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Old 27-08-2014, 12:28 AM   #1
Roughy
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Using my ED as a crutch

Hi everyone, thanks for reading!

I'm back into recovery from a fairly recent ED relapse where I lost all the weight I'd fought to gain. I'm back into (hopefully) eating enough to get back to my healthy weight.

Recently though, I've been feeling guilt that I'm using it as an excuse for things. The past while I've struggled to concentrate on work, been moody and irritable with friends and loved ones, and have difficulty focusing and waste a lot of time getting anything done.

I've been putting it down to the symptoms of the ED and my low testosterone, but then I feel I'm just lumping all these problems together and sweeping them under the "I'm recovering from an eating disorder" rug.

Has anyone else experienced this? Do I just need to man up and get things done? I just worry I'm using it to blanket being a lazy, bad-tempered sod. :/

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Old 27-08-2014, 02:44 AM   #2
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Recovering takes pretty much all of your energy when you're first coming off a relapse. I wouldn't judge yourself too harshly if you don't have much energy to dedicate to other things!

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Old 27-08-2014, 02:54 AM   #3
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Have you thought about seeing a doctor about everything?



It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
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Old 27-08-2014, 05:55 AM   #4
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I get you totally on that Roughy and feel much the same in many ways. I think like recovery from any mental illness it takes time and gets easier but sometimes something like the support of a counsellor can help a lot. Do you see anyone at the minute?



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

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Old 27-08-2014, 06:02 AM   #5
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I get you totally on that Roughy and feel much the same in many ways. I think like recovery from any mental illness it takes time and gets easier but sometimes something like the support of a counsellor can help a lot. Do you see anyone at the minute?



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 27-08-2014, 04:51 PM   #6
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Thank you for your replies! I appreciate your understanding :)

I currently see a psychiatrist and my GP knows about it too. After many months of waiting I'm also finally on testosterone replacement, which is currently almost non-existent. The low T has been linked to moodiness and depression so I'm hoping that will help.

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Old 28-08-2014, 12:40 AM   #7
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So my psychiatrist phoned me today about a local dietician clinic that handles eating disorders. He then told me that he'd like me to try some antidepressants to help with my anxiety issues.

Now I feel more like a fake than ever, I'm not really depressed or unhappy or anything. Yes, I have some anxiety around food, routine, social situations etc, but not so bad that I need pills for it! My mood's up and down but I'm generally okay. :?

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Old 28-08-2014, 03:15 AM   #8
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Lots of medications have different effects, not just the name; antidepressants can be helpful with EDs too. It's up to you, but it might be worth trying.



It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.


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Old 28-08-2014, 11:30 AM   #9
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If you don't need pills then don't have them. Just stick to your normal diet and do not over think about rehab.

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Old 28-08-2014, 01:20 PM   #10
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Yeah, see I don't think I need them, but clearly history shows that I'm not the best judge of what I need...

Also my mood's pretty good just now but I know it can turn quite quickly if things go wrong.
This is what happened on the appointment with my psychiatrist before: I was in a good spell and basically told him I had no problems and was really motivated! Then a week passed and I was slipping back to bad habits.

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Old 28-08-2014, 03:36 PM   #11
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I've found the right antidepressant for you can help with anxieties in social situations and a little with food and routine. They can also just help to keep your mood even- they don't need to dope you up or have to be used as a crutch but can really help with maintaining natural buoyancy in mood



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 28-08-2014, 05:48 PM   #12
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Thanks LittleCloud, I suppose they're worth a try.

I have an appointment with my GP on Monday about a chronic upset stomach (my body isn't welcoming the increase in food ) so I'll get his opinion too.

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Old 29-08-2014, 12:23 AM   #13
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It's good that you're keeping an open mind. They might not be for you, but I've found they can be good just to keep myself on an even keel. See what you're GP says and if you do try them- antidepressants aren't there to dope you up so pain doesn't matter, but I know they can give you a boost to deal with the problem without feeling overwhelmed



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 29-08-2014, 06:09 PM   #14
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Thanks again, although it doesn't feel like I need them, I asked myself today "What if you weren't able to go to the gym today?" Or "What if you didn't have the ingredients for your bedtime snack?" I realised I'd get very upset and anxious.

The reason I feel fine is that I have my specific routine and can plan everything in advance, and nothing gets in the way of it. I realise this is an unhealthy attitude, but I think it's more important that I get physically recovered ASAP, and can then focus on addressing emotional issues. I hope that makes sense!

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Old 30-08-2014, 04:08 AM   #15
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It does make sense. I hope things go well on Monday. :)
It sounds like your thoughts are strictly related to routines and patterns regarding food and exercise. Do you find this impacts other areas?



It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.


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Old 30-08-2014, 06:14 PM   #16
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Appreciate that talaiporia :)
You're right, anxiety I have stems from not being able to plan my meals or not being sure if I'll be able to get to the gym. I think that's why I often feel there's nothing wrong with me! However if my structure was taken from me I'd be a nervous wreck.

It's certainly impacted upon my social life. A week or so ago I had an invite to Pizza Express. But I already had my dinner made up and felt like I needed to work until a certain time so I turned it down.
One of the main PhD social events of the year involves us going to a house in the Highlands for a couple of days, but I also had to cancel my place because I knew I couldn't get to a gym and wouldn't be able to choose what or when I ate, which sounded crippling.

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Old 31-08-2014, 10:25 PM   #17
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Ah okay. Would you be able to plan your meals out in advance, say weekly instead? It sounds like you struggle a lot if you deviate from your routines in any area.

Have you thought about speaking to a doctor about everything?



It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.


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Old 01-09-2014, 12:28 AM   #18
Roughy
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Thanks for your reply again! I do tend to plan my meals at the start of the day, log it all on MyFitnessPal and know the calories and nutrients that I get. Of course then if anything spontaneous comes up I tend to dismiss it at the expense of my social life.

My psychiatrist knows about this, which I believe is why he prescribed the anti-depressants to relieve some of the anxiety I have about breaking with my rituals.
All the same I feel a bit of a fraud for being given anti-depressants when I really have nothing to be depressed about.

Having only just become a member of this forum and looked at some of the issues people are facing I feel very guilty that I'm being given all this care and understanding when others with more serious issues are being dismissed.
I'll discuss this with my GP tomorrow as you suggest, he knows my issues too and has always been understanding in the past.

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Old 02-09-2014, 03:13 AM   #19
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Ahh okay. Sometimes a little spontaneity can be helpful.
I think it's worth giving the antidepressants time to work.

How did things go with your GP?



It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.


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Old 02-09-2014, 09:00 PM   #20
Roughy
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Thanks for asking :) My GP hadn't received anything from my psychiatrist RE the anti-depressants, which was disappointing, but he's going to call me on Friday to update me and discuss whether he thinks they're a good idea.

Spontaneity is something I've really struggled with. Had my bone scan in Dundee today. Just one little deviance like that in my day knocks everything off, have struggled to make the calories today. I brought a snack with me but I had to wait until I was in a comfy place and relaxed until I could eat it. I should've eaten more before I left too but didn't want to eat more than I usually do in the mornings.

Physical recovery is definitely going to come before my mental blocks subside, provided I can keep an ordered routine. Everything's gotta be planned in advance, but it's working.

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