While being on this site and talking to people who self harm and have an ED.
Most/all of them have been admitted at some time into a pysc unit or ED unit. I sometimes end up feeling like I want to get that bad so I end up being admitted into a hospital.
I'm not gonna say how I want to get into hospital as I got hate messages last time I spoke out about how I want to get so ill i'll end up in hosptial.
I have never really cut that bad to warrent hospital and only OD once and that was just a few days in childrens ward.
I'm near enough recovered now. only cut about once/twice a year and it has to be something pretty major for me to do it.
Do other people get this competitiveness with friends who selfharm/ED?
You wanting to spend time in hospital is NOT healthy or right. Just because your injuries etc are less bad than others, doesn't take the away the pain you feel. Nothing can measure the pain someone feels.
Although I do think everyone at some point wishes their cuts/illneses are as bad as some people's at least once...
although most of my cuts [according to doctor who judged by my scars], need stitching, i still feel like i have to sort of prove myself to other people or something?
I think it does happen as people sometimes think its... almost better or good if they are the sickest person in a way. Not to sure why you would want to be the sickest but i have been there. I wanted to be not the sickest but i wanted to fit in if you like. RYL talks about SI/ Mental health so openly and some people , me included can think its normal. It's normal to go to the hospital for sh etc . I don't like thinking its normal as like my cpn said she has never met anyone who is normal as what is normal?
I have been to A&E alot for sh. And I always thought how did i get myself into this mess. I have taken a number of ods but i know now thanks to my cpn , well old cpn pointing it out that i ' communicate my distress through actions' the od-ing and sh etc Which isn't good. Again when i did end up on a ward after a large od i felt awful and not just physically. I remeber i spotted the mirror in the toilets for the first time. Even though i had been to the loo in the day they wouldn't allow me to actually use the toilet.
I too have never been in a psych ward , only a general ward for obs one night. I can see were your coming from with this. But these are illnesses at the end of the day and no one wants to be really ill , be in hospital etc.
I also feel some people may want to fit in or that they di , like i said before want to be very ill and make it into a comp. But there is nothing good about it. It's actually pretty dangerous if people want to be the skinnest or want to cut the deepest they may go too far one time.
I arent too sure where i was going with this reply but its my view on this :)
Well done for only cutting a few times though hun, that's really good!
I can really empathise with this and spoke to someone last night about it, actually. RYL does increase the competition surrounding SH and ED's unfortunately. I don't think that can be helped because of the nature of the site and human beings generally. All I can say is that it helped me to think about all the implications being in hospital would have and how much it would set you back in your life. It's better to not have to be stopped in doing things because of your mental health, believe me.
Yes, I still feel as though I'm not 'bad enough' or am not doing a good enough job regarding SH and ED-type behaviours but as long as I keep reminding myself that those in themselves are bad and enough to warrant treatment and people's care, it keeps me grounded and stops me doing something that I would later regret.
What is it about going into hospital that tempts you?
It sounds to me like you are craving maybe someone to care for you, and to take the responsibilities of everyday living away from you for a while? Is there anyone you can talk to in real life about this- are you under any mental health teams?
I have to say, I have been very fortunate in that my family (I'm not tho lol) could afford to pay for me to go privately IP three times, but 2 years ago I took a particularly bad OD and ended up on a ward for a few days-- I can tell you it was NOT a pleasant experience. Of course there are lovely wards, and lovely staff, but there are also staff that treat you like sh*t and quite honestly I don't know why they work in psych units!
i can understand the feeling.... but the times i was in the inpatient psych unit at the local hospital were really not pleasant or particularly helpful in any way besides giving me a bit of space and keeping me safe. the hospital stay that was helpful was a residencial one, and while it was effective, i would much rather have not gotten to the point where i needed to be away from home for that long. and its complicated quite a bit of stuff for me now with school (i've had to repeat a year) and various other things. as did the inpatient stays. its also painful for your family and friends, and hard to explain to acquaintances, people judge you (which they shouldn't, but its just the reality of it at the moment)
i guess i'm trying to say that if you're already there and that low, you need to do whatever you can to get well. but letting yourself get to that point where you need the hospital in some sort of competitive way really isn't productive for anyone and ends up putting you in alot more pain. also mental health can very easily erode your sense of who you are without the harming or illness. and if you let yourself get competitive about it, that happens much faster and stronger i think. and its harder to undo and fight to get back to a good spot.
and like other people have said.... your pain and troubles are valid. and people on here know that. and people who know what they're doing will know that. you don't need to make anything worse for it to become valid or for it to be a real problem
Last edited by PassedExpectations : 11-06-2011 at 08:24 PM.
Reason: adding on (for yet a third time)
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I know what you mean, it's just a weird need or wwant to be bery unwell, mayhe you do kind of subconciously want someone there to care for you? or you want people to realise that you're still suffering?
Let the Force be with you
I'm not short, I'm space efficient
I dunno why I want to go into hospital probably to get that ill to need someone to look after me.
I often want to be on par of what my mates were like two of my friends in RL were in hospital both for EDs. I am the only friend that hasnt been in hospital.
It's not a bad thing not been in hospital its good that you haven't. I can see were your coming from about been tubed though from what people have told me it hurts alot.
I can 'sort' of relate in that when I've left rehab I have always missed it so, so much that I wanted to go back for months after, but I promise promise promise being tubed is nothing you ever, ever want to experience hun xx
I think you know how unhealthy this is, Loz. This isn't bashing you or hate or anything, but I really think you have a very idealised view of what it's like to be in the hospital.
You more or less know my history, I think. I've been to A&E many times and I did have a short time of fully IP. It's not fun, at all. I've been literally at my lowest and had no other alternative. I think that the need for care and support is something you need to discuss, but I don't think, in my experience, that you would get that in the hospital. They just want to keep you alive. Being prodded and poked is horrible, and if anything it makes you feel worse.
I also think that being on here and spending a lot of time with other people with similar problems does normalise it, and can make things competitive. Which is undoubtedly dangerous. We have to remember that none of this is good or healthy, we shouldn't need to act as we do. The fact that you're the only friend who hasn't been in hospital is a really good thing. It doesn't mean that your emotions mean less, or that you're not struggling, it means that you haven't reached a point where you simply can't go on. It shows that you are stronger than you think.
To be honest, it seems to me like you maybe feel a bit ignored and want to show people that you're not doing so great, and that's totally normal, but there are so many better ways to do it. Go to your GP, speak to them and maybe see if you can see someone OP because I've genuinely found OP to provide more emotional support than IP, in a medical or a psych setting.
Also, on a final point I haven't been tubed ever, but I have been told that the doctors were impressed I was still alive, that's not something you ever want to here. Getting to that point made me realise that I was probably doing what you're feeling, acting out because I didn't know how to go to people and ask for help. It made me realise that all of the trips to the hospital and stuff were just acting as sticky plasters. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to get help. I'm not proud of it, and seriously if there's anything I could do to stop you getting there, I would do it in an instant.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
RYL is hardly representative of what is normal in life. And it can offer quite an idealistic view of hospital. It's not like anything you see in tv dramas. Psychiatric hospital is hell on earth and it's not glamorous. It's not a place you'd gladly walk into if you knew what goes on inside.
I think it's very sad that now people are feeling like they need hospital treatment in order to feel validated about their level of distress. Because one person cuts and needs stitches and another person doesnt need stitches, it doesnt mean that the person needing treatment was hurting any more than the other person. It doesn't mean that they are more depressed, or more worthy or anything like that.
But I totally know where you are coming from. I was extremely competitive when I was ill.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I agree with others. It used to feel to me as though nobody really took me seriously if they didn't admit me to hospital. In my experience, though, it just escalates until you're like "Okay, so I've been in hospital, but I've never been on a section" etc. so I think sometimes the validation has to come from yourself.
And, in reality, hospital is a very lonely and boring place at best. Much better to surround yourself in your everyday life with people who are affirming, supportive and loving, if that's possible. Also, getting a therapist can help work through these issues and give you lots of time and care.
I think I understand some of what you are feeling. At times I've thought that not having been to hospital makes what I've done to myself insignificant and kind of pathetic. Then when my old psych wanted me to do an inpatient programme I totally rejected the idea for many reasons but mostly fear of giving up any sense of control over my life and freedom in general. Having done that I then spent months thinking how stupid I was to reject it because I could have been 'validated', looked after etc etc.
Then...I did my psychiatry rotation at medical school and spent 8 weeks working with a psychiatry team who had patients in generally psychiatry wards. The thought of being in there was awful. It wasn't that they were horrific wards or anything just that I could tell it wasn't a place designed for anything other than housing and keeping safe people who really wouldn't manage in the real world. It wasn't a place to get support if you were feeling a bit lousy or a place for a rest from reality at all.
Despite all that I do sometimes still question whether I did the right thing in not going IP when I had the chance but I know that it doesn't actually make any difference to how much I'm suffering or make me feel that I'm as bad as a friend who has been IP.
Also, this might sound really harsh, but it actually sounds like hospital might not be a good thing for you. Doctors try to keep people out of hospital as much as possible, particularly people who might get attached to being in there and very difficult to move on. Apart from that, you are talking about something that would cost the NHS a lot of money for what sounds a bit like it amounts to 'being like your friends'. Not really a good idea. Sorry, that sounds incredibly heartless, I do understand that there are difficult feelings underlying this.
Always seem to get things just that little bit wrong.
"don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart"
Hun, i have an ED and do SI ive also OD'ed a few times. Hospital is not fun. Its very lonely and boring. The one ive been in makes me feel worse and very alone. I hate it! Ive never been in hospital becasue of my ED but having an ED which is known about is hard in hospital becasue they strong suggest that i eat, and there have been times where ive almost been put on section becasue of it.
You said that you've had friends who have been in hospital for ED and im guessing they may have been tubed... ask them about it i bet they would tell you how horrible it is. Last night i was babysitting and watched a baby have a tube put down she was crying so much- apparently it really hurts and isnt pleasant. Do you really want that just to feel like you fit in. I know what its like to want to fit in, to want someone to see that you're not really that ok.... but going into hospital is only going to get you negative attention hun and chances are it could become a cycle and people will get sick of it.
The BRAVEST thing
I ever did was CONTINUING MY LIFE when I wanted to die.
I have never wanted to be in hospital but i have, however once i was in hospital and it was helping me i realised it was best for me to stay and i wanted to stay and get the help. I actually expressed this and a few days later got taken off my section.
If it wasn't for that admission i would probably not be here right now, however i wouldnt want to go back
Do not adjust your mind, there is a fault in reality
hey how are you doing? Just want to say I usually want to be in hospital too so I can understand but when I was in I just wanted out, it wasn't pleasant at all. You're constantly told what to do and when and the other patients who are sick, you don't know how they're going to act, I've had them having go's at me and throwing things at me and when you're sick yourself you really don't need that. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, your distress is as valid as anyone else's, whether you've been in hospital or not. A ssomeone said you might want to be cared for, I think that's why I want to be in, but it comes at a price, your freedom and really I'm glad not to be in.
I agree with everyone else that hospital is not a fun place to be and often it wouldn't result in getting the need for someone to take care of you met in the way that you really want.
But I think you know all of that already, and I can understand that it wouldn't necessarily change how you feel.
I guess there were two things I wanted to say. I wonder if maybe being surrounded by so many people with mental health issues isn't a positive or healthy thing for you right now? I'm not saying you shouldn't spend time with your friends or on RYL, not at all, but maybe trying to find more positive things to do with your time and more positive people as well as what you have currently would be a good thing? Just, sometimes being surrounded by too much of this stuff when you're in recovery yourself can be really bad for you. Maybe something to think about, anyway?
The other thing is; if it's validation of your problems and someone to care for you that you're looking for, what can you do to meet those needs yourself? It's so important to remember that what you're going through is important, even if your struggles are different from those of the people around you. It is okay to need to be cared for; everyone does. The important thing is learning to get those needs met in a healthy way. What can you do for yourself to make yourself feel cared for and comforted? Who can you turn to when you need a chat? Do you think it would help to see your GP and try and get some support in place if you feel you need it? I find that when I'm really low, I'd love for someone to be able to fix it for me but the more that I face my feelings and make positive choices in spite of how I feel, the more I realise that I can do it, and the less need there is for other people to step in.
*Hugs* Look after yourself, yeah? Here if you want to talk.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
