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Old 18-12-2011, 10:56 PM   #61
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Cancel your gym membership? I know at my gym we have a thing where you can freeze your membership and it costs a bit UNLESS you have medical reasons where you can't exercise. Check it out, it will make it less tempting. I know exercise is good but, not if your as sick as you are.



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Old 18-12-2011, 11:17 PM   #62
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I know I should..I just don't know if I can do it. I will definitely consider it though.I was thinking maybe I could find out if they offer yoga classes or something light so I can feel like I'm doing something to stay in shape.




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Old 18-12-2011, 11:40 PM   #63
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Quite honestly you need to do more than think about cancelling your gym membership. Be proactive and tell them you're not well enough to use it. If you can get money back, good, if not, well never mind, your health is priceless.

Yoga may be 'better' but far from ideal if you are hovering around a point where IP may be the only option left. I know your mom supports you in exercise but I think she deep down really just wants you to be happy and sees the temporary 'exercise high' as better than nothing maybe.

Maybe suggest ways she can encourage you that would be safe and fit in with your ED team's view of what is safe. Could she do something totally no food related with you in the evening after your dinner to keep you occupied?

Volunteer work is a good idea, but you need to match it with nutritional intake, you cant walk a dog when your weak and tired. You can't interact at the best of your ability when your head is starved and craving food.

Serious well done on eating a meal, you have done so well, use it to remind yourself of your caperbilities. I hear you doubt yourself a lot on here, but I know you can do this. Believe in yourself, it can be done.

I know it might sound harsh, but you devalue your excellent advice when you don't follow it yourself and I know you have the best intentions but the proof of the usefulness of your advice is in what you do, more than what you say.

Actions speak louder than words, and with your family it seems they have gotten to a point of not trusting you any more, trust has to be learnt back with experience. Only you can build that up. Share your successes with them and eventually they will SEE you're interested in recovery enough for them to start trusting in you again.

I know what I have said may come across as harsh, but I wouldn't waste my time writing this if I didn't think it could be helpful and I do care about you.

PM me anytime, xx

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Old 19-12-2011, 12:36 AM   #64
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I AM TRYING. I feel like everybody is just annoyed with me. When I give advice it IS from my personal experience. I may not acheive it everyday. But every morning I set goals and do my damn best to acheive them. I am tempted to delete this thread :/ I'm a waste of space.




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Old 19-12-2011, 12:48 AM   #65
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I did not say you were not trying, more that you could enhance the advice you give by remembering to read it back for your benefit too.

It would be a shame to not get something from it yourself. I do not appreciate you suggesting deleting the thread based on what advice has been given here. If you read it again you'd see I was saying a whole lot more, as have others about suggestions and encouragement. If you have a problem with it, PM me. Talk about it, don't just delete a valuable source of support when it doesn't go how you wanted. And I say that because 'firing' the people helping you is self sabotaging.

How about and what about staying in shape by eating well and having a gentle walk a day for the sunshine? Staying in shape is about health, be careful not to confuse it with staying underweight.

Again, all the best, my intentions were not upset you..

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Old 19-12-2011, 01:06 AM   #66
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I had legit reasons for discharging myself from different services I had. It it was actually helping, I would've kept them. I don't feel the need to explain everything. That wasn't my intention for this thread. It is not because of one person I am thinking of closing it. There are lots of reasons, mostly personal. I honestly cannot handle having my friends fight with me right now. Please, end of discussion. I will go away.




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Old 19-12-2011, 09:15 PM   #67
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You say we are making you feel bad with what we say? What about how you are making people feel bad with what you say?

Everyone who has posted has been supportive, given advice, shared personal experiences etc. This situation reminds me of how I was a month ago. I took what was written on the thread the wrong way and put a lot of backs up which you are starting to do too. I took a two week complete break from RYL and issued an apology to those who tried to help. And it payed off for me and I got my integrity back.

I am NOT suggesting you do what I did but as was pointed out to me, you have said yourself there are things we don't know about and you don't have to explain yourself all the time but when people don't know the ''full story'' you have to make allowances for things they may say which they wouldn't if they knew more.

When you give half a story you can't expect the advice given to you to always be sensitive or empathic and it is your porogative to keep some things private but in doing so you have to accept that sometimes people will say things that hit a nerve and without meaning to.

Come back to the thread, cut people some slack and instead of hearing all negative take in all the love and support and help that people have for you. We believe in you. We would not post if we didn't. We know your trying. And taking your own advice is very hard to do. I know that from personal experience, just ask the SH forum members!!



GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE


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Old 20-12-2011, 12:53 AM   #68
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babydoll,
I'm reading all this and right now I think it's not helping. I understand where you're coming from and your frustrations and I understand why other people are defending what they're saying. But what it all comes down to is this....you started this thread for support, to let people know what's going on, to get it out, to help YOU. And right now, it's not helping you sweets. It's creating this tension and it's to the point where it's frustrating you and making you feel like people are attacking you (whether that is their intent or not is beside the point.)
I think you should delete it. That's not running away, that's dealing with the situation in a progressive way. Start a new thread if you want. Or pm or journal. But don't keep this up just because people say so. It shouldn't be an argument. It shouldn't be something that makes you feel bad. And I'm not saying anyone ever intended it to be that, but that's what it is right now....and that's not going to help you at all. That's not what you need.

*hugstight*
Love you sweets. So much.



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Old 20-12-2011, 01:16 AM   #69
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Jess, if you don't like my post that's fine :) Don't delete a whole thread of support for you unless you really want to. I'd sooner delete my posts if it bothered you that much, just ask.

I wont post on here any more since if its not wanted then its not going to be helpful.

Take care and PM me any time, because I do care about you xxx




And washedoutdreamer, I believe intentions do count, and by suggesting its an argument, when it really isn't wont help the 'tensions' you mention either. I think there is a lot of compassion here.. Nobody is attacking Jess, nobody wants to! But your suggestion of other people 'making' someone feel bad is totally uncalled for.

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Old 20-12-2011, 02:41 AM   #70
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I never post on here anymore Jess, but I love you so much and I m so very worried about you - and feel really guilty that i haven't been supporting you like I should be. But please never ever forget my phone is always on and I care about you so much.
I dont know if your insurance will cover it, and I know its SO far away (it was for me too) but please consider giving Castlewood a call http://www.castlewoodtc.com/ its an AMAZING place, it seriously saved my life in such a profound and total way. I cant even express it, i dont think i would be alive if it werent for my time there.
<3 love you, call me x





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Old 20-12-2011, 04:18 AM   #71
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Oh Jess *cuddles gently*
Don't give up, ok? I know you said you want to get better but the ED is too strong right now, and its heartbreaking to see.. maybe consider IP sooner? I know you don't want to be in over. Christmas but maybe you need to be. I know you mentioned not wanting to upset your family but it sounds like they'd be okay with it knowing youre getting support.

Please, be careful x

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Old 20-12-2011, 06:27 AM   #72
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Thanks all, this really means a lot. I scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist for Thursday. So, I guess we'll see what he thinks. But I got on the scale today and saw that I have gained a little since IP...so I feel like a joke. A big, fat joke :( I just want to crawl in a hole. I'm too embarrassed to be seen by my doctor or any of my team. They are just going to think I'm too fat to have a problem. I know logically, I'm still really underweight...but it doesn't change the fact that I feel overweight and believe that others who see me think the same.

The thing that's tough is, my parents think that IP is what made me sick. They didn't believe I had an ED until they saw all the physical complications they found while I was IP. So, I feel like if I let them refer me IP again, my parents will just think that I'm attention seeking and dramatic. I know they love and support me..they are just weird about treatment. They are always SO negative about all my treatment. They openly tell me how much they hate CLM...they told me it was good that I couldn't go to IOP anymore, they were SOOOOO happy when I told them I discharged myself from the visiting nurse program. My dad just keeps calling them "professionals" all sarcastically and saying "I can heal you. I'm the only one who can heal you. All you need is logic and a knock over the head and you will be cured." He talks like that when he's drunk..but still, don't people just lose inhibitions when they are drunk and say whatever is really on their minds?

I'll shut up now.

Thank you all for your support. It means so much. I'm sorry to anybody who is upset with me.




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Old 20-12-2011, 10:39 AM   #73
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Just to let you know hun that I'm not upset with you. I hoped for my post to show that we can all get into a bit of a pickle in our threads sometimes, usually because emotions run high. But thats no reason to leave a thread. It sounds like you need all the help and support you can get at the moment and tbh it sounds like you are past being able to make your own decisions now and you need ''professionals'' to make them for you. xxx



GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE


Don't let the sphincter's get you down


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Old 20-12-2011, 08:47 PM   #74
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Thank you both <3

Yeah, I'm not doing well today. I didn't weigh myself which is a positive, I suppose. I really can't get rid of the scale though..it's actually my dad's. My dad is obsessed with working out and weighing himself as well. At least my mom keeps it in the closet after an incident before I went IP when she actually broke it and threw it away because she was frustrated with me sitting in the bathroom for an hour with it. So it makes it less tempting.

I'm not sure I'm ready to gain weight..but I'm sort of trying to realize that the weight I want to be is ridiculous..and the weight I'm at is unhealthy. My friend actually sent me a text kind of putting things in perspective about how much she would weigh if she was at my BMI and I was shocked at how ridiculous it sounded. So, I guess thinking logically about it is something I need to work on. I just always see myself as the exception to things. Like you'd be unhealthy at that weight, but I'm fine and such.

I've been trying to take the things my dad said to heart less. I am doing better with it since I first found out about it. Before I couldn't even be in the same room as him without crying.

And you are right fragile as glass, emotions are definitely high. And I'm naturally a really sensitive person, so I'll try my best to not get upset about posts that shouldn't even be upsetting.

Love you all xo




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Old 21-12-2011, 06:29 PM   #75
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When we are in a bad space we can read so much into posts that are not actually there. I've been there and got a lot of backs up and pissed a lot of people off but luckily thats all sorted and water under the bridge now but a lesson I learned : )

Also don't forget that we don't know everything about you (and don't expect to) so some posts may seem harsh or unfair but they are based on what the poster does know so keep that in mind.

I'm glad you replied to the thread and didn't leave it xx



GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE


Don't let the sphincter's get you down


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Old 22-12-2011, 01:07 AM   #76
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I hope the day improved Jess. Congratulations on not weighing yourself. I'm also glad your not taking what your dad said so much to heart.
And although you say you aren't doing well, that post seemed more positive about keeping things in perspective and things.

sending lots of love your way!



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Old 23-12-2011, 09:11 PM   #77
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Thank you both xo

I was dumb and stepped on the scale. I just can't stand it. I feel like the amount of weight I've gained since discharge is written on my forehead. And everybody is staring telling me how weak I am for letting this happen.

And my appointment with my psychiatrist went okay. He wants me to go to my gastroenterologist though. My digestive problems are getting worse. It's just going to be weird. My PA from the GI office is the one who referred me to the ED center.




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Old 24-12-2011, 03:11 AM   #78
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Stepping on the scale doesn't make you dumb. It means you went back to what you're used to and feels comfortable. It doesn't make you dumb. You're not dumb love. *hugs*



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Old 24-12-2011, 02:41 PM   #79
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I don't believe any one is looking at you or is going to look at you and think your weak for putting on a little bit and I'm sure that's all it is. What you must remember is you are still dangerously underweight.

I don't think your 'dumb' for stepping on the scales, It must be uber hard to keep off them and I think you did well for having that gap where you didn't. Now it's time to lengthen the gap.

I'm glad the psych appointment went ok, and I hope you found it somewhat helpful and I hope you make the appointment.

Lots of love and merry christmas hun!



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Old 27-12-2011, 04:35 AM   #80
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I allowed myself to eat unsafe foods on Christmas Eve day and Christmas. I struggled with it all, but I did not engage in any ED behaviors. I promised that I wouldn't.

Today, I've been telling myself I'm fine and stuff. But here I am back to counting calories, restricting, and I'm abusing laxatives again..this time basically to cleanse my colon of all the crap I ate the two days before. I've also started something else stupid that I haven't done for quite a while. But I'm not even going to get into that here because I feel like an idiot.

Today I ate more than I planned to which was really upsetting..it was basically because my mom made a big soup with homemade bread. So, that put me over my safe, planned out amount of calories I wanted to eat.

I don't even know what I want at this point. I kind of want to cancel my appointment at the ED center for after new years. I feel like it's pointless. I don't even like my team there. I just want my CLM team. And I know therapist Jenn is coming back within the next couple weeks. I don't care if they don't specialize or have a dietician and nurse practitioner. I'm sick of talking about food. I'm sick of being weighed and not told what it is. It's humiliating and gives me those nightmares about me sneaking a peek at the papers and seeing that I've gained crazy amounts of weight. I'm babbling. I'll stop.




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