Graphic - Dealing with Too Much

chopingirl1810 · 09-02-2017, 03:26 AM

I don't know how else to label this but I will be going into details about sex, SH, and anxiety so I don't want to hurt anyone. This post is gonna be kinda long since I have to explain a lot of things, I'm so sorry in advance. Here we go..

I've been dealing with a lot of really scary things, at least for me. About 3 weeks ago on Saturday January 21st, I had...a hell of a night. I feel so ashamed and stupid about it but I matched with this guy on Tinder a week before. Yep, I already look like an idiot. The 21st around 3am he came to my dorm (my roommate was gone for the weekend), we chatted a bit, and then we got up on my lofted bed, and had sex. He wore a condom so that's good. I will admit it felt great, and we slept until around 11am. He left after that, and to this day we don't talk at all. We have each other's snapchat, but I kinda expected it to be a one-time thing. Everything was fine, except the next day/night I experienced pain, some itchiness, and pain during urination. I didn't think much of it, since this was the first time I actually had any intercourse. That went away, but 5 days later I noticed weird bumps on the back of my thighs that hurt; and a full week later they began to bleed profusely, along with some pus or whatever the hell it was. It was total hell sitting, walking, or going to the bathroom.

Fast forward to today, the bumps have mainly gone down but have multiplied on my thighs. My vaginal area is extremely itchy mostly at night, and inside I noticed little white things a few days ago so is this a yeast infection?? I went to Planned Parenthood last Tuesday to get an STD test, the HIV was negative and I'm waiting for other lab results. However I still need to get a primary care doctor in my college area to get an actual diagnosis/treatment.

This is really fucking me up right now because I don't want to deal with this STD shit. It's highly triggering for SH even though I'm 131 days clean. I feel so disgusted and idiotic. Not to mention I've had at least 5 anxiety attacks in the last week. This term is just horrid compared to fall term. Even my piano professor is highly worried about me and bless his heart, but I really don't know who to talk to about this. I'm scared to tell my friends because I don't want them to hate me. PLEASE HELP I have no idea what to do and I'm terrified of what I could do. If any tests come back positive I just might become suicidal. I literally cannot deal with this, and I'm scared of going back to the hospital like I did last term. I'm sorry this post was lengthy but I can't deal with this anymore. I feel helpless..

Zurg · 09-02-2017, 11:25 AM

Please don't beat yourself up about it. It is a sucky situation yes, but it's not like you deliberately went out of your way to put yourself in it. Lots of people have one night stands and if it felt ok then it wasn't a terrible thing to do. You used protection and what more could you have done???? Please try not to bash yourself over the head. It happened.

Try to be kind to yourself. You have enough to deal with right now and you don't need a lot of self hate on top of that. Whatever happens now, the tests will show what it is and how to treat it. Please be sure to get the treatment!!!! I know it's embaressing but it's really the best thing you can do for yourself right now.

I hope you find the strength to not blame yourself for this. Keep talking here. I hope i was just a teeny bit helpful. If not you are very welcome to hunt me down and smack me with a stick

HopeRises · 09-02-2017, 03:16 PM

What Zurg says is true. It felt ok at the time. It wasn't a bad thing. Lots of people have one night stands or get with guys/girls they aren't in relationships with and that's ok too. You did the right thing using protection and you've done the right sensible thing going to the clinic.

It could be anything. Not necessarily an STD it could be an allergy. I think you just need to sit tight till you get the results but I get that it is hard. But like zurg said, try not to be so hard on yourself. These things happen and if it is an STI most can be treated nowadays.

Try and be nice to yourself (although again I know it's hard) you haven't done anything wrong.

chopingirl1810 · 10-02-2017, 09:39 AM

Thanks for you replies so far. Thankfully I was able to set up a doctor appointment but it's not until the 27th. So there's at least something to look forward to there

I know I shouldn't beat myself up so much... I guess I was shocked and annoyed that it was literally my first time yet all this happened as a result. Part of it is because I can't comfortably talk to anybody about it so it's kinda just sitting in my mind which leads to overthinking.

Zurg I won't smack you with a stick, don't worry hahah

HopeRises · 10-02-2017, 06:50 PM

I know it isn't the same but you can always talk here.
I certainly wouldn't judge you. The way I lost my virginity is one hell of a story and also a 1 night stand but I was potentially older (not that that matters at all)

How are you feeling about it all now? If you need too/gets worse can you make an emergency appointment?

Amaranth · 10-02-2017, 07:29 PM

Like Hope rises said, it could be an allergy. I'm allergic to condoms and get really itchy and yucky discharge if I don't take an antihistamine.
Even if it does turn out to be some kind of std, try not to beat yourself up over it; you did what you could to protect yourself, no one is going to expect you to remain a virgin forever just in case!

chopingirl1810 · 11-02-2017, 09:30 AM

Hoperises, tonight I feel pretty angry and upset about it because another super painful, bleeding bump appeared.. it's so bad it hurts to walk or sit. I'm not sure of a place around my area with a quick enough time if I needed an emergency appointment.. maybe the primary care facility I signed up for is an option.

Amaranth, I don't recall having a latex allergy but who the heck knows.. this is gonna be a difficult time trying not to beat myself up but I'll try <3