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Old 23-09-2014, 06:27 AM   #1
washedoutdreamer
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new job and feeling the pull of ed

I just started a job.
Training actually began Monday.
I'm excited and loving it.
But.
I'm also feeling the pull of ED.
I've been in sort of a dormant period with my ed for a few months now.
I never really went through recovery but my ed seemed to go on hiatus for four or five months.
But having put on some weight over the summer and with that voice back in my head...
I can see what direction I'm headed in.
I want to lose.
And I know with this job I can restrict without my family knowing.
And honestly when things are going well for me...like a new job...my ed seems stronger.
And I end up feeling invincible...like there aren't any consequences for my actions.
The only thing I'm worried about is coworkers noticing...
Because I'd be mortified if a coworker or HR 'talked' with me.



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Old 23-09-2014, 09:57 PM   #2
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It sounds like its about to go downhill for you. Your ed is trying to trick you. Please be very aware of this. Its time to stop it before it gets worse. About your coworkers finding out....thats the last thing you should worry about right now. There is alot more at risk here than an awkward conversation!
Your health, your relationships, your joy, your job, anything worth having.
I cant say it clear enough, there will without a doubt be consequences if you continue in the direction you are headed. And they will be huge too.
You will end up feeling drained, tired, unhappy, and full of regret that you werent able to stop yourself before it got so bad. You will find yourself so lost, dragged so far away by your ed, from everything. It will seem so far away that you will doubt your strength to ever return home again. This is what your ed aint telling you. No cause it only tells the sweet lies, that are so tempting to believe.
-BUT DONT. You deserve so much more than that.

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Old 24-09-2014, 12:20 AM   #3
LittleCloud
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I've been in that position earlier in the year and if you can, please don't. Talk to someone and try to stop before you lapse fully. I agree with Maybeline- a lot more is at stake than just an awkward conversation



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 24-09-2014, 03:23 AM   #4
washedoutdreamer
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I guess the hardest thing about it right now is that I did gain some weight over the summer so it doesn't feel like such a big deal right now. I know that's an excuse....but it feels like anyone I'd talk to at this point would just think me overreacting--because nothing's really happened yet.



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Old 24-09-2014, 06:07 AM   #5
LittleCloud
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It's hard. I'd gained a little before I started restricting before, but now my weight is down below where it should be just as it would if you were your normal weight. It all leads the same way when you do it the unhealthy way- better to just do a little walking or cut down one unhealthy food from your diet than let a relapse happen



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 24-09-2014, 06:07 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by washedoutdreamer View Post
I guess the hardest thing about it right now is that I did gain some weight over the summer so it doesn't feel like such a big deal right now. I know that's an excuse....but it feels like anyone I'd talk to at this point would just think me overreacting--because nothing's really happened yet.
Feeling like slipping into the ed is a huge deal. It does not matter that you gained weight. Its never right to listen to the ed.
And its not even about the weight gain. Its never about the weight when it comes to ed's. Though it really feels like. it is important to look what else is going on in your life since you need the ed to cope.
Maybe you feel you are under to much pressure?

I think alot has happend here.

You Feel bad about a weightgain so
You want to listen to the ed.
Considered how to hide it from your family.
Scared that your co-workers will notice. (And try to stop you?)
Just got a new job
And i dont think you really feel like anybody understands or listen to you.

This is alot to handle for you. It would be for anyone.
I think you need help.
You need to learn how to take your ed thoughts more seriously.
Cause if you dont they will take over you completely.
And you wont even be able to see it.
And you need someone to take you and your feelings seriously.
So you dont end up showing your unhappiness through weightloss.

When i read your post i get really really concerned about you cause thats exactly how an ed tricks you in. "Oh its not that bad, its not like it will spin completely out of control, it wont happend to me" sort of thing.

I thought like that once. "Its not that bad" "i am just overthinking this" "people dont seem to worry about me, so i shouldn't either.
"I could stand to loose some weight, afterall"

Now i live with daily pain. I got days where my intire body hurts so much that i cant do anything but lay in bed all day.
Instead of friends i now got doctors, nurses, socialworkers and a psychologist.
I can work 12 hours a week as a maximum. Three hours per day.
Two days in a row and then i need a rest day.
Beside that i am allowed a half hour walk a day.
And thats it.
And i want to do so much more. But its not even about being allowed or not cause i cant even do more than that. It drains me for all i got.

My energy level is so low that i am pretty much tied down in my house. My own home is becoming like a jail to me.

I could tell you so many things that the ed voice aint telling you.
But believe me, you will not end up feeling invincible.
You might feel that in the beginning but thats just the poison from the teeth of the ed. It numbs you out so it can do what it wants with you, without you being able to stop it.

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Old 25-09-2014, 12:33 AM   #7
washedoutdreamer
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A lot of that makes sense.
I guess the new job doesn't feel like a lot of pressure because I'm excited about it and really enjoy the training we're doing now.
But I don't feel so much like I have anything to say.
I've been kind of emotionally numb in a lot of ways for quite some time and then recently I've started to have the tiniest emotions--like they're muted or something.
Maybe that all has something to do with it.
It's just hard to convince myself that it's real enough to do something about when nothing has really happened yet--it's mostly in my head.
And I do have an appt with my counselor next Thursday....but it's the first time I'm meeting her. I had to switch because the one I was seeing couldn't see me anymore because I work during her hours. But I know I'm going to have a really hard time saying anything....because it doesn't feel real yet and because I don't know her at all.



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and Just Hold On....


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Old 25-09-2014, 02:30 AM   #8
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If you go from being emotionally numb to being able to feel it can make a huge difference. That's what made things a lot worse for me lately. Could you write a note for your new counselor if that would help. The fact that your having the thoughts makes it real enough to do something about really it does. Take care

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Old 25-09-2014, 03:15 AM   #9
washedoutdreamer
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It's still only muted feelings but I think that with the pressure of a new job is probably the cause.
I guess I just have trouble taking myself seriously when it comes to this. I'm good at supporting other people in the same place but it's so much harder with myself. I just can never get myself to the point where I can admit or believe that I have a real problem. I wish there were some trick to convincing yourself. I could really use that right now.



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Live Honorably and With Dignity
and Just Hold On....


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Old 25-09-2014, 06:30 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by washedoutdreamer View Post
It's still only muted feelings but I think that with the pressure of a new job is probably the cause.
I guess I just have trouble taking myself seriously when it comes to this. I'm good at supporting other people in the same place but it's so much harder with myself. I just can never get myself to the point where I can admit or believe that I have a real problem. I wish there were some trick to convincing yourself. I could really use that right now.
Maybe it could help you, to feel better about seeking help if you said that you asked for advice in a eating disorder forum and they all adviced you to seek help? And that they told you that, thats how their illness started, So that makes you a bit scared..
And maybe Say that you feel like if you dont get help it could end up badly.
Try to be as honest as possible so you dont end up covering up your problem.
They really should take that very seriously.

Maybe write down some of the ed thoughts you have?
And take it with you..then you can just hand her the paper instead of having to say it yourself. Cause that can be very hard.

And remember ed's are mentall illness, its all in the head. It got nothing to do with a certain weight. I read that most people with ed's has a normal weight.

I know its a hard step to take, but please do it:)

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Old 25-09-2014, 06:34 AM   #11
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Please dont wait for you to you really feel like you have a problem cause maybe you never really will. I still find it a bit hard to believe that i got sick myself. Its a part of the illness to feel that way. Its the ed talking.

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Old 26-09-2014, 04:37 AM   #12
washedoutdreamer
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you're right. I may never feel like it's a real problem. I guess I'm going to try and mention it to my counselor Thursday....but it's just going to be really hard because I feel like I'm at a point that won't even be taken seriously. Like not a whole lot has happened yet. But I did pull out my old ed journal yesterday to start writing thoughts and things I need to get out that I can't with other people, so maybe I'll bring that. But I kinda wanna wait a few weeks....because in the first week just seems weird to mention it.



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Old 26-09-2014, 05:42 AM   #13
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you're right. I may never feel like it's a real problem. I guess I'm going to try and mention it to my counselor Thursday....but it's just going to be really hard because I feel like I'm at a point that won't even be taken seriously. Like not a whole lot has happened yet. But I did pull out my old ed journal yesterday to start writing thoughts and things I need to get out that I can't with other people, so maybe I'll bring that. But I kinda wanna wait a few weeks....because in the first week just seems weird to mention it.
Please do not wait. I cant underline that enough. The sooner you get help the better. Great that you wrote some thoughts down:) thats good.
IF and only if you arent being taken seriously, they are wrong not to. It is still the right thing you are doing. Trust me on this one.
Your health and happiness is at great risk here and its right of you to be concerned and wanting help.
If you dont feel like they take you seriously seek help somewhere else.
Dont let it stop you. It would say more about them than about your problem.

I understand its really hard for you. Believe me, i do. you can be really proud of yourself for asking for help. Also that you are able to recognize the fact that your thoughts are unhealthy.
I didnt and i pay the price big time. So do everything you can to stop it as soon as possible. It will make the hard road back, shorter. Weightloss or not, the thoughts alone is so draining and hard to handle.
And you deserve better. :)

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Old 26-09-2014, 03:24 PM   #14
washedoutdreamer
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I'm not exactly concerned and wanting help. I''m wishywashy at best. Mostly I just feel like I should tell someone not like I want to. I guess that makes it all the more difficult. Because I feel like I'm going to end up saying that I've dealt with ED in the past and I feel like I'm starting to relapse but I don't think it's a big deal and maybe don't even care if it is. And that's really where I'm at....which I know sounds terrible....but I'm just not there yet.
TERRIBLY CONFLICTED.



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Old 26-09-2014, 05:21 PM   #15
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I'm not exactly concerned and wanting help. I''m wishywashy at best. Mostly I just feel like I should tell someone not like I want to. I guess that makes it all the more difficult. Because I feel like I'm going to end up saying that I've dealt with ED in the past and I feel like I'm starting to relapse but I don't think it's a big deal and maybe don't even care if it is. And that's really where I'm at....which I know sounds terrible....but I'm just not there yet.
TERRIBLY CONFLICTED.
I really dont think many WANT to tell they got a ed.
I sure didnt. You just kind of have to do it anyway.
In the end its not about wanting or not wanting to admit the problem.
Its about wanting or not wanting the problem to become your intire "life"
And why is the relapse not a big deal, you think?
Would you say that to somebody else who suffered a relapse?
A ed mind never feels like its "there" and "ready"
never really thin enough,
never really sick enough for help,
never really ready for recovery.


It would be wonderfull if that was the case though. But its just not.

That wishy washy state of mind comes with a huge pricetag.
I know. I paid for my wishy washy.

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Old 27-09-2014, 07:51 PM   #16
washedoutdreamer
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I think I'm going to try to mention it on Thursday. But I doubt I'll say a lot....actually I'll probably end up saying I don't want to talk about it yet, knowing me. And it might be in the last five minutes. But I'm going to try it. I'll let you know how it goes.



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Old 27-09-2014, 09:16 PM   #17
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I think I'm going to try to mention it on Thursday. But I doubt I'll say a lot....actually I'll probably end up saying I don't want to talk about it yet, knowing me. And it might be in the last five minutes. But I'm going to try it. I'll let you know how it goes.
I am the same way so i do understand you. My mother was with me when i had to tell my doc about it cause i knew i woulndn't be able to say much. Can you take someone with you?

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Old 27-09-2014, 11:54 PM   #18
washedoutdreamer
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I can't I'm going right before work and I don't think I'd want to have anyone there either.



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Old 28-09-2014, 08:24 AM   #19
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I can't I'm going right before work and I don't think I'd want to have anyone there either.
I have to be honest here. Just to make it clear. In the recovery process there are pretty much NOTHING called DONT WANT. Its all HAVE TO.

You got to learn how to cross your limits even though it makes you feel bad.

Everything that makes you feel good
Or feels right or what you feel ready for, you can forget about.

You got to see the bigger picture and do what will be for your best in the end.
-Not here and now

Some of The best advice i have gotten from recovered girls and i find to be true is:
Dont wait for you to feel ready cause you wont be.
Dont wait for anybody to save you cause they cant.

Recovery is soo hard. For everyone! It is such a struggle. But so is the ed. And at least recovery gets you somewhere, worth being. A ed does not. Thats why you got to put up with all the crap recovery throws in your face.

Like I break down in tears too. I cry my heart out and hate it all. I allow myself to hate it all for some time. but once i am done crying i still do what i know in my heart i have to do. I put my eyes back on the ball. I remember what i am. Fighting for. Cause it will all, in the end give me a better life.

And so it will for you too.

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