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Old 02-01-2020, 10:32 AM   #1981
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Sending you my love, wish I knew what to say x

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Old 02-01-2020, 03:53 PM   #1982
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What would you say to someone else who said they had to overdose because some 'men' had told them to?

Would the crisis team count as kind people that you'd want to talk to about your feelings? If so, maybe we could talk about how to communicate what you need to them.



Well find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 02-01-2020, 07:52 PM   #1983
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Thank you all.

These are not just some men, they are an integral part of my life and have a lot of power over things. Even if they hadn't told me to overdose this time round I still know the importance of doing that to protect other people and to punish myself so I would still hope to do it. If it was someone else who said they had to overdose to protect people and punish themselves I would of course not want them to do it and would suggest doing something more seemingly realistic to help other people and would say that it's not their job to protect people and that people can't fully be protected. I am totally different from everyone else though, I am worthless and am only here to suffer and to try and protect people.

The crisis team are visiting to introduce me to the new staff. On Saturday my previous key worker will be visiting with a new member of staff and it would be good to talk to her as I feel like she understands and listens but I don't know if I'll get the chance to properly talk to her about what's going on. It might just be a general chat like happened last weekend with other staff. I don't even know what it is I need and I don't believe anything can be made less distressing. I want someone to truly hear me though, hear how horrible things are. I hate feeling alone with all of this.

I'm physically unwell today but I hope that tomorrow I will be better and I can be brave enough to overdose. I hope I can stop being selfish and accept the unpleasant outcomes that overdosing will cause for myself.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-01-2020, 07:55 PM   #1984
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No word but thinking of you.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter


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Old 03-01-2020, 10:29 AM   #1985
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You ODing will not help anyone. I hope you can stay safe x



with Christ I hang upon the cross

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Old 03-01-2020, 03:07 PM   #1986
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Thank you both.

I feel like I'm going to crack up but it will all happen inside of me and no one will be able to help. I'm struggling to occupy myself and make decisions about what to do. I still don't have any Aripiprazole. I'm physically better today but haven't bought anything to overdose on yet partly because my local hospital is so busy and they'd hate me if I had to go there. I don't know if I'd be able to overdose anyway, if I could keep anything down, since even the thought of overdosing makes me feel sick. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I can't get any peace from the other world or from myself. And I so badly want to cut it all away. I miss good self harm. I can't deal with this any more.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-01-2020, 09:31 AM   #1987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by one_step_closer View Post
These are not just some men, they are an integral part of my life and have a lot of power over things. Even if they hadn't told me to overdose this time round I still know the importance of doing that to protect other people and to punish myself so I would still hope to do it. If it was someone else who said they had to overdose to protect people and punish themselves I would of course not want them to do it and would suggest doing something more seemingly realistic to help other people and would say that it's not their job to protect people and that people can't fully be protected. I am totally different from everyone else though, I am worthless and am only here to suffer and to try and protect people.
What makes you different to everyone else? I believe that everyone has inherent value so no one is worthless. It would take a lot to convince me that you are somehow an exception to this rule!

The sad truth is that there is no 'magic' way to protect people. We can do what we can practically to help vulnerable people, but something abstract like taking a lot of pills cannot have any protective effect on other people.

Are these men more insistent/present/loud when you don't have aripiprazole?



Well find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 04-01-2020, 12:39 PM   #1988
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I just hate myself so much. It's as simple as that. Even without the men etc I would still hate myself.

If I overdose it will focus some negativity on me and take it away from other people. My punishment will stop the bad stuff from coming out of me and infecting other people. I still haven't bought any of the specific stuff I can only take though, there was none in the shop I was in this morning which is a pathetic excuse. I woke up this morning really tired and told myself not to overdose because I'd be extra tired in hospital, which is also pathetic. Once it gets to the evening I will regret not buying anything.

I think things are different when I don't have Aripiprazole, I think I obsess a bit more about other world stuff. It's hard to be clear about things when people ask me what changes over periods of time etc for some reason. Antipsychotics block some of the communication channels so the men can't communicate so easily. My Aripiprazole has been sorted out now but the chemist only gave me one days worth not two days to do me over the weekend because they were probably confused about what day it is after the holidays so I only have enough of all my meds for either tomorrow or Monday. I'm not going back to the chemist to tell them some are missing, it's not that important.

I'm stressing about my cats, I'm so glad I don't have children. One of them sometimes regurgitates his breakfast and I've tried so many different ways of feeding him to get him to eat slower but nothing is working. I cancelled a plan I had at the vet because I wanted to change to a vet that is closer to where I live but the new vet isn't replying to my email and the cats are due their flea and worm treatments. I bought non prescription stuff but I think I'm going to just have to go back to the old vet and get the prescription stuff. That means I'll have to phone them to join the plan again and then phone back once the plan is paid for so I can order the treatments. It's so stupidly overwhelming.

Crisis are coming out at 2pm. I probably won't be able to say much to them. There's nothing to say anyway. It's easier to write here and interact than it is to interact in person.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-01-2020, 01:17 PM   #1989
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Negativity doesn't come in a quantifiable amount that gets shared around. If you overdose it will be adding to the negativity in the world, not protecting other people from experiencing it. And that's the unfortunate power of negativity - it has a compound effect. That's how I see it anyway...

As for the vets, could you go to the vets and speak to them in person rather than over email or phone?

It is easier to write here than in person, I get that. But it won't get you anywhere other than going round in circles. I hope you can speak to crisis today. Nothing worth doing is ever easy.

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Old 04-01-2020, 02:17 PM   #1990
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Overdosing is still punishment, and I need to be punished. I really wish I would just get on with it.

The new vet is only open one day a week or something and I don't know when unless I phone them. The old vet is a bus journey and 25 minute walk away which is why I wanted to change to somewhere closer. It's the weekend anyway, I'll probably phone the old vet on Monday and sort out their usual treatments etc.

I will of course try my best to speak to crisis, I just don't seem to be able to communicate things well enough when I speak to people and even if I write things it still doesn't get across what I'm trying to say. I get really tired during face to face interactions and end up zoning out. It's also hard because with my CPN I can write about what happened in between appointments but I don't see the same crisis people regularly so there is so much more to cover and I don't know what I should even say. The point of crisis coming is to introduce me to the new people (and give me support at the weekend but I think that is secondary) so it's not always possible to talk about how things are if they steer the conversation in some other direction. I do find it beneficial to interact here because there is no pressure to reply immediately but it's still a conversation and I can have time to think and edit my responses.

I think I'm going to be stuck forever and that is more ok than having outside pressures making things worse. I don't think there is a better.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-01-2020, 04:24 PM   #1991
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How did it go with crisis?

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Old 04-01-2020, 04:32 PM   #1992
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They just phoned the chemist about my missing meds and we went a walk to collect them so I didn't really get to talk about anything. I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't take my meds though because I've been off the Aripiprazole for a bit anyway so it's not really important that I take it.

It's getting dark again and I'm dreading having to occupy myself at home all evening. Plus I know the thoughts of overdosing will get strong again and I don't have enough to follow the overdosing rules that the men have set so I can't do it. I really should get it over with then maybe I can get a tiny bit of peace until the next thing I'm supposed to do. I am such an awful person not doing this.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-01-2020, 11:13 PM   #1993
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I agree with nonperson; sadly the world is capable of unlimited bad things* so you hurting yourself in anyway only adds to the total hurt, it doesn't take anything away from any other source of hurt.

You've acknowledged that anti-psychotics seem to reduce the intensity of these men, so that seems to me like a definite indication that these men and the associated thoughts about badness are part of a psychosis, as opposed to them being reliable sources of information. Can you see the logic in that?

That sounds like such a pain with the vets; what kind of establishment is only open one day a week Have you ever tried your pukey cat on a different food? My cat has to have special snowflake food otherwise he just barfs all the time!

Big question, but what would need to change in your life for it to feel less painful and more enjoyable?


*but also unlimited good things so it's not all doom and gloom!



Well find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 05-01-2020, 11:46 AM   #1994
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I have been told that I experience psychosis but not within a psychotic disorder but I don't believe that because people with psychotic experiences tend to have intense periods of believing something and then get well and realise that they were unwell. I do admit that the intensity of the stuff with the other world is changeable but I never clearly see it as being due to illness. Plus, it's been described as pseudo/quasi psychosis which means not real psychosis so obviously people don't think it's proper unwellness. The thoughts of badness are definitely real and reflect who I am as a person. I also admit that I have very low self esteem and that probably doesn't help but I have low self esteem because of the awful person I am. I don't dare ever let myself consider that things with the other world etc might not be real because it puts people in danger if I do that. If it wasn't real then antipsychotics would stop things completely. It just makes more sense to me that these things are real.

Yeah, I've just changed both of my cats food because they need to go on a diet! I will try my best to phone the old vet tomorrow and sign up for their plan thing again and ask for some advice.

My life is not my life, it revolves around my brother. If my brother was doing really well then things would be easier for me. I'm fine being stuck like this (fine is probably the wrong word) as long as my brother isn't suffering. I know this isn't something I can really do much about though and that people have hard times a lot. I can't change our past or look after my brother since he is an adult. I'm actively avoiding creating any new close relationships because I struggle so much with other peoples pain even if we aren't in a close relationship. It would also help to know that I'm not going to be forced into work if I'm not ready for it. The people involved in my treatment don't understand this worry because they think I definitely won't be made to work if it's too much for me but I don't believe that. People are going to get impatient with me soon and tell me I have to get a job.

I took the Aripiprazole this morning. I'm really hoping I'm not going to have the side effects of not being able to focus etc again because that usually happens when I start the med or increase it. The evenings are hard enough without that.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-01-2020, 06:57 PM   #1995
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I am totally overwhelmed by every tiny thing. I don't know how to make things manageable. I'm panicking. I can't do this. I need a protective bubble, life is too much.

Small huge things:

1. People in general.
2. Interacting with people.
3. Being seen by people.
4. Daily tasks.
5. Occupying myself.
6. The cats pestering me.
7. A meeting coming up that I will not be able to focus on.
8. Going back to the gym group.
9. Starting a new book.
10. The hospital being busy so I need to avoid it even if I get really unwell.

Even in the quiet of my house everything is overwhelming. Sometimes wearing headphones helps but I have tinnitus and my ears get more unhappy. Recently headphones haven't been helping much anyway especially when I'm out. I'm so overwhelmed, that's the only word for it. I don't know how to make things less huge and scary and too much.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-01-2020, 07:32 PM   #1996
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Sorry but I'm confident that you know more science than you are acknowledging right now! Lots of people still experience some level of psychotic symptoms when they are on antipsychotics.

You're also being very selective with what medical opinions you are choosing to believe- on the one hand whoever referred to it as pseudo-psychosis probably didn't also say "not real pyschosis, the other world stuff is 100% true, crack on with hurting yourself to protect people" but you're choosing to believe and interpret it that way. On the other hand, another presumably qualified person prescribed you antipsychotics but you're choosing to ignore that! I realise this sounds like I'm massively having a go, but it is only because I want you to see this alternative perspective on your life. To experience the possibility that actually you aren't responsible for any one else's wellbeing and that you exist first and foremost for yourself, not for someone else.

When do you next see a professional?

With regards to your list of overwhelming things:
People are scary, yes. But interacting with them does get easier the more you practice. And that doesn't mean force yourself to go to a big event right now, but it does mean that you need to force yourself just a teeny bit out of your comfort zone. What about this gym group- has it been manageable in the past? Maybe next time you have to interact with someone on a smaller scale (e.g. postman or shop employee) you could immediately post here afterwards any follow-up concerns you have, so that you can talk through it logically. I say this because post-socialising social anxiety can be quite a nightmare and I know that even just writing out my bizarre concerns gives me a little bit of perspective that I'm probably worrying unnecessarily. Then the feedback you get can build on that. We can remind you that, no offence, the delivery man is way too wrapped up in his own life to be spending any time analysing his interaction with you!

And now I shall take my own advice. I'm worried that my reply isn't 'good enough' or is too harsh or doesn't make sense. But I'm just going to post it because if there are any issues I know we can discuss them and if something is unclear you'll presumably just ask me to clarify rather than the world ending as I always initially fear :P If I'm too harsh, you'll probably be too polite to tell me but someone else will come along and frown at me and I can apologise and try to explain what I mean more thoughtfully. And, against the odds, the world also won't actually end because of this.



Well find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 05-01-2020, 08:04 PM   #1997
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It's not harsh, I appreciate your reply and the chance to discuss things. This is so ingrained in me that I interpret everything with it being central. If I try to think about things from another perspective things feel confusing and complicated. If the other world stuff wasn't real and I was just unwell then why am I not getting better? If I did get better what would life look like for me? I can't imagine anything different and I'm really, really scared that things would just be worse. I hold onto what a psychiatrist once said to me, that I would not convince him that I was psychotic. I wasn't trying to convince him of that and his firm belief has stuck with me. Other psychiatrists have told me they believe I am experiencing psychosis but I hold on to his evaluation because he knew me for the longest period of time and seemed very harsh and angry when he was telling me I would not convince him that I was psychotic. No one really seems to be able to give me a clear and agreed on indication of what is going on which makes me feel like they're just trying to hide the fact that they know all this stuff is real. I'm seeing my CPN on the 20th.

The gym group is usually ok, I'm just feeling very vulnerable right now and finding it difficult to communicate with people. I'm mostly worried about the meeting thing. It's with the organisation that my key worker is with and it's so the service users can shape the service etc. It's only a small group of people but it feels so formal, I've only been to one more informal one before but this one is with the service team leader. It's also maybe going to last quite a long time and I can't focus for that long and just end up feeling really upset. I'm not cut out for normal life and I really want to kill myself. It feels like everything is huge - every noise, every interaction, every thought, the world is too big and too much and I am too big and too much. I'm just completely overwhelmed. I need to get a thesaurus because overwhelmed is the best way to describe things.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-01-2020, 02:38 PM   #1998
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I really like Pi.R^2's (not too sure if you're okay with me using your name) idea about posting here to check things out like interacting with people after they happen. It might help to explore different perspectives and possible alternative ways of thinking about the situation.

Re: wishing you were in a protective bubble, my therapist said it's okay to imagine I have a cloak on or a protective forcefield around me. Maybe it's something to try? Obviously it's not going to protect you from real danger, but it can help to feel less intruded on by others and more resilient.

Another sightly practical suggestion, but I often wear earplugs under noise-cancelling headphones and it reduces my anxiety and the sensory input. Though I would warn against doing it all the time as it makes normal sounds sound REALLY loud when you do eventually take them out!

How are you doing today?

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Old 06-01-2020, 03:13 PM   #1999
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I'm not the best at imagery but I do sometimes try to imagine I am in a bubble, although sometimes that doesn't help because it makes me feel more disconnected and unreal. Ear plugs would make my tinnitus sound louder in the moment but maybe I'm not too bothered by it now for it to affect me much. I will maybe give it a try. Thanks for the suggestions.

I was very tired again through the night and morning so yet again convinced myself not to buy anything to overdose on. Plus the hospital is still really busy. Today is overwhelming again with every task I have to complete but I have managed to do some things. It's very wet and that usually means the other world is more accessible so I'm thinking about going for a wander or just sitting and absorbing the rain because that is protective for other people. I'm inside for now though trying to calm down with my glitter lamp. I'm also trying not to talk myself out of going to the meeting thing tomorrow. Life is just SO MUCH. I don't know how other people deal with the things they do, I have very little to deal with but it feels huge.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-01-2020, 10:22 PM   #2000
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I'm glad it didn't feel too harsh! I completely understand that your beliefs are deeply ingrained and it's tricky to even consider the alternative. In terms of the why you aren't getting better question, firstly there's lots of people who have to try several different medications before finding one that really worked and secondly I don't really know what was meant by pseudo-psychosis but I wonder if that could describe semi-psychotic experiences which are exacerbated by things such as anxiety and depression and so wouldn't really get better unless there was the right combination of medication and talking therapy. I'm not an expert of course, that's just my armchair psychiatry!


Quote:
Originally Posted by one_step_closer View Post
I hold onto what a psychiatrist once said to me, that I would not convince him that I was psychotic. I wasn't trying to convince him of that and his firm belief has stuck with me. Other psychiatrists have told me they believe I am experiencing psychosis but I hold on to his evaluation because he knew me for the longest period of time and seemed very harsh and angry when he was telling me I would not convince him that I was psychotic.
Well if it's "very harsh and angry" you need, YOU ARE A VALUABLE HUMAN BEING IN YOUR OWN RIGHT AND DON'T HAVE TO HURT YOURSELF TO PROTECT PEOPLE

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I really like Pi.R^2's (not too sure if you're okay with me using your name)
It's totally OK! I use a different name in real life, just to throw everyone off :P

Quote:
Originally Posted by one_step_closer View Post
I'm also trying not to talk myself out of going to the meeting thing tomorrow. Life is just SO MUCH. I don't know how other people deal with the things they do, I have very little to deal with but it feels huge.
So the meeting thing is different to gym group right? I hope you manage to go and that it's OK. Maybe you could think about a reward to yourself for managing to go, as well as making an 'escape plan' if things get too much (e.g. practise saying "Just need to pop to the toilet" so that you can give yourself a breather if you need to).

With regards to other people dealing with more- firstly other people don't have the struggles that you do and secondly sometimes it's easier to do more than less, if that makes sense. I'm not saying you should make more scary plans, just that you don't need to feel daunted by the idea that one day you might have to do more things and think that that will be infinitely harder to cope with. If and when the time is right and you do reach a point where you have more day-to-day commitments, the routines will most likely help with anxiety and also I find there's less time to catastrophise and over-analyse every interaction!



Well find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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