probably due to being undernourished,yes,its a big worry-its one thing i worry about *but* worrying about it is just going to make you feel worse,if your blood tests do show things are a bit off,then eating more is the best way to bring them up to normal,alongside anything that may be prescribed.
Whilst having friends is good and they can be a help in recovery,most of recovery comes from you wanting it. You have to fight for you,friends can help, you could have all the help in the world though but if you don't make the changes and give it everything you've got then all that help is useless,if you can see what Im saying?
I know you'version had some really bad things happen to you bullying wine and things,which are similar to some of the things i have experienced and you *have* come a long way with the help of your therapist,i also think its great you are still trying to go to work.
But and its a big one,you need to concentrate on you,if you go to work and you're already feeling ill,work is also adding to your stress,its not going to help you try to recover,its going to make it harder. You'll be worrying what people think,what your manager thinks,that you can't do your job,your worried about collapsing etc. Its not helpful for anyone,especially you.
It takes a lot of time and energy to start fighting an eating disorder,it took a lot of time to get you to a point where you're now ill,so its not going to be quick or easy but it can be done.
First though and i know I've said it already but you need to increase your intake and bring your weight back up,slowly. Then you will have the physical and mental energy to keep working with your therapist,to go to writing group/other groups and make friends and to go to work.
To make friends,you have to go get them,find people with similar interests or think on similar wavelengths or something that you value and would like to see another person value. You'd have to move out of your possible comfort zone,fake confidence,get to know people,try different things,ask people out for coffee or something.
It takes a lot of....energy but if its something you want,maybe you could set small goals on how you could make it happen?with the help of your therapist maybe?
I know what I've written can come across as blunt,it isn't meant to be,its meant to come across in a more caring way. Your probably thinking no one can understand where you're coming from but people do,maybe not fully but there are people on here can really relate to your experiences and struggles,that are in similar positions as you are right now,this is where i am coming from,i know its not as easy as it sounds written down but every time you say "i can't because...." it gives an extra point to the eating disorder,the past,all the negative stuff.
If you go with "i can't because......but Im going to try anyway",its a point for you.
X
My therapist says I am malnourished. And you're right. I still have a hard time believing things are as bad as they are. It's like I'm in a parallel universe and I've been told I have something completely off the scale that I wouldn't have ever believed possible.
Yet, it is true that I have always had an eating disorder, and at times it completely flares up.
Typing that has exhausted me.
I want to try. I feel like I've eaten so much today, yet it feels my body and mind still feel unnourished.
I'm scared.
Food scares me. Not having food scares me. Falling off from recovery scares me.
Uh, yeah. Just I need to say that, because it DOES scare me.
Work does worry me. I don't think they realise quite how unwell I am. I've done my best to be honest. But.
Thing is, I also need energy that I don't have right now to explore more socially.
What does recovery look like? Eating yes, but accepting myself. That's hard.
I guess, I'm really depressed right now. If I knew how to switch things I would. I just need to trust in time and hope I suppose. Maybe.
Warning. This is kind of whingy. But I feel so bad.
I can't do this. Work that is. For a start I'm not coping well with public transport at the moment. And I feel so weak, like my legs are made of cotton wool, and my coordination is all off. And I feel drugged. And I'm sure people think I'm on drugs. I am paranoid, have dark circles under my eyes, and I'm thin. Well, kind of thin. I'm not on drugs, never touched the things. But the shame of people obviously thinking I am is really painful. It adds to my feelings of lowness.
I don't know what to do. I can't handle the customers very well at the moment. But my manager won't give me sick leave, and I feel wrong to take annual leave in the state I'm in. The way the logic goes, if I go into work obviously unwell, maybe they'll realise.
And I finished work at 1, but the tube was out of synch then there wasn't room on the first train that came so I had to wait and only got home half an hour ago, as I had to buy more food. [Sigh. My budgeting is off the scale right now. I can't afford to keep this up.] So I've only just eaten now. That left way too long a gap.
I feel terrible. I can't really cope with work but they'll say because I've been in a couple of mornings this week I CAN cope. When I am, barely. I haven't felt this unwell in a long long time. It's different from the flu.
I've got more to grips with the emotional side of things, but my body doesn't seem to be cooperating. I can't seem to gain strength. Maybe I am aneamic. It certainly looks that way. I have most of the signs. If not, then what?
I don't know what to do.
If I stay off work, I will have to get a sick note, but may not be able to get a GP appointment for ages. If I stay off work I will get more out of practice at interaction.
Katie, I think at least a part of while you feel so run down right now is because you are, like your therapist says, malnourished. As hard as it seems, and as difficult as it is to do, you won't feel better unless you increase your calories intake and start eating more healthy, balanced foods.
Has your manager refused sick leave? That doesn't seem right. It might be worth finding your contract or talking to your union rep if you have one.
Do you know what's making the budgeting off right now - the food stuff?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
