I never really dated in high school and uni. Recently, I met this girl on the interwebs and we have been talking for a bit over a month now. We went on our first date 3 weeks ago, and it went well. I am currently waiting on a final confirmation about the time of our second date (the place/activity/time have already been agreed on). However, she isn't exactly prompt about replying to text messages. She works in finance and is really busy. How do you all keep your anxiety levels under control while waiting for replies to texts and such?
Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!"
Thomas Parke D’Invilliers
That's great that your first date went well, and I hope the second one goes well!
This advice sounds very hypocritical because I'm a pro at getting stressed when people don't reply, but I'm actually way better than I used to be! Does it help to remind yourself of the reasons that she's not replying (she's at work at this time, she's probably asleep etc)?
I always worry that people don't like me when they don't reply, but I've learnt to try to judge our friendship (or in this case your relationship) on how they are when they're spending time with me, not by how quickly they reply. I'd also advise avoiding returning to the message to see if they've 'seen' it if that function is available. Firstly it's sometimes not even accurate and more importantly it's a great way to torture yourself, thinking that they've seen it but don't want to reply, when realistically they may not actually have seen it anyway, or may have only had time to read it but not reply, or be waiting to check something before responding.
I think at some point it'd be worth having a discussion with her about how you get a bit worried when she doesn't reply- chances are she's conscious of it and there's a specific way to work around it that means she replies a bit quicker without getting irritated. Maybe you could both agree that her quickly texting "sorry, I'm out all day but will try to reply tonight" would be a good way to reassure you and give you an idea of when you can expect a response whilst also making her feel like she's not going to have upset you or let you down by not replying straight away. However, I would probably worry at this stage about it being a little soon to raise it, so maybe don't try to talk about it straight away, unless you feel confident that she wouldn't get defensive about it?
Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!"
Thomas Parke D’Invilliers
I used to hyper-ruminate such things. Then a wise old British owl told me "If you get her you get her - if you don't you don't". Sounds too simple but its brilliant in effect. Serendipity kicks in when we keep a "no matter what" jovial, attitude and don't sweat every little detail. Eventually my problem became thing being "too easy" and that was much worse lol
I"If you get her you get her - if you don't you don't". Sounds too simple but its brilliant in effect. Serendipity kicks in when we keep a "no matter what" jovial, attitude and don't sweat every little detail.
Thank you for the advice.
Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!"
Thomas Parke D’Invilliers
Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!"
Thomas Parke D’Invilliers
I am currently planning date #3. This is very exciting but stressful. Partly because my mental health issues kinda prevented me from doing things like this before. It does feel like I am learning soft skills years after my peers I assume this all gets easier with practice?
Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!"
Thomas Parke D’Invilliers
I feel your pain. I've not dated since uni and now I'm suddenly dating again and it's very surreal.
I find taking it a day at a time is helpful. Like yes plan dates but take each day as it comes and RELAX. What will be will be. If it works it works, if it doesn't, you've learned something from it.
It does get easier with practice. The more you spend time with her the less pressure and worry you'll feel. Likewise, if it doesn't work out, you've learned a bit about dating so next time you date you'll have that practice and you'lll feel a bit more confident.
It's normal to feel stressy and nervous in new relationships. You're on your best behaviour and really trying to impress someone so of course it's stressful. But you'll start to relax around her and then it will become easier.
Just saying, don't give up, and try not to let the fear get in the way of this.
It can - it can also get harder if you don't like dating. I found I really didn't like dating strangers. I would meet a girl, and just based on looks ask her out, only to discover in the first 15 minutes that a horrible mistake had been made lol.
I think its better to get to know people a bit and then just start hanging out doing simple things - like friends. I like to downplay drama. I know its a disaster in many guys minds to end up in "the friend zone" but I think that's the place to aim for. Things are healthier there. You get less involvement but you also avoid the sketchy sisters as well as keep your own intentions on a higher level. The best girls notice genuine stuff - not that there's lots of them lol.
Always better to know and like the people you gradually get involved with. I was usually able to get the girl everyone else wanted so I lost illusions that some never do. No person can be the center of your world but guys still look for the goddess and get enslaved by their own expectations. Sitting under a tree by the river with someone you actually like is better than all the intrigues of just scheming to take girls down. Big excitements can often led to deserts. Quite and deliberate steps go up mountains. If you don't like dating that much there are other ways. Don't look for outcomes and just roll. many of the girls I wanted the most I ended-up most glad to be free of lol
Last edited by Isoverity : 24-08-2016 at 04:19 AM.
Date #3 is tentatively planned for this weekend. We are going to go to the zoo!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bellatrix
I find taking it a day at a time is helpful. Like yes plan dates but take each day as it comes and RELAX. What will be will be. If it works it works, if it doesn't, you've learned something from it.
It does get easier with practice. The more you spend time with her the less pressure and worry you'll feel. Likewise, if it doesn't work out, you've learned a bit about dating so next time you date you'll have that practice and you'lll feel a bit more confident.
It's normal to feel stressy and nervous in new relationships. You're on your best behaviour and really trying to impress someone so of course it's stressful. But you'll start to relax around her and then it will become easier.
Just saying, don't give up, and try not to let the fear get in the way of this.
Thank you Jodie. This best behaviour thing defiantly adds to the stress level.
Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!"
Thomas Parke D’Invilliers
I think that if you try to think about other things or distract yourself that might help. This is a problem for most people I know. If you have prior issues with anxiety, it will probably make it worse though. As the relationship progresses, you will probably feel more comfortable with her and it might lessen. I feel this a lot when I'm texting my long distance girlfriend and she doesn't respond right away, and we've been dating for over 2.5 years. I usually just remind myself that she's an independent adult with her own life and responsibilities. Also, she tends to put her phone down and forget it a lot, lol. I really hope things work out between you two and I wish you a healthy, happy relationship.
I am curious how you feel about group dates. I have had some negative experiences and I am coming with severe baggage. I am now learning to slow it down. The anxiety makes me act and say weird things as I am looking for reassurance.
I think it helps to remember it is early days and you need to learn as much about your personal preferences as the other person.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
