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Old 15-09-2020, 10:22 PM   #1
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the shattered life (major trigger warning: sh,abuse, sucide)

the shattered life
by: darkwings44
( this story is also on my wattpad )
https://www.wattpad.com/story/241012550
chapter 1

as the sun was rising its bright light had not yet rose enough to fill its light in my still dark as night room with its light. As i got dressed i tried not to think of what i was. As i got my backpack ready for school my mom called me for breakfast "ok! im coming mom thank you!!!!" i said. As i was lost in my thoughts my dad yelled out" quit staring at your food and be normal for once!!! Do you want to to go back in the hospital??! huh!!!" i shook my head no... with its lock downs, its rules and hurtful people.... i dont want to go back in the hospital... not now and not ever......

After i ate breakfast i got my favorite music on my headphones and got on my black as despair and sliver as a razorblade bike and as i rode off to school i thought of what it would be like if i disappear into nothingness no more sadness, no more emptiness, no more hiding behind fake smiles and fake happiness, no more hurt...... but most of no more life.......just me fading away in the abyss of death.......

As i entered the classroom for 4th period the whispers filled the room. then all eyes targeted me. i started to walk to my seat.. then all of a sudden i felt someone trip me and i fell down to the ground. "ha ha ha! Have a nice time at hospital freak!!!" said one kid "every one of us knows what you did to yourself!!!!!" said another kid "try harder next time you just might die! we all hope you do!!!!" said yet another one..... Fighting back the tears from my eyes i stood up just then the teacher walked in the class and said "everyone quiet please. class is starting." i went to the back of the class... i sat in my desk and laid my head against the cold hard wall and once again was lost in my thoughts........

when the bell rang i slowly joined the ocean of people in the hallways while most of them go to lunch i went to the only place i felt safe..... the library. with all of its shelves of many books and its hiding places to go read its the only place where im not bothered by people. As i got all my favorite books some of them slipped out of my hands and fallen to the ground. i felt so stupid that i messed up again... "hey need any help with your books?" someone softly asked i replied" yeah...... um sure..." unsure of the motives behind the question, usually people dont talk to me here except for the librarians they so nice to me here.....

As she picked up the books she smiled shyly and said "my name is kaci what is your name?" i couldn't believe how beautiful she was!!! she was a medium girl with long brown curly hair with a black streak at the left side of her hair and she was wearing black long sleeves and black pants on "um....hi im zoey...... " i said quietly. "Do you mind if i look at your books?" she asked "sure!" i said gladly this was the first time I've seen another person like the same books as me!

"which ones?" i asked "this one thats my favorite book..." she said. i replied" its mine too!!! i think that the ending is quite puzzling though because the reader doesnt truly know what happens to the main character in the end..." "me too!!! although im leaning towards the ending being death why wouldnt the character do it!!! for one i know how it is be hurt by people everyday..... its pure hell......" while she said those last words i saw the same pain in her eyes as i do my own "look... youre not alone im also being hurt by alot of people everyday...... have you heard of east brooks hospital? i asked full of determination of making sure she doesnt feel alone as i do right now but also fear that she may not be who she says that she is....... "yes......... i went there for depression...... a few years ago why?"

"i also was there for a month then i went to the excel center of friends shade for out patient group therapy a few weeks ago because i failed at my death" i told her she then wrapped me in her arms in a big hug i think that i found my new safe place in her arms then suddenly the bell rang "hey lets get each others phone number" she said quickly getting out her phone.. i did as well after we got each others number we both said goodbye and with that i not only left with books i left with the only friend i have.....


Last edited by Darkwings44 : 15-09-2020 at 11:23 PM. Reason: added more to it


just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 16-09-2020, 01:39 AM   #2
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Well done! Your story line is easy to follow and it’s clear you really connect with your characters and their experience on a personal level. Maybe work on your grammar and sentence structuring in order to develop it further?





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Old 16-09-2020, 03:13 AM   #3
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thank you so munch!!!! *hugs you*
ill try!! =)



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 16-09-2020, 01:07 PM   #4
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It sounds really good and progressional, how much have you written so far



Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.

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Old 16-09-2020, 04:35 PM   #5
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thank you!!!
ive written alot so far i wanted to shorten the chapter so i could post more ahead of time!!


Last edited by Darkwings44 : 16-09-2020 at 05:20 PM. Reason: changed a word


just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 16-09-2020, 09:46 PM   #6
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UPDATE! im working on chapter 2 (its going to be a very triggering one so be safe ok?)



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 18-09-2020, 06:22 PM   #7
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FINSHED CHAPTER 2
but due to content i think that its best if ya'll read it on watt pad..
heres the link

https://www.wattpad.com/954050112-th...-knife-beckons


very triggering



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 23-09-2020, 09:12 PM   #8
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UPDATE! working on chapter3 ok?
it wont be as triggering as chapter 2 was I promise!!!!!!!!!!


Last edited by Darkwings44 : 23-09-2020 at 09:55 PM. Reason: added more to it


just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 24-09-2020, 01:10 AM   #9
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Personally I didn’t find it triggering hun and I wouldn’t worry about that. Trigger warnings are good so people can make their own decisions but don’t worry about expressing yourself





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Old 24-09-2020, 02:33 AM   #10
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ok im going to add chapter2 to here thank you!!



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 24-09-2020, 02:39 AM   #11
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chapter2

VERY TRIGGERING!!!!!! DONT READ IF EASYLY TRIGGERED!!!!!
The following content has been hidden - Reason : just to be safe
after school i went to my bike i saw a long small box on the seat of my bike as i opened it i saw a small retractable box cutter knife with a note wrapped around the knife said "why dont you cut with this my toy!!!! " as the fear surged inside of of my veins and throughout my body as i look for the one person who has tormented me all these years but no one was there...... and all i can think about is how she has told me that in many different ways that my mom wanted me dead! maybe just a few little ones that's all I'll do.. no i cant and how she made me feel like a little piece of dung how she spreaded rumors that hurted me! How she turned most of the school against me and got them to bully me as well...... i want to bleed so badly... no i cant..... i cant.... how everyday in the hallways she would call me a whore and a slut even though i always try not to show skin by wearing long sleeved shirts, a jacket and baggy jeans covering my body up to my neck but mainly all i think about is how right she was!!! everyone does wants me dead!!!!!!!! i am a little slut!!!!!! i am a little whore!!!!!!! everything that they said was true!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!. why else would they say what they said!!!!!! WHY!!!!?? ****IN WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????? I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! i quickly put the knife in my pocket and got on my bike and rode as fast as i could to the park near the school and went to the restrooms and grabbed the knife and pulled up my right arm sleeve and revealed sad, self hateful, lonely, angry, hopeless, guilty looking scars going in all directions... cut after cut after cut my thoughts inside of my trapped mind screamed out WHY DONT YOU JUST DDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !???????? I slashed myself over and over and over again until the calmness washed over me in waves and the screams in me of self hate quieted down to a whisper......

only after i cut i realized that these cuts aren't little or a few either so i dressed the wounds on my right arm with left over supplies in my backpack. i put the blade back in my pocket and pulled down my right arm sleeve once again hiding the iceberg of my real emotions beneath the water showing the fake happiness and the fake im fine! side of the iceberg on top....... i then decided to take a walk and think.... as i was walking and lost in thought i heard my phone ring from a text message that i got. its from a person who i was not expecting.... kaci

kaci: hey you alright? <3 im worried about you = /

zoey: im fine!!! see =) =) =)!!!!!!!!

kaci: i saw you rode away from school today..... what happened? you looked like something was wrong = /

zoey: you saw me? =(

kaci: yeah..... i did hun.. come to the parking lot. ok? please... lets go hang out and talk.... <3

zoey: .............um ............ok. =(

kaci: thank you so munch! =)

then i put my phone back in my pocket and while i walked to the parking lot of the park i was full of fear and questions... what do i do? what am i suppose to say? that i went to the park to self harm??? no!!!!! she will probably freak out and talk about it to people later on!!!!! there's no way that she will understand............ no one does ..............

when i got to the parking lot she was standing beside a black Volkswagen Tiguan searching for me i waved at her and when she saw me her beautiful brown eyes shown true concern as soon as i was near she hugged me and asked "hey zoey... are you up for some coffee and some poetry? my treat..." i said quietly "ok I'm going to call my mom to let her know that im going with you and I'll be home later ok?" "ok!!" she said happily

after i talked to my mom and she approved pf it.. kaci and me managed to get my bike into the back of her vehicle then we got into the car i asked "where are we going out to?" "we're going to the dark moon café.. they have the best white chocolate mocha ever! and every Wednesdays they have open mike night so i hope you like poetry" she said i replied "i love white chocolate mocha and poetry!!!!!!!!! "im glad sweetie!!!!" she happily said as we went to the dark moon café together...




just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 24-09-2020, 11:33 PM   #12
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UPDATE CHATER 3!!!!!!!!!!
the shattered life
chapter3 dark moon café
link to song playing in the background of car ride
(https://youtu.be/YTvIG6gHMh0 )


as we got to the café she looked up at the table where two boys were sitting and i was scared of being bullied again but i looked at Kaci and she reassured me that everything was going to be okay so I sat down with them and we ordered our coffee then one of the boys asked "what's your name?" I responded quietly "um...Zoey" "have you ever been to the dark moon café Zoey?" I shook my head no then one of the boys who had short black dyed purple hair who wore a dark grey hoodie said" you came over on a good day Kaci is going to read her poetry on the mike tonight. I'm Dante Andrews and by the way that's Damien Anderson" he said pointing to the other boy the had brown medium short white dyed patched hair who was also wearing a olive green jacket then suddenly the first announcement of the person to speak in open mike night was heard.. it was Kaci as her beautiful name was being called everyone snapped their fingers and when place finely got quiet she began speaking......

"hear me by kaci

hear me as i walk though this dark endless night
hear me as your words burn my heart like a cattle brand
hear me as all my pain is put on mute like a t.v. with no sound
hear me as the swirling darkness overcomes me
hear me as the silence engulfs me whole
CAN YOU HEAR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!???????

thank you all for listen......"

as she finished reading her poetry i was so awe struck by the way that the word were said and written so powerfully because i could tell that she was bearing her very soul with each word that was flawlessly spoken....... she came to the table and asked everyone "so what do you all think about it?" "little sis i think we all agree that it took alot of courage and you are truly amazing!!" Damien said and we all did agree with what he had said... i for one would be scared if i ever had to show my poems to someone in real life.. let alone a café full of people!!!

"thanks everyone i really needed that!!!" she said with tears in her eyes... as i watched the love and support of her family and friends flowing out from their hearts i couldn't help but think of wanting to be their friends too........ "i know you all don't know me very well but i was just wondering if we could be friends?"....... i was fully expecting them to laugh in my face because thats what most people do... i was preparing for the onslaught of laughter but then they did something that was different then what i had know people to do..... they all said "of course you can!!!!!!!" "really? thank you so much!!" i said as i joyfully hugged each of them. as we began to talk about life... i learned alot about them. like they were all in advancement placement classes and all met each other in different ways Kaci and Damien were brother and sister he is a freshman in collage studying to be a writer but since they are each others favorite family members they hang out together alot when he's home from school Damien and Dante met while in school and while im learning about them i start doing what i really didnt expect me to do.. tell them about me i told them a tiny bit about my hospital stay... but not all of it.... not about the only one who knows the real me...... definitely not about her...

as the time grows from day to night and our coffee went from full to empty we all part way me with Kaci and the two boys Dante and Damien by themselves "bye!" i said happily after i got in Kaci's car and told kaci my address i put on my seatbelt then we both sat in wordless silence with only the song cover in the background which was one of my secretly favorites until she says "no matter what.....i want you to know that im going to understand what youre going through and if i don't............... i will try my hardest to understand and also my ears are always here to listen to you but only if you're ready ok?" she looked at me with such a powerful galaxy filled with compassion and empathy that it rendered me speechless all i could was nod..

as i was lying on my bed i was thinking about the events of today i realized that kaci spoke like her... like rainbow wings today in her car!! so i tried calling her but she didnt answer her phone... while my mind raced like a speeding car on a racetrack with thoughts of how similar they were but soon after my thoughts calmed down after realizing that although they were similar they were also different rainbow wings was---- all of a sudden interrupting my thoughts my phone rang with a text from kaci

kaci: hey zoey sorry i didnt answer my phone when you called i was finshing some homework

(i had to think of something fast or else she would think something was wrong so i quickly texted back..)

zoey: im sorry to bother you but i was just wondering how you were after the café today?

kaci: im doing ok.. i just have alot on my mind lately ok sweetie? thanks for careing about me <3

(now i was curious about what she was thinking so i texted back)

zoey: like what sweetie?

kaci: everything and nothing at the same time but i dont want to talk about the details but thanks for asking though <3

Zoey: your welcome! meet me at the library tomorrow at lunch?

kaci: sure i will sweetheart! <3

zoey: you have the sweetest heart of all kaci <3

kaci: you too hun!! <3 *hugs you* good night!

Zoey: *hugs you too*

the next mourning at school i was in the hallways and i saw kaci in cozy looking grey arm warmers and black shirt with black jeans but instead of her smiling she was crying i said nothing and i hugged her and she hugged back we held each other without saying a word untill she calmed down and told me that two kids had done to her in the restrooms.... one forced her down while the other pulled out his dick and forced her to lick it but she didnt tell me who they were or why those monsters did or what happened afterwards though. but still i wanted to hunt them down and unleash hell upon them but i wanted to be there for her even more so i held her in my arms and reassured her that everything was going to be ok while secretly thinking about a way to open a gateway to the deepest depths of hell and throw those bastards in there.

as the bell rang we were forced to let go of each other "do you want me to walk you to your class? "i asked her "yeah id like that" she said smiling i love her smile! it was at that moment that i decided that i would show her a little fragment of my hidden shattered heart but i would do so in the place where we began.... so through the hallways to her class

we walked side by side and....

hand in hand


Last edited by Darkwings44 : 25-09-2020 at 04:48 PM. Reason: added more to it


just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 25-09-2020, 09:56 PM   #13
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UPDATE! im working on the next chapter!!!!!!!!!



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 26-09-2020, 01:47 AM   #14
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the shattered life
chapter4

authors note- music is from the part on the laptop <3
(music link- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_Kq-EUkkxI )

as the fourth bell rang i jumped at the sweet sound of freedom and ran as fast as i possibly could almost all the way on the other side of the school to be by kaci's side and hug her and the beautiful heart thats inside of her. as i hastily entered the library i saw kaci sitting down and i smiled but then i noticed that she was talking to boy but she didnt seem to enjoying his company at all... in fact it looked like she hated the very air the he breathed.. but after they stopped talking.. the boy kissed her and for a tiny spilt second she looked absolutely disgusted by him and his kiss..... but.. maybe not... maybe my wishing heart saw something that wasnt there.... it couldnt have been there........ im the only one in the school who is..... like this... after the kiss she smiled.. i decided that was best to leave before she saw me and also before my dying heart drowned even more in its own tears........ i walked out of the library and headed home.. it wasnt like any of the damn teachers really cared about me anyways... they just want me here because the school gets their funding by how many students attend school.. besides i wasnt feeling well anyways..............

as soon as i got home i went to my room locked the door and went on my laptop and put my headphones in the laptop and turned on my music on saw that she was online YES!!!! my heart flew high above the clouds and the stars all the way to the sun!!!!!! i sent her a message

Dark_night44: hey rainbow!! *cuddles you* i missed you so much!!! <3

Rainbow wings12: hey night i missed you too dear!!! are you ok? *cuddles you too* <3

Dark_night44: yeah now that im with you!!! yesterday kids at my hell gave me a tough day and after school ended hailey the leader of the bullies (middle school reserve officers' training corps and also my father only taught me that i am a worthless nothing!!) put a gift on my bike.. a blade. of course i still got it in my pocket....

Rainbow wings12: *hugs you* sweetie thats awful.... i understand about ROTC and about your father....... i think you should keep the blade.. you might need to use it later on... i still have my razor that i stole from my dad..... you know how life is......... ****....

Dark_night44: yeah.... i know you do thats why i love being with you *hugs you*...... life is pure **** and we need all the blades in the whole ****ed up world just to survive it........... but yesterday i actually made a friend IRL we hung out and stuff like that!!! shes so gorgeous and awesome!!!!

Rainbow wings12: *hugs you too* wait!!! thats great news! im so glad that you got a friend!!!! are they...... you know like us?........

Dark_night44: thank you!! but we both know that happiness is a fast fleeting moment..... i actually was going to tell her my secret in hopes that she was like me...... but.. shes not.... shes straight not... gay.. today i saw her kiss a boy... and she smiled afterwards..... so how are you rainbow?

Rainbow wings12: i had a great time yesterday i met this girl who is kind of like me... (bullied and suicidel) i told her a little bit about the hospital stay (not about you of course!) but i had to lie about the time frame just cause i dont know if i can trust her just yet........... my brother and his boyfriend both think i should come out and if shes....gay... that i should date her but i dont know if i could handle being rejected by her or hated by her if shes not like me.....which more is probably is going to happen....im the only one in my school thats... gay...... and what if my father found out about.......me..... he would hate me first.......then damn me to hell second... then probably kill me third. you know night?......

i knew all too well........ rainbows rich father hates gay people and extremely religious to the point where he made a god hates fags poster and protested against gay marriage and gay equality and still has the poster... he framed it on his wall.. even rainbows older favorite brother D is still in the closet....... the only ones who she came out other then me is her older brother D and that was only because he came out her first....... but her "friends" ( she has no real friends she can trust and be real with IRL) and family even her brother doesnt know that she cuts herself and that shes being bullied....... only i do......... she continued with her message....

Rainbow wings44: this mourning two of the jocks at my school made me do stuff to their bottom parts then they told me that they were going to tell my dad that im a faggot if i dont listen to them so.... of course.. i said okay and got out of the restrooms as fast as i could... i felt too overwelmed so i broke down and cried... but then the girl i told you about she was caring enough to comfort me...... i didnt tell her a whole lot of what happened... but so far today i kissed and blow jobbed almost the entire team........ and i keep hearing my dads word replay over and over in my mind..... i hate myself............

Dark_night44: i wish i could reach out and hold you IRL but im not ready to meet IRL..... talking to you i feel not alone and i feel safe to be myself with you and i dont want to let that feeling go..... im sorry........

Rainbow wings12: dont be sorry ok? i feel the same way..... here with you is my only safe place.... the only place that i can be me... where i can my true self.. without having to lie and hide.... and i really dont want to ruin that either....... lets just continue with our e-mails and instant messageing is that okay with you? <3

Dark_night44: yeah i totally understand and agree with you rainbow <3

Rainbow wings12: gotta go my school ends soon! *hugs and cuddles you*

Dark_night44: ok i will talk you later then!! *hugs and cuddles you too*

Rainbow wings12 signed out

Dark_night44 signed out


Last edited by Darkwings44 : 26-09-2020 at 02:37 AM. Reason: added more to it


just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 30-09-2020, 11:09 PM   #15
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Update!! Im Working On Chapter 5



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 02-10-2020, 10:50 PM   #16
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chapter 5
Authors note: the music is from the fight with the parents
( https://youtu.be/oHN3TPq1upw )


as i turned off the laptop i went to the kitchen to get a snack.. the familiar sight of beer bottles on the table greeted me oh **** he's home!! "you are suppose to be in school!!!!! not that it will help any!!!! youre so damn ****ing stupid!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW YOU MADE ME MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!" i dont even get a chance to respond im sorry before he starts connecting his hands with my body. punch after punch he yells curse words at me as tears fall from my eyes..... im laying on the floor as his feet are kicking me... in feeble attempt to stop his anger i try to say "please...stop..."then overwhelming self hate engulfed my worthless stupid being i brake down and scream at the top of my lungs .."YOURE RIGHT!!!!! OK!!!!!!?? I AM NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!" he says coldly smiling "i thought so....." then he stops his blows and goes outside and light a cigarette leaving me alone with my thoughts........

later on while im listening to my music my mom finally comes home from a long day at work "im going out." my dad says to her "tim i just got home ive been working all day!! whos going cook? HUH? im tried!!" she hollered at him "why dont you firgure it out!!" he growled at her she sighed and then said" what did she do this time?" "shes your daughter not mine!!!!!! im through with her!!" he yelled at her "shes just so stupid i cant stand it!!!!!!! IM GOING OUT!!!!!" she screamed at him "WHY?? SO YOU CAN COME HOME DRUNK LIKE YOU DO EVERY NIGHT LIKE YOU ALLWAYS DO?!!!!!!!" ""WELL I WOUNDNT NEED TO IF IT WERENT FOR THAT STUPID IDIOT!!!!!!THE ONLY ONE THAT I HAVE HOPE FOR IS SAMMY SHE ACTULLY CAN GO TO COLLEGE!!!!!!!" sammy is everything my dad has hoped for in a daughter shes smart, normal, happy and popular.. she is the princess in my dads eyes while im the worthless stupid nothing!!!!!!!! i looked at my arm damn it i dont have enough room!!!!!!!! i needed some release the only thing i found was a paper and pen so i wrote down a poem........

i know................

You smell like beer and cigarette smoke

I know im going to be at fault......

You look angry like a volcano about to explode
I know I'm going to be in trouble......
You yell my name
I know that There's is going to be a fight
You start hitting me
Pain erupts in my face
You start calling me stupid and idiot
Pain erupts in my heart
But I know I deserve it
Because I definitely know that......
I am nothing at all.


Last edited by Darkwings44 : 04-10-2020 at 05:17 PM. Reason: changed the link


just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 22-10-2020, 03:14 AM   #17
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UPDATE!!!!!!!! im working on chapter 6



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 19-11-2020, 03:48 AM   #18
Darkwings44
 
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authours note: (this chapter was really hard to write but i hope yall like it!!!
music link https://youtu.be/birrtUbd-CY )

the next mourning as i was getting ready to go school my phone alerted me to a small email from rainbow:

hey im going to surpise the girl that i talked about since i didnt see her in school almost all day yesterday and i am worried about her.... wish me luck!!! =D *huggles you!*

with a smile i replyed back to her email

dark_night44:

ok good luck rainbow!!! *huggles you too* =)

then after i emailed rainbow i left my room with the knife in my pocket just in case i need it..... and as i went to the living room i saw my dad asleep... more like past out drunk.. snoring mumbling stuff in Vietnamese i havent seen him since yesterday when he was going out...well at least i wont have to deal with him for a while...... after a quiet breakfast when i was going to head to the garage to get my bike i heard knocking on the front door so i opened it and was surprised to see kaci wearing a black jacket with a grey shirt under it and black pants standing in the doorway "hey there zoey!!" kaci said with a beautiful smile "hi.." i said sadly back remembering what happened yesterday at school but then again i dont have a right to be sad because she drove all the way to my house!! " i thought maybe i could drive you to school? i mean if thats ok with you? of course.." she said nervously "yeah of course its ok... "i said happily.. "awesome!!" she said smiling she then walked me to her car and opened the car door for me and i went in her car and found a white chocolate mocha and a nestle toll house little trouble cookie as she was going in her car she said "i got those for you if you like them..." i smiled and said "yeah those are my favorite thank you so much!!" kacis kindness is not of this world "your welcome sweetie!!" she said sweetly and she put on music

as she started to drive us to school she asked full of concern "what happened to you yesterday? you never showed up at the library..." "ummmmmmm........................... nothing......." i said quietly trying hard not to reach in my pocket for my metal healer as i remembered what happened with the fight with my dad tears streamed down face ruining my make up on my face.. suddenly the car stopped at a random parking lot and within a few seconds she was cradling me in her arms comforting me.. "its ok..... its ok.... im here... sweetie im always going to be here for you ok? its ok........" she softly said in a loving voice before i knew it i was sobbing and she too was crying we sat for what seemed like a moment of timeless eternity.. then we heard her phone alarm sound and she ignored it and continued to be by my side.. i felt horrible that i worried her...... horrible that she was stuck here in a random parking lot..... with me. a worthless nothing.... i have no right to make her worried... i have no right to be cared about... i dont derseve any of it!!!!!!! all i am is nothing!!!!!!!!!!!! even dirt has more value then me!!!!!!! i repletely said "im sorry.... im sorry.... im sorry... " over and over and over again until someone taped on the window and asked nicely "is everything ok in there?" she then wiped away her tears and turned around and said "uh... yeah... everything is fine!!!" then with that the person walked away from her car and continued on with their life without giving a second more of their time..

"hey sweetie youre safe now i promise.... i will never hurt you ever... sweetie.... its ok...." she softly said her words filled to max capacity of love and understanding as she turned to me and once again wrapped me up in her arms.. i cried until i had no tears left she and i were in a quiet space of mind untill she asked with concern in her voice "who hurt you?....." i was full of fear... "i..i.. dont know what youre saying...." i replyed back "who hit your face?" she asked full with concern and determination i looked in the mirror at my face and saw that the makeup was almost gone... "what you say to me i will never tell anyone ok? i mean it... it doesnt matter what it is i will never betray your trust ok?" i have to tell her....about my dad..

"you know how when we first met i told you that ive been hurt by aot of people.....well my dad....he.... he punishes me.... ever since i could rememer my dad and my mom allways fought over me... it was like a consistent thing but.. things allways have a way of getting worse when i was a little kid me and my father got into argements that lead him to kick me out of the house but my mom allways stoped him from doing so... he would allways say that my mom was the only reason why i live in the house.. if it werent for her then i would be in the streets with no one to take care of me and in 5th grade i remember asking my older brother something and when he didnt answer me i asked again because i thought that he couldnt hear me for some reason and the next thing i knew my dad pushed me down yelling out "quit asking such stupid questions!!" he got on top of me and slaped my face over and over screaming "this is the only way you learn stupid!!!!!!" my brothers stood there helpless watching him do it...ever since then hes been punsiheing me with his hands and legs i allways thought that this was how other familes were.. i had no way of knowing the difference.. i didnt have alot of friends to compare my way of life with theirs i still dont... it wasnt until i was a little brave that i asked this random kid in my 6th grade class if their father hit them of course they said no and asked why which then i said "nothing i dont know!!" and laughed it off like it was a joke but... it wasnt... every time i did something wroung i was punished and yelled at called "stupid" "idiot" threated with choping my arm off with a knife when i would ask my mom why he would do all of this she would tell me that my father grew up in a third world country most of his childhood life and thats how they are... my mom grew up in the united states in Kentucky and my dad grew up in vietnam in saigon but in the 8th grade of school my little sister was born and she was perfect to my father... she obeyed him.... she was smart she got all A's in everything.... she exceled in everything that she did my father slowly stopped hitting me only when hes REALLY pissed about me then he hits me.... mostly now he just calls me names like stupid idiot and would say why cant you be normal stupid why cant you be like sammy!!!!" no mattter what i did or do ever i cant be normal like her... those are some of the main reasons why i hate myself...and some of the reasons why i tried to kill my existance... i absolutely hate myself for being such a worthless stupid idiot!!!! IM WORSER THEN ****!!!!! AT LEAST **** CAN GROW SOMETHING BEAULTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO RIGHT TO EVEN EXIST!!!!!!!!! im worthless!!!!!!!!! WORTHLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! " by the end of what i had said i was already sobbing and kaci was speechless......


Last edited by Darkwings44 : 19-11-2020 at 09:47 PM. Reason: changed a few things


just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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