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Old 16-01-2020, 05:22 PM   #41
one_step_closer
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It's ok to vent and you don't need to reply in any specific sort of way. This is your thread, do whatever is helpful for you. I can hear how overwhelming things are for you. I often go to say "I can't do this any more" but realise that I can but I don't really want to and I'm so tired of having to fight, so I know that feeling of just putting up with things. What happens in between the waves? Is anything helping you get a bit of peace at all?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-01-2020, 07:56 PM   #42
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Thank you, I really appreciate that. It's so hard to know what to do sometimes? Like, I really don't want to die. I just want to get better but I'm so exhausted. So scared that things won't get better at all.

There is some calm between the waves. Usually it's just a tired feeling but more in 'adult mind' and very different to being in the waves. In those times I can manage fairly normally. It's quick-shifting but quite unpredictable at the minute.

In the throes of the last distress episode, I made a poor choice and ordered something very unhelpful off the internet. I feel relieved but terribly disappointed in myself as I was trying so hard to keep myself safe this week (I suppose effectively I am still achieving that).

I'm trying to tell myself it's not the end of the world and I have a few days to weigh up my options and try to make a decision, but it's worrying me.

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Old 17-01-2020, 03:01 PM   #43
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I understand not knowing what to do, I feel it's like being trapped. Has anything been getting better for you at all over the years? Are you having a tough period right now? I hope you can continue to stay safe, could you cancel the order or is it too late? What options are you considering?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 19-01-2020, 12:54 PM   #44
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Thank you, I'm sorry it took a little while for me to come back.

Things have definitely got better over the years. I think it's just a tough time at the moment and a fear of things not getting better and perhaps a certain selfishness that I'm tired and want things to stop. It's not all of me, just part of me. Part of me knows I need to carry on. There's just a lot of conflict and exhaustion I think.

Re options I'm considering taking the order to the pharmacy as it's due to arrive tomorrow. I think I will really struggle to do this though (does anyone know what happens if you take medication to the pharmacy?) I'm also considering talking to my therapist which I probably will do but I'm very scared I'm going to get into trouble. The other option is just not telling anyone.

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Old 19-01-2020, 01:58 PM   #45
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I have taken medication that I had saved up to the chemist before, you just ask if they will dispose of it and they put it in a box. I think lots of people come in with meds they don't need any more. I understand the conflict around getting rid of things though. I think you should try and talk to your therapist whatever you do, they can't help you unless you're honest about what is going on.

I don't think it's selfish at all to want a break from fighting. Life shouldn't be about having to battle through things so much. Anyone would be tired. I hope that the part of you that wants to carry on gets stronger and is able to find a way to make things better. You can do this, I know it hurts but you're obviously trying to work through things with your therapist and that could lead to a very positive outcome.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-01-2020, 07:12 PM   #46
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Thank you xx I ended up taking it to the CMHT for the secretary to give to my therapist. I feel very uneasy and don't know if it was the right choice but I guess I can just get more. At least I'm not sat here having a battle about taking it. I'm trying to accept things as they are. I'm just so tired.

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Old 20-01-2020, 07:43 PM   #47
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I'm glad you took it to the CMHT, I can understand being conflicted about the decision but I think it was the right one. Don't let that be your battle now that you don't have to battle about taking it or not. You're allowed a break from fighting additional stuff. Are you taking things easy or doing anything nice for yourself today?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-01-2020, 11:36 AM   #48
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Thank you. I'm trying to tell myself that if things get too much suicide is still an option. I don't know why I feel so compelled to act on it now. Nothing stressful is happening. I'm not even really distressed at the moment, more just blank.

Last night I had a hot chocolate, and this morning I've had a shower and washed my hair. I need to do some cleaning and might go out for a walk and get a coffee. It's yoga tomorrow and I'm apprehensive about that as it was difficult last week, bit I've text the support worker to say I'll just try my best.

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Old 21-01-2020, 05:37 PM   #49
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I think I've said this to you before but the blankness (I call it emptiness) can be just as painful if not more painful than some distressing emotions. I know technically it doesn't seem to make sense but I think it's true. Is hopelessness a feature of your blankness?

How have you been managing today? I hope yoga is better for you this time around.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-01-2020, 09:02 PM   #50
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Thank you Lindsay. I don't know what to make of everything at the moment. Feel risky but no good reason to be. Just emotionally shut down and lots of thoughts of ending things. Yoga was much better this week.

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Old 24-01-2020, 12:11 PM   #51
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I hope you can stay safe at least. If it helps to post here please keep doing so, even if you don't feel like you can properly explain things.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-01-2020, 03:38 PM   #52
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Thank you. I'm not doing too well at the moment. I've text my CPN to see if she has five minutes for a chat. Don't know what's wrong with me. Just trying to sit tight and not act on anything.

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Old 24-01-2020, 04:42 PM   #53
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I'm sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment. Did your CPN get back to you? Actually forcing yourself to stay sitting in one place can sometimes be helpful if you think you might do something risky if you move. Try and keep your mind busy though if you can. Sometimes feelings are really huge and seem unexplainable or you can't figure out what they are or where they've come from, but in this moment all that is important is that you look after yourself.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-01-2020, 06:59 PM   #54
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Thank you. I spoke to my CPN and she was kind. She can't make it better. I can't make it better. I feel so unsafe. I'm going to take extra meds and see if it helps but I feel like I'm delaying the inevitable.

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Old 24-01-2020, 07:03 PM   #55
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I know that feeling, I'm so sorry you're being tortured right now. I think when you have mentioned taking extra meds before they have helped so that sounds like a good idea. (This is your PRN, right?)





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-01-2020, 07:06 PM   #56
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Thank you xx yes, it's PRN. I don't even know if I want it to help because it just means more future to face. But I will try. I know and am sorry you understand *hugs*. Wish it would get better for all of us.

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Old 24-01-2020, 07:08 PM   #57
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I hope your future will make your battles worthwhile. It's ok to try and ease the pain in the near future, if you were to do something serious it might just cause you more problems.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-01-2020, 12:49 PM   #58
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Thank you. I've been acting on stuff a lot but I'm still not dead. I called the crisis team last night and then text them later. They told me to distract myself.

It's an incredibly lonely place to be. Nobody can help me. I can't help me. It's a trap.

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Old 25-01-2020, 02:04 PM   #59
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It can feel like a trap, I know. I'm really sorry you feel so awful. Telling you to distract yourself doesn't sound that helpful, did they allow you to talk things through too? I know it doesn't always help but just getting things out to another human can ease things a little. Will you keep reaching out to crisis if you need to? Is there anything we can do? Please do your best to stay safe, you're worth it.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-01-2020, 02:31 PM   #60
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Thank you, you're very kind. I'm struggling a lot and don't want to worry anyone here. I doubt I'll keep reaching out to crisis, I've tried everyone now. D, my mum, friends, therapist, CPN, crisis team, Crisis Text Line and Samaritans. This isn't going away, at least I've tried I guess.

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