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Old 06-01-2020, 11:28 PM   #61
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Thank you, that is a good point! It may be helpful to think about neutral stuff in this context because I won't feel guilty about it.

I'm really overwhelmed re: work. I took today off sick(been very anxious, physically blah, and involuntarily SHing). I was gonna go tomorrow but my face is swollen and I don't have the capacity to cope. Trying to distract so I don't make plans to burn.

My plan is to take tomorrow to recharge and go back on Wednesday. I have a meeting in another city (1h by train) and I don't want to miss it.



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Old 06-01-2020, 11:53 PM   #62
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That sounds like a really good plan. It's not wrong to take time off if you need it. Sickness from work can mean both physical health and/or mental health things and be valid.

Is asking for any type of accommodations for work an option? Sorry if that is rude to ask, I don't know what your job is.



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Old 07-01-2020, 02:34 AM   #63
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Thank you for the reassuring words. I stress about taking time off because it adds up too much. Especially now, since I had three weeks off for Xmas (although they were all hours I'd worked overtime and was allowed to claim back).

Also taking more time off means I have more to catch up with(I have quarterly targets which I am behind on due to unforseen circumstances) & that is anxiety inducing.

That is not rude to ask at all, it's a perfectly justified question + by law (here in the UK) employers have to provide accommodations if you are disabled (which long term MI counts as). I am not sure specifically what to ask for, but maybe if I talked to my helpful colleague she could help me figure it out...



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Old 07-01-2020, 01:52 PM   #64
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Talking to your helpful colleague sounds like a plan. There is lots of stuff online about reasonable adjustments at work too if you're looking for some info. There is a leaflet by SAMH here (link) which is a Scottish charity but I think it will probably still be relevant.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-01-2020, 06:53 PM   #65
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Thank you, that is helpful to read <3

It's hard to remember the good things when I'm down, but tbh my workplace is lovely and very accomodating. I work for a charity and everyone there wants to help others.

I haven't spoken to my colleague yet but I think I will next week. I have a bit more of an idea what sort of things I need help with.

*

I've been feeling so many conflicting emotions. There's a lot going on and it's hard to make sense of it all.



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Old 10-01-2020, 07:16 PM   #66
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I'm glad you have a supportive workplace. I understand how hard it is to remember the good things when you're struggling so much but I'm glad you do recognise that there are good things.

What are you feeling? What's going on? Would it help to write things here even if it turns out to be a big jumble?

What do you need right now?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 13-01-2020, 08:24 PM   #67
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I'm really struggling to focus (why I haven't been on here much).

My moods are fluctuating a lot. I'm struggling to be alone. I spent the first half of last week playing video games and the rest around people.

Not much of a routine; loads of uncertainty. K(partner) is going through a tough time so she is acting differently/struggling to communicate. P(partner), as usual, doesn't plan things in advance with me, but does with others.

*

Tomorrow is a difficult day(PTSD/grief stuff). I haven't told anyone but have arranged to see a friend & their pets. I have to go to work in the morning though which is stressful.



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Old 14-01-2020, 12:27 PM   #68
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I hope your day goes ok and it helps to see your friend and their pets. If you need to talk about anything we're here.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-01-2020, 08:18 AM   #69
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Seeing my friend & their pets helped. But then things went downhill a lot. Kind of had a couple fights with P. We made up & they apologised for stuff but it's left me very shaken. More nightmares.

I'm doing rather badly. I don't think I can resist urges.



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Old 15-01-2020, 11:53 AM   #70
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I'm sorry you're struggling right now. Do you think you can at least lessen the damage you do to yourself if you can't resist the urges? Please do keep trying to resist them though. Can you think of anything that would help right now?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-01-2020, 02:27 PM   #71
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Thank you. I'm doing that thing again where I compromise with myself - "I'll do Y instead of X, because X would have more severe/long lasting consequences."

My main motivation for not giving in to the more harmful urges is that if I needed to be off sick for longer than a couple days at a time, it wouldn't be good. I'm struggling at work as it is and it's hard to catch up after being off. Plus I'm extremely concerned about having to potentially deal with the DWP as they've been racist/xenophobic to me before and denied me benefits I was entitled to because of that.

I'm trying to keep busy(that's one of the things that help) but it's hard.



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Old 15-01-2020, 03:40 PM   #72
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I hope you can keep yourself as safe as possible, I know it's hard. Is there a new project type thing you could busy yourself with? Like choosing a room to sort out, or getting objects and resources together to make a safe/soothing/distraction box?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-01-2020, 06:08 PM   #73
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I have been thinking of things to incorporate in my routine to keep me busy. But it's hard because the more ill I get, the harder it is to focus or have the spoons for certain things. So for instance I can't read as much as I'd like to :(

Been thinking about this for a while & I think I will get a pet snail which I would love & I hear is not too expensive to keep. (I know a bit about animals and enjoy researching them; I was doing a zoology degree years ago.)

But I don't think having a pet or more to do will keep everything at bay though. Because I'm not really getting better and there's more and more stressful/upsetting things piling up. It doesn't balance out.



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Old 15-01-2020, 06:13 PM   #74
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Also, Lindsay, I did decorate a jar for the Positives Jar thing you've mentioned. I enjoy looking at it and, when I can, writing positive things on patterned paper. I have found it helpful!



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Old 15-01-2020, 07:10 PM   #75
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That is difficult, needing to be busy to stay well but then having less focus when you're becoming more unwell. Are there any really easy to focus on things you can be doing that still keep you occupied? Getting a pet does sound good, you can get lots from animals (although a pet snail is something I've never even heard of!). Of course it wouldn't be a cure though. Is it because of the extra stuff piling up that you feel like you're not getting a chance to get better? What does better look like to you? I'm really glad you're keeping a positives jar and it's helpful, I hope you enjoy looking back at the things at the end of the year.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-01-2020, 09:33 PM   #76
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Twitter has been my main distraction when I couldn't focus recently. But I feel like I'm wasting my time & could be doing something more productive/intellectually stimulating.

It would be a Giant African Land snail. They're...exactly what they sound like! Their shells can get up to 20cm long (although I'm pretty sure I want a slightly smaller one). Very cute (to me anyways); I used to keep garden snails as pets as a child, always loved them.

Yeah, I feel like I'm giving a lot of myself to cope with new/stressful things all the time & can't recover from that since there's always more around the corner. I need a lot of structure & some level of harmony/peace in my relationships/in general. Unexpected things and change make me ill/more ill. Things are all over the place now.

<3



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Old 16-01-2020, 12:36 PM   #77
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I know what you mean about feeling like you're wasting time, but spending time doing something that is distracting you from distressing thoughts/urges/acting on urges is a good thing. Once you get your focus back you can be doing more things that you feel are worthwhile.

It would be good if life could be paused so you could take a breather and regain your strength but obviously it can't be. Do you think things will eventually settle down? Are your partners supportive of you at the moment? Are you getting any other support?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-01-2020, 12:55 PM   #78
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I know, it's just I've wasted so many years and I really want to be productive. Having a routine/deadlines would help me with that but I struggle to set my own.

I don't think things will get better this year. I have trigger dates somehow spread "evenly" in the year (Jan, March, June, July, October, December) so I can't ever be fully okay. I'm waiting for surgery which means I can't change my GP(wouldn't be in the right area), so I can't access much support locally. And it's a really intense time, with Brexit and having to sort out my immigration status, getting new ID, and funding for uni...

Things aren't great with my partners. It's exacerbating everything. P is being...unsupportive for lack of a better word. Doesn't even know or want to understand what's happening. K is a bit unwell at the moment, so it's hard, she can't really offer me much support and I'm worried about her. And M doesn't really get it, and we don't see each other as often, even though I like spending time with him.



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Old 16-01-2020, 02:00 PM   #79
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Would it be helpful at all to have group type set goals? Like that thing where you draw something specific each day or using Goodreads to set a goal for the number of books to read this year and work towards that? What sort of things would feel like productive activities to you?

It sounds like you have a lot going on and a lot that you are worried about coming up. Do your trigger dates always affect you negatively? Are there any voluntary organisations that could offer you some support?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-01-2020, 04:10 PM   #80
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I have considered doing an art challenge again, but I wouldn't be able to do it every day so I'm not sure how to organise it otherwise. I need to read more because I want to go back to uni, but I struggle to do that without set deadlines. I think I might try to set my own deadlines and see if I can stick to them. Reading would be one of the most productive things I'd like to do tbh.

Yeah, the trigger dates affect me very negatively. It's very hard to avoid the reminders and I struggle to cope/my PTSD symptoms get worse & more intense.

Re: charities, I'm not sure. There's Mind, but I haven't found them very helpful in the past... I've been thinking of getting a private therapist but there are barriers.



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