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Old 02-12-2011, 02:07 PM   #1
Buttercup.
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I'm homeeee from IP.

First of all, thank you ALL so much for all the support. I got all the mail and cards from everyone (as well as print ups of my facebook wall) weekly, and it really cheered me up. I love you all so much.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : just depressing reality about IP

Treatment. It didn't go so great to be honest. The entire time I was there I was either on strict bedrest or wheelchair rest and I did have a NG tube the entire stay. I did not do well with my meal plan. I had a few medical emergencies that involved me being sent out to the ER. And because of my lack of progress and weight gain and the stupidity of my insurance company, I was booted out yesterday. My doctor appealed it, but it got denied.


On a brighter note, it feels GREAT to be home. I am hanging in there and have a ton of aftercare set up. I will be seeing my PCP today (and weekly), I have my therapist I will be seeing weekly, I have a visiting nurse who will come daily starting today (meh, not too excited about that one), my CLM team, and I'm going back to the IOP program at the center for eating disorders (but likely if they didn't think I was well enough to do the program last time around, they might not take me, I will find out next week). But at the ED center I will have a nurse practitioner, therapist, and dietician as well on a weekly basis. SO, I do have a lot of outside support and I am meeting with somebody from the CLM crisis team today to check in.

I'm feeling alright. I saw the guy I'm dating last night I'm just going to take this day by day. And like my nurse from IP said, if the outpatient doesn't work, then insurance will have to pay for my return to IP. So, it really all depends on how I do and how all these professionals evaluate me.

Again, thank you all for the support and for the mail. Once I'm home from my PCP appointment I will try to send personal messages to ya'll <3

LOVELOVELOVE

Jess xo




I wanna stay inside all day
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Old 02-12-2011, 02:10 PM   #2
Cryptic.
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Yay! You're back! I'm sorry IP didn't go well, keep fighting darling, you can beat this bitch. You have tons of support in place, use it to your advantage, you can do this.

Love you!

*sends love and cuddles*
xxxxxx



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Old 02-12-2011, 02:18 PM   #3
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Hey beaut, im at work right now but will message you later. Im so pleased your home and have a good support system even though IP was difficult. *lots of hugs and love* gemz xx

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Old 02-12-2011, 02:22 PM   #4
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I'm sorry things didn't go to well at IP, but I am still very proud of you for even going and trying. You'll get through this, Jess. Just take it one day at a time like you said.

I love you so much and I'm happy you're around again..I missed you. <3








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Old 02-12-2011, 03:39 PM   #5
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Sorry that it didn't totally work out for you in IP but I'm still super proud that you went and tried it and stuck at it and YAY for all the extra support! You seem more positive about things? So thats great.



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Old 02-12-2011, 03:46 PM   #6
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Hey lovely,

I'm sorry to hear that IP didn't go well for you. :( It sounds like you're getting a lot of support as an outpatient now, which I'm sure will be frustrating for you sometimes but it is a very positive thing.

One day at a time is a good outlook, and you're not alone with all this.

Look after you <3 xx










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Old 03-12-2011, 01:59 AM   #7
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I'm don't even know what to do with myself. I'm spiraling so fast already. I'm realizing that nothing has changed.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : just all really depressing and discouraging
My PCP was pissy this morning. She made me feel like the biggest burden ever now that she has to see me weekly and I refused to be weighed.

The crisis clinician I saw made me see another nurse to check my vitals because she says I look like I'm dying. The nurse couldn't get my blood pressure OR pulse. Finally she said, "well, she's sitting up and talking, she must be alive." Back with the clinician it was just a disaster. Everything I said made her comment something like 'you know you're going to end up back in the hospital' or 'you're a nurse's aide, you know better than this.'

My visiting nurse is not impressed with me. She kept saying how she was horrified that I was discharged and that I'm going to end up dead if I don't stop this. She spent three and a half hours at my house and if I got a dime for every time she rolled her eyes at me or shook her head at me, I'd me a frickin millionaire.

My parents are acting like they wish I never came home. They won't stop with the comments about how I look and what I do wrong and how it's all my fault.


I don't know where to turn. And I've found out that my case manager I've been so close to for three years, Jenn...she's not a case manager anymore. She is doing other things now and I have a new case manager. My normal therapist the other Jenn is still on maternity leave. My team has crumbled. I feel so lost right now.

Please don't leave me. I really think I am giving up. This is like a flashback to the weeks leading up to when I was admitted. I feel pathetic and don't even deserve to be posting here.




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Old 03-12-2011, 02:09 AM   #8
All I know is falling.
 
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I don't have many words right now, but I will not leave you. I will be here with 100% of the way. Don't give up, please.








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Old 03-12-2011, 02:20 AM   #9
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I am not coping. I am seriously just sitting here praying to God I just float away. Jess isn't here anymore. I think all that's left of me is ED. It's crazy how in just over 24 hours without the tube feed my body is already feeling this way. I can't believe it's the weekend tomorrow. Zero support over the weekend. Why couldn't they have discharged me at the beginning of the week? I'm ranting. I'm stopping.




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Old 03-12-2011, 02:30 AM   #10
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love you jess <3



“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”

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Old 03-12-2011, 11:28 AM   #11
Emo
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That is a disgrace how they are treating you its don't matter if your a nurses aid or not you still need treatment and should be respected by the professionals they are being unprofessional if they are acting this way .
And you don't need to have there eyes rolling at you either.
You have every right to make a complaint about the way they are acting.

Sorry that your parents are treating you like this i guess they dont really know what to do them selves when you are home they probably want you to be healthy but don't know how to ask you what they can do for you.
Maybe you can talk about what you want with them sit down with them and talk.

Also am sorry that your team seems to be falling apart i know that its hard when someone leaves that you have known for a long time but hopefully this new person will be there to help you and i hope talk and treat you with respect.

We are all right here with you pm me anything if you need to talk and take care of yourself








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Old 03-12-2011, 07:17 PM   #12
winterjadedsoul
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*hugs* i'm sorry everything feel so rubbish at the moment. as said before, it is a disgrace how you've been treated.

i know how much it hurts when someone who helps you and that you trust leaves, i've been there, and it sucks. but try and learn to trust your new worker, as really, that is all you can do. it is damn hard, but you can do it. and who knows, they may be even better than the last one! (personally i think all medical professionals should be banned from having babies when treating me, but i guess that's not really fair lol!).

take care x

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Old 03-12-2011, 10:42 PM   #13
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oh jess, i wont leave you. none of us will. Please fight, the healthy and happy Jess is there, its just hiding from this bitch of a disease. Please keep fighting, im sorry you are being treated so badly, people have no right to make judgements, especially when they dont know what its like themselves.
Im sorry im a bit useless with words right now, but i wanted you to know i am here.
<3 <3 <3 xxx

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Old 03-12-2011, 11:26 PM   #14
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Jess, Sweetie, I will stand by you cheering you on every step of the way. Remember those hearts I put in your card, telling you, Jess, all those things about you. I didn't write them for fun. Stick them up, remind yourself of them.
The happy, crazy, caring, fun, awesome, beautiful Jess is still there, Fight for that. Fight for her because she deserves to be free.

I am SO SO sorry and angry that your team has let you down, time and time again. It is completely ridiculous that you were on a NG tube constantly in hospital and now they've left you with nothing. Your body needs norishment.

When does the IOP treatment start again?

And this statement
Quote:
My parents are acting like they wish I never came home. They won't stop with the comments about how I look and what I do wrong and how it's all my fault.
is so far from the truth.

Your family were so so proud of you for going in to treatment. Your dad was behind you so much (or atleast thats what we saw online) They really care about you Jess and if they are acting like the wish you never came home it isn't because they don't want you there because i'm sure they do want you there but it's probably because they are angry at the system, the want you happy and healthy, the care about you so much and want there daughter to be alive and well and reaching her full potential. Can you talk to them about how you feel? About what they can do to help you?

I love you Jess and I'd love to meet you one day. I know you can beat this! Keep fighting because I don't want the first time I meet you being at your funeral and I know that probably really hurts to hear that but I can't stress enough that you need to fight this tooth and nail until your better and if that means screaming, shouting and stamping your feet until you get the treatment you deserve then so be it!



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Step back, breathe and take it in




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Old 04-12-2011, 10:39 AM   #15
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Jess, please, please try to keep fighting. I understand how very hard it is, but pls try, love.
Sending you hugs and love anmd strength

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Old 05-12-2011, 12:22 AM   #16
Buttercup.
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Leigh <3 I do have those on my mirror <3 You are awesome.

Ugh :/ I just ate real food. Like a little bit of dinner. I feel like a failure.

I ended up in the ER last night/early this morning. I was having all sorts of fun things going on. I even got slapped for it. Just on my hand that she held after while we talked.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : boring. and details may trigger?
This nurse has known me since my first suicide attempt. She was the one who did the honors of saving my life, I guess. I ended up driving around last night to clear my head. And I ended up having to pull over into a church parking lot because I was getting worse chest pain and I could feel how tachycardic I was. A cop found me curled up half way out of my car holding my chest hyperventilating. Then ya know, 911 and the whole sha-bang. IV fluids because I was extrememly dehydated, hypoglycemic, and very hypokalemic and all this was putting my heart into some arrythmias and unsafe patterns. So of course I got some potassiYUMMMM chloride through the IV. A whole lot of it.
Finally, they let me go home/.

I keep talking to my parents and all they have to say is how I look so sick. And scary. THANKS MOM :) Thanks for reminding me that I am a monster. But really people are making comments like that wherever I go. I feel like I'm wearing a sign on my forehead that says "feel free to make me even more uncomfortable and self conscious by Some good methods here include staring at me like I have five heads or reminding me in front of everybody that I'm going to die from this." But basically, everybody wants me back in the hospital.

Nothing feels real. I think I've been dissociating in and out all day.




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Old 05-12-2011, 02:35 PM   #17
HopeRises
 
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Your parents are scared Jess, Your friends are scared Jess. Not because you look scary but because we are all scared we are going to lose you.

You are NOT a failure for eating some food. That is an awesome thing! You are helping your brain and your body live a little longer.

Have the insurance company budged at all? I'm glad the cop found you and you were able to get some treatment. Please look after yourself hun! Please!



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Old 05-12-2011, 09:10 PM   #18
Buttercup.
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The insurance company called this morning..but it was only my case manager wanting to chit chat.

I completely walked out of my therapy appointment today. I couldn't even get myself to speak to either Jill or Jenn. So I walked out and I'm not planning on showing up next week.

I didn't pick my prescriptions up. So, my visiting nurse is being pissy. She is on her way here right now.

I ate a little this morning. But I purged.

I think I'm going to cancel my appt at the ED center for tomorrow. I know that when she weighs me she's going to reject me from the program and refer me back to the hospital. I hate that the level of care you receive is based on BMI.

It's dumb. I just wish I could get outpatient treatment from them. But then again, I don't even think I want to be in recovery anymore. I feel like a moose and have very little motivation, considering everybody who is working with me is obsessed with numbers. How much do you weigh? How much did you lose? How much did you eat and drink? How many supplements did you take? How many diet pills did you take? How many, how many, how much. I mean GOD. Leave me alone. jfdkajfkldjafkl.

Nobody can force me to recover. I need to WANT it. And right now I'm not sure I do. Therefore, I need to stop wasting everyone's time.




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Old 05-12-2011, 09:26 PM   #19
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Nobody can force me to recover. I need to WANT it. And right now I'm not sure I do. Therefore, I need to stop wasting everyone's time.

-----

I struggle with this too. I go in cycles or wanting to recover, so I eat. Then after eating, I feel fat and I don't want to recover anymore, or someone is mean to me, so I feel like I'm not worth recovery etc. , so I restrict...then I restrict to the point where I scare myself and don't want to die/hurt anyone/move on with life/be in good health... (and the cycle continues)

Basically, what we both need to do is have a number 1 reason for recovering, writing it on a piece of paper and keeping it in our back pocket (on me at all times) so that I can be reminded of why I need to recover to attain my goals when I tell myself that I don't want to recover anymore.

I would really like to have kids one day. For this reason, I need to want recovery.

I hope this helps.... Good luck!
FYI - I'm on a waiting list for first-time inpatient treatment..... hope that it works out.

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Old 06-12-2011, 12:17 AM   #20
washedoutdreamer
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I'm sorry things are so frustrating. I wish that you could get the help you need and it wasn't all abot numbers and insurance companies and was just about you and the help you need.
I know it's had to want recover and you're right YOU have to want it. But I want you to remember what you said earlier, that you feel like Jess is gone and it's just ED. That's why it's so hard to know that you don't want to live this way. But try and remember the girl who loves to play with her cats and make crafts. Try and remember the girl who loves to write letters and make people smile and make her sister videos. Remember the beautiful girl that likes to shop and go for walks and built her own desk. Try and remember her. Because she's not gone. I know it because I can see her when you smile and when you laugh. You're still here Jess. You are amazing and so special and even if it's hard for you to see sometimes, I know you're not gone. I know you're tired and frustrated and hurt but I will hold you up until you are strong enough and even then I will hold your hand. Because I love you and you deserve to live like the happy, beautiful girl I know is hidden under all of the ED and struggle. I love you and I will always love you, I'm not letting go. *hugstight*



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