My uncle has died

[not_so_insig]

As the above title. I feel quite upset as he died this evening. He was my mum's second cousin so I have to be strong for her. But I cant.

The voices are saying that I caused his death even though he had cancer.

I feel like harming myself by bingeing. Love and support right now would be appreciated.

[Buttons.]

It was not your fault lovely. Cancer killed him, not you. *hugs gently*

[not_so_insig]

Thanks Buttons. For those of you who are on Facebook I would appreciate if you don't mention it because I have relatives on it. My aunt hasn't got around to telling everyone so it's best that it comes from her rather than finding it out online.

I took diazapam last night because I was in too much distress. I slept for ten hours.

[not_so_insig]

The voices are constant. I have never had them bad for years. I am getting stressed and feel like harming myself. I am taking diazapam but I might as well be taking sweets for all it is doing. I am scared that I am going to SI because of the stress.

Please don't tell me to phone the samaritans because I cant. My cpn is coming on Thursday so at least I have her support then.

[Buttons.]

Sounds really difficult lovely, sorry I don't have any words right now but care that you are in distress.

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry about your Uncle and about the distress you're feeling right now. Would you be able to see if your appointment with your CPN could be moved forward if you need it? You are strong. What other safe things might help with the voices etc?

[not_so_insig]

I don't think that the appointment can be moved forward as my cpn is unavailable on Tuesdays and she is on duty Wednesday hence coming on Thursday.

I will try and distract from the voices as I have found music helpful in the past. I am trying to watch tv but I am finding it difficult to concentrate. I will see if my happy box will help. I will see if my favourite episode of keeping up appearances will help too. I am going to see if colouring book will help. I don't know if it will help but I am going to try.

I just am so stressed from the voices.

[Deborrah]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is not your fault. Maybe allow yourself to doodle on some paper for a bit, it can help let some emotions and feelings out. You are strong and you can overcome this.

[one_step_closer]

How are you doing today Dawn? I hope you're managing ok. Have you got anything on tomorrow to occupy you so Thursday maybe seems to come around quicker?

[not_so_insig]

I am ok so far thanks Lindsay. But I had coffee with my friend before which distracted me. My mum came visiting me which helped. But I had a panic attack on the bus coming back from town. I haven't taken diazapam so far.

I haven't got any plans for tomorrow. Sitting there doing nothing seems to make things worse because I am thinking. I might go for a walk around the park at the bottom of the road subject to the weather.

[indigorose]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[not_so_insig]

Thanks indigorose.

[one_step_closer]

I hope you managed/manage to go on your walk today and you're doing alright. What time is your appointment tomorrow?

[not_so_insig]

My appointment is at 2pm. I didn't manage to get to the park.

I had trouble getting to sleep in the end so ended up taking diazapam.

[one_step_closer]

Did the diazepam help you sleep? How are you managing today?

[not_so_insig]

Yes the diazapam helped.

I am getting there slowly. It's getting to sleep that's the biggest problem.

[not_so_insig]

I managed to sleep without the need for diazapam last night. But I used a spray that promotes sleep so I dunno if that's a coincidence or what. As well as a herbal tea. I woke up at 1.30 pm oops. Good job I woke up before my cpn came (she isn't here yet).

[one_step_closer]

I'm glad you managed to get some sleep, maybe try using the spray and tea another time to see if it helps. I hope your appointment goes well.

[not_so_insig]

Yes I felt that the appointment went ok. She said that it's good that I haven't harmed myself yet and that I am strong. She said that I can call her if I need to. She asked how long that I had been free of SI (7 years 2 months ) and that I was doing amazing on that score.

I did say that the biggest problem I have is at night. I can't go outside because I don't feel safe alone. She said that she will get me more diazapam because I am running low.

[one_step_closer]

That's great that you felt your appointment went ok. She is right that you're doing amazing. Do you think you'll be able to phone her if you need to? It's hard at night especially if you can't get to sleep, I hope the diazepam helps or you can find something else that's useful.