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Old 09-12-2011, 08:28 PM   #41
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How are you doing now sweetheart? Been thinking of you heaps, love you so much, only a pm/fb away <3<3

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Old 09-12-2011, 08:54 PM   #42
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Things are not good :( I got kicked out of IOP because I kept having panic attacks and 'fleeing.' Also...last night was BAD.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering
After my last time 'fleeing' IOP, I decided to overdose. My vitals and labs were horrendous. I was in the ER for quite a bit last night, but I managed to get them to believe that the whole thing was an accident. So, once my potassium and selenium levels stopped decreasing and my o2 sat was back up without the oxygen, the doctor let me home. I am still feeling the effects from the OD. Pretty badly.
Didn't really want to share that because I'm ashamed, but I might as well be honest.

My doctor doesn't know what to do with me anymore. I don't know what to do with me. She is calling my ED center to discuss my options I guess. It's just hard when I've given up on myself. I'm basically just a ball of self destruction at this point. And I am selfish and hate myself for it.




I wanna stay inside all day
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Old 10-12-2011, 12:15 AM   #43
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I think you subconsciously want us to say ''no, no, you're not selfish and you shouldn't hate yourself'' I don't think that would make a difference.

You sound like you've given up and want to be left to die.

I don't know what on earth is the best thing to say to you except that I don't want you to be a statistic. Another anorexic death.

Plus you have more friends than I could ever dream of having. How about looking at the GOOD points and things in your life. Everything you have to lose. You are lucky. At least you are getting help. Well being offered it and blowing it. What good will that do you? And why on earth blow your chances of help. In the UK you have to be almost dead before you're even considered for support.

Nothing I have said is to guilt trip you. It does not tend to work for most people anyway. You could still have a future, a happy one but the ball is in your court, your destiny in your hands.



GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE


Don't let the sphincter's get you down


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Old 10-12-2011, 08:00 PM   #44
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Jess,, it makes me so sad to see you like this.
I don't think anything I or anyone else says to you will help because only you can change your frame of mind. I wouldn't know what to say anyway.

Just know that I'm thinking of you & praying you work your way through this.

You're a beautiful,, intelligent person & the world is a better place with you in it.

Much love! <3



Well content loves the silence, It thrives in the dark,
With fine winding tendrils, That strangle the heart,
They say that promises sweeten the blow, But I don't need them,
No, I don't need them...


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Old 16-12-2011, 09:59 PM   #45
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Jess sweetheart, how are you doing? Been thinking of you heaps, really hope that you're doing better. Love you so much xox <33

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Old 17-12-2011, 02:52 AM   #46
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Hey love. Thank you so much.

I'm up and down. Mostly down. I've been going between complete restricting and eating what seems to be a lot to me and abusing and ODing on laxatives, diet pills, and diuretics. There is no middle ground for me.

I thought my ED center was completely going to discharge me after my incident running out of IOP, but the director actually called me yesterday. She wants me to come back in. I told her I couldn't handle IOP and she said that she still wants to see me and how I'm doing physically since I've canceled ALL of my appointments with my mental health center, PCP, and I told my homecare nurse not to come back so she d/ced me.

I told her kind of how I was doing and she told me that it sounds like I need to be IP. I was upset and told her I really wanted to be home for Christmas..so she agreed to make my appointment for after the new year if I agree to at least see my psychiatrist in the mean time.

And the bad thing is...I was supposed to see him today....I COMPLETELY forgot. I know he'll probably try to squeeze me in next week...but he's not the easiest to get appointments with.

So things aren't the best. But I'm trying to hang in there.




I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away


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Old 17-12-2011, 06:16 AM   #47
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Thinking of you

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Old 17-12-2011, 07:30 AM   #48
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love you sexypants <3333



“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”

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Old 17-12-2011, 11:49 AM   #49
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If you don't want to be IP you know what you have to do. It's not as simple to do as it is to say to do but that is all that will keep you out of IP.

Hope that made sense.

Hang in there, show that fighting spirit you have, contact your psychiatrist to apologise and say you forgot and rerarrange and be home for christmas.

Love Liddy xx



GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE


Don't let the sphincter's get you down


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Old 17-12-2011, 11:59 AM   #50
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^^agree with Lidia. Pls try to reach for that help, much as you dont want to/it wont let you.
thinking of you (all)

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Old 17-12-2011, 07:58 PM   #51
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Thanks guys. Your support means everything.

I REALLY am trying. It's just the stupid impulsivity I have taking the pills and stuff. It's like in the morning I will be so determined to follow my meal plan. I'll accomplish bits and pieces of the plan...but then I just feel so heavy and full and I can't handle it. Like I know the calories are in. That is done. But I just want the physical heaviness of food out. I just don't know how to handle this all. And I know I haven't gained a lot of weight. But I have gained a little bit...and. it. kills. me.

Monday I'm calling CLM about the appointment. Hopefully that goes over alright. I just wish that there was a partial hospital program close enough for me to go to. The closest one is an hour and a half away (not including the rush hour traffic of BOSTON). Not going to happen. If things are still out of control I'll agree to go back IP..it just sucks because I feel like I'm just going in circles.

I did contact my old case manager next week and I'm going to start IMR hopefully next week.

I hope you are all doing well, love xoxo

PS- Carmen thank you for telling me. I will text you later <3




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Old 17-12-2011, 11:28 PM   #52
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IMR is illness managment recovery. It's like you learn about your illness and make goals to manage your symptoms and recover I think? I had it in the hospital before. It's not bad. Basically like therapy but with different modules and stuff.




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Old 18-12-2011, 03:57 AM   #53
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Not really. It's individual this time and it's more focusing on education about your illness and goal setting. I'm just not sure which illness they are going to focus on I guess. I don't know if Jenn has any training in ED. I mean, I'm not really struggling with any non-ed related behaviors anymore. Guess it doesn't really matter.

I never completed the DBT I dropped out, but I think that was more about learning skills so I think it's different?




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Old 18-12-2011, 09:38 AM   #54
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I know you're right. I mean right now all of my behaviors are related to ED. And physically it's pretty obvious that it is a huge struggle.

I'm just doing so bad. Like, I know I've gained a little weight since I've been home.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : graphic triggering
And it kills me knowing that I'm not "emaciated" anymore..(that is so ****ed up, I know).
It's just so hopeless, I'm trying so hard to actually at least follow a couple pieces of my meal plan each day. I figure starting small is better than nothing. But it's like this:

The following content has been hidden - Reason : pointless, triggering. just me complaining about my reality.


When I do eat (ANYTHING no matter how small or what it is), I get that
horrible bloating and just discomfort..nausea, fat belly, the whole bit. And I'm on a bunch of different stomach meds both for upper and lower digestion. They do nothing for the bloating which is really painful. So this triggers me to purge or overuse diuretics and laxatives..just for the purpose of getting the food out so my stomach pain will go away. Of course the overdosing always makes it worse, but ED tells me it's better that way and I'm impulsive. And then when I don't eat, my body gets weak so fast and I get to the point where I can barely function. Not that I really function well when I do the alternative. It's really frustrating. I know I have the Ensures..I'm supposed to take them on top of the meal plan ick, no. I know I should at least be trying to keep these down. But instead, I'm going to keep them in the basement fridge until the end of eternity.


Logically, yes, I know what I have to do. But in reality, my ED is calling the shots. I'm not strong enough to win the fight.

And please don't make any comments about me not wanting to get better..because I do..and it's a struggle everyday. If I didn't want to get better I'd probably be dead by now. I'm just really hurt..I accidently caught glimpse of an email conversation between my dad and my aunt where my dad said some really demeaning things about how I'm just a "pussy" and he rambled on about how I'll never get better and how I'm selfish and such. Reading that really hurt me and I'm very depressed and angry and confused.

I'm still hanging on and I'm hoping that this goal setting IMR thing with Jenn will help..I just honestly, I don't know how to find a middle ground between these two extreme behaviors. I don't know how to be okay with feeling heavy and like I'm overweight when in reality I'm very underweight. I don't know how to break this cycle. It's not working. And my physical state isn't helping :( And it's all my fault.

I think I just want a hug. But I don't deserve one. I'm a selfish pathetic loser.




I wanna stay inside all day
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Old 18-12-2011, 10:08 AM   #55
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Hi
Haven't spoken to you before I don't think but have been following your threads and I'm sorry your struggling so much but I believe in you and it's never easy. Just keep reminding yourself you don't want this! And here's some *hugs*. <3

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Old 18-12-2011, 11:24 AM   #56
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Hey jess, just wanted to say the heavy feeling Does go away after a while, it was horrible when i went ip this time at first but after a bit i didnt notice it, but without regular food the feeling will constantly return.
Im feeling a bit like you at the moment, dont see anyway out of this, but i know there is and i know it has to come from me, and i have the ability if i want it enough. Maybe IP would be the best for you? If you are willing to give it everything despite feelings etc it could work, but without putting everything into it it cant. Anyway that will take a lot of thought and honesty with yourself to figure out what you want and how much you want it
xx



You dont need to destroy yourself anymore, we all know you were good at that,
now retire from all that hard work you do
of bringing pain to those sweet eyes and heart

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Old 18-12-2011, 11:59 AM   #57
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Often we can't see our own logic but can see others.

There is another ED thread running atm where the OP is struggling. You gave some good advice. Take it.



GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE


Don't let the sphincter's get you down


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Old 18-12-2011, 02:12 PM   #58
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All I can suggest if fight the urges to take the laxatives etc. Yes, you are impulsive but it doesn't have to be that way. You don't have to give in. You have a choice wether to take them or not. Sit with your family after eating, talk to them, try the ensures and maybe even give them the pills. You are strong enough to do this and I think, the more you eat regulalry, the less the stomach feelings will be.

And if it is still hard and your still participating in these behaviours, then IP is probably best.



Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in




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Old 18-12-2011, 04:25 PM   #59
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I don't know if this would work for you but it did for me sometimes. Put all the laxatives and dieuretics and that in a box. Tape it shut. The next part you can do or have someone else do for you if you think that'd work better. Have a note affixed to the box for that panicked moment when you go for it. Have reasons why this is not what you want. Have reasons why this is a temporary feeling and you can handle it. Have a list of good things in your life and reasons you are special. Have a list of things you can do that can calm you down and ways to deal with the feeling. Have a list of people/places you can go for support.
I'm not saying it'll always work or that it's a perfect solution....but it can help with the impulse. It makes you think first. You have to promise yourself you'll read the note before you open the box....but it can help. And it allows you to keep your "secuirty blanket" so to speak. Because it's hard to give that stuff up. But if you give yourself a way to stop and think and it's not just impulse...you give yourself a fighting chance of overcoming the impulse.
*hugs*



Be Strong, Be Smart, Be Proud
Live Honorably and With Dignity
and Just Hold On....


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Old 18-12-2011, 10:52 PM   #60
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Thanks guys <3 It helps a lot. And girl, the box idea is a good idea. I might have to try that. I might help making a list of reasons I'm special though..I'm not feeling very good about myself at all.

My family situation is really bad at the moment and they all work really late and I'm home alone during the day, so it is difficult to put myself around people after meals. My parents have started the whole tough love thing and are refusing to be involved with my treatment. They are "laying down the law." I don't blame them. I suck. Sometimes I try to go for a walk or a drive. But often that ends in a trip to the store and me buying more stupid items. I know I have a choice. It's just that sometimes I'm just feeling so low that I don't care about myself enough to make the right one.

I really think that getting my support team back in place is going to be helpful. And I'm also planning on starting to do some volunteer work at the hospital or the animal shelter. I thought maybe that could provide more structure to my day so I have less time to be doing behaviors. I've also been looking at colleges to see if maybe I could start doing at least a few classes to start in the fall..maybe it'll give me more motivation and structure in my day to follow through with recovery oriented stuff.

Also, I'd like to share...I have done a complete meal from my meal plan today! Minus the ensure, but hey, I ate. And I'm doing well distracting right now. I'm feeling a little bit positive.

I realize I should take my own advice. And I often do. It's just really hard. But lots of the advice I give is things I use in my own experience. It's just hard sometimes to actually follow through. But I'm trying.

At the moment, I'm trying to resist the urge to go to the gym. I know in moderation exercise can be good..but I've been told by my doctor to limit physical activity because of my heart problems. So it's kind of a struggle. My mom supports and encourages me to work out, but my treatment team does not at all.




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